Chapter 40.

                                    

                                          
4th of februari.
                          
Two years.
                          
After eating a satisfying  brunch for breakfast with the boys I had to work. Hours were spent there, trying my best to concentrate. It's hard to focus on my surroundings today, though. So after work I walked all the way home, since Louis has the car. So I walk through the city streets with the wind in my hair and hands in the pockets of my coat. It's so cold today, which seems more than perfect for a day like this.
                          
When I get home the apartment looks exactly like when I left it. I saw the car parked outside, so I know Louis is back home. Why didn't he bother to just clean up a bit? I take my coat, shoes and beanie off and then walk through the apartment looking for Louis to give him a proper scolding. I at last find him in the bedroom. He is laying on his bed wearing black sweats and my grey sweater that is probably three sizes too big on him. He looks more tired than usual, and to my surprise rather pale. All my attentions of scolding him disappear and I suddenly feel nothing but the urge to crawl into the bed sheets with him. So I follow my instincts and do just that.
                          
"How was your night?" He asks with a surprisingly raspy voice as I cuddle into him, leaning my head against his waist. He starts playing with my hair and pushing it away from my face.
                          
"It was alright." I mumble. Louis looks down at me and pouts. I want to find out exactly where he spent the night but today is already hard enough. It can wait for now. "I miss her"
                          
"Your mom? She was here the other day?"
                          
"No not her...." I say and sit up. I feel the need to inform him at least, so that he can be a bit extra kind to me today. He stares at me confused. "Today it has officially been two years since my sister died..."
                          
His face screams in shock. He knows my sister is dead, but guess he didn't know it had been this long. Louis' eyes drop to my hands. He grabs them and intertwines our fingers. He then pulls me into his lap.
                          
"I understand if it's hard for you to talk about it but... Would you like to tell me how it happened? I would actually like to know..." He says as careful as possible. Well, I suppose he deserves to know... I nod and face him.
                          


                          


                          


                          
4th of Februari (2 years ago)
                          
[Chesire, England]
                          
The day had been like any other. I spent the entire morning inside my room, in the greatest effort to avoid getting into trouble. As I sat there minding my own business and studying for my final for the senior year I was viciously disturbed by screams. My mother and sister, Gemma, were at it again. Ever since dad left us and Gemma hit puberty all they've done is fight. Over and over again. I'd usually just ignore it and focus on my studies, but this was an important essay and I had to concentrate. So at last I decided to go out there and end it somehow.
                          
As I went out of my room I could see Gemma standing by the front door completely dressed up and with plenty of makeup. On the other side my mother stood in her black messy hair and cigarette between her fingers. They both turned quiet when I showed up, because I was never the one to get involved.
                          
"I'm trying to study! What is going on!?" I asked with the loudest voice I had ever had in front of my mother. Mom just stepped back and let Gemma explain.
                          
"I want to go to a sleepover with Amy, but mom won't let me!" She explained. How would I have known she was lying? All I wanted was for the shouting to end so that I could study in peace.
                          
"Because I know she's lying! She's going to that stupid party with Dean!" My mom defended, and oh how right she was.
                          
"Does it even matter!? What's more important, THIS or my education!?"
                          
My education blew anyway so I could've just let them argue as usual, but no, I had to get involved and ruin everything. Quite frankly, I thought that I was doing the right thing. My sister and I hadn't been that getting along that well for a while so I kind of wanted to prove that I had got her back, and she seemed to appreciate it. Because before she went she gave me a hug and thanked me. I actually felt pretty good about myself. I stopped a fight, I helped my sister go out AND I got my essay done.
                          
But there I was, about five hours later, finally ready with my assignments. That's when I heard my dear mother shriek from the kitchen. I hurried out there just to see that she had dropped the phone on the floor as she was crying her eyes out. I was so confused. I had no idea what was going on so I picked the phone up just to hear:
                          
"We did everything we could"
                          


                          


                          
Present.
                          
"Was she murdered?" Louis asks. I shake my head.
                          
"It was a car accident... Her best friend Chad was driving..."
                          
"Did he die too?"
                          
"Nope. He was seriously injured though. But, he kind of disappeared right after her death... He didn't even show up at the funeral..." I say and scratch my eyes. Louis sighs and stares at the wall. Something seems to be bothering him. He seems so distressed but I'm not in the mood to question why. After a moment of silence he turns to me. I'm scrolling through my phone but I can feel his gaze.
                          
"So how did you cope? You know... After loosing a loved one?" He asks softly. I frown. How does he think I coped? Not well, obviously.
                          
"You of all people would know..." I say and he turns silent. "I was already depressed for other reasons and then that happened... But now, with you, I'm finally happy."
                          
I sure was expecting a kiss after that statement but here he is just staring at me blankly.
                          
"And if you lost me...? Would you get depressed again?" He finally asks. I don't like these hypothetical questions.
                          
"I don't know. It depends really. If you broke up with me I would obviously be devastated. But if I was the one to break up with you, I would probably not be as sad since it is a choice I'VE decided to make. If that makes any sense..."
                          
I explain. Louis just nods. Why is he asking this anyway? It's not like I would break up with him. I don't have a reason to. I'm happy with him and he seems to feel the same way. Unless there's something more...