His world came to a sudden halt the day he realized his 𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙡 feelings. James had been chasing the wrong person in some sort of twisted internalized homophobia. Lily Evans was pretty and smart and kind. She was someone James liked but didn't want like that. It was Regulus Black. Son of a-
And he knew. It was wrong in so many ways. He hated exactly what the Black family stood for. Regulus followed the traditions blindly. He hated Slytherin house. Regulus was a Slytherin like everyone else in his family (except obviously Sirius who was a Gryffindor.) but worst of all, he was Sirius' brother. His best friend's brother and those two couldn't even be in the same room without trying to kill each other. How fucked up is that?
He shouldn't want Regulus but he did. It killed him inside.
James loved Sirius like a brother and of course he'd never do anything to hurt him, something like date his brother but Regulus was just so beautiful to him.
Watching the younger brother from across the room. Laughing with his friends and his laugh was so different from Sirius'. It was gentle and sweet. Soft. As was his smile. James noticed that Regulus rarely smiled with his teeth which made those smiles all the more special to him. Regulus was mischievous too but in different ways. Goofing off with his friends at the Slytherin table. Often times James would see them playing exploding snaps or would try and catch grapes in their mouths. They'd cheer each time they managed.
And those eyes... They'd light up spectacularly when someone at the table said something funny.
James liked cold mornings when Regulus cheeks got rosy from the freezing temperatures. He imagined Regulus' friends begging him to bundle up more and him refusing, stubbornly.
He liked sunny afternoons too when the sun, at it's highest point, would cast down upon Regulus and make his skin glow.
James was still figuring out his life and who he wanted to be but he knew one thing for sure. He loved Regulus. He couldn't help it. He wanted to know how his hair would feel against his fingers. Or the weight of Regulus against his chest on lazy afternoons. He wanted to be the reason Regulus laughed and smiled. Wanted to know the best and worst parts of him.
And James was fucked. How was he to know whether Regulus even liked boys. And if he did, did he like James? Could he? Say all that is true, what about Sirius? James would never betray his friends.
It came out one morning in Gryffindor tower. Sirius was laying against Remus while Remus played with his hair. Peter sat on the other side of Remus and the four of them were in comfortable silence until Sirius said something. "You like my brother." It wasn't a question. It was a fact. A fact James couldn't deny. He didn't even try to hide it when he stared. He was surprised by how calm Sirius spoke though. Like they were merely talking about homework. James bowed his head. "I'm sorry, Sirius." He wanted to say more. Explain himself. But... Explain what? Excuses? He didn't want to be the kind of person who apologizes by making excuses. Sirius broke through his thoughts. "I've seen him stare back at you, James. If this is something you really - if you really, actually like him, then just go. Merlin knows I've never been able to control either of you." James didn't go immediately though. Didn't want to seem desperate.
He went later in the evening. Found Regulus on his way to Slytherin. There were a million words he wanted to say, that he could've said but it was like they were sucked out of him, being so close to Regulus. He did the next best thing. He kissed him. Let his lips do the (metaphorical) talking. The kiss was sweet and gentle, unexpected to Regulus from a man he knew to be loud and obnoxious. James felt Regulus turn to putty in his arms. 𝙃𝙞𝙨 non verbal response and that was all he needed. He broke the kiss after a minute. "I really fucking love you, Regulus." "No shit." And James laughed giddily.
//The title is on purpose, lovelies
