This Is me Trying

                                    

                                          

I sat on the bathroom floor crying banging my fist on the floor "Addie" Meredith said coming in and shutting the door behind her. I shook my head and let out a sob "I cant do this, I cant I cant. I cant go to trial against him, I'm scared" I cried letting out another sob. "Aw baby come here, Its okay ill be right next to you" Meredith said pulling me up off the floor. "How about we have a bath together, Like you did for me when I was upset?" She asked I nodded and she turned the bath on. She got in first and I climbed in laying in front of her my back to her front. I Let out another sob and covered my face with my hands. Meredith gently spun me around so I was sideways and slightly facing her. "Addie" She said softly I shook my head and sobbed again, "Addie" Meredith repeated "N-no" I sobbed shoving myself under water. Meredith grabbed me and pulled me back onto her chest, she had her arms around me holding me still "Meredith" I Sobbed. "ADDISON SNAP OUT OF IT" Meredith yelled, I stopped fighting her grip and just collapsed into her sobbing. "Addie, I'm sorry for yelling. Just- Don't even try and kill yourself, Please Addie. Talk to me instead" She said softly Loosening her grip on me so her arms where just resting on my stomach.  She kissed my head softly, "Addie, You don't have to go if you don't want to" She said rubbing my shoulder I Nodded still Sobbing.

"M-mer" I said through sobs. "Yeah Baby?" She said "I- *Hiccup* I n-need to *Hiccup* I Have to put him *Hiccup* in Prison for l-life" I cried, She held me in her arms hugging Me tightly. "I L-love you" I cried into her shoulder. "I Love you too Addie" Meredith said, softly kissing my head.

I Let out the loudest sob of them all and Meredith looked down at me "Addie, Talk to me". Meredith said turning me completely around so I was facing her. My face was red, puffy and tear stained. "Addie, you need to go to therapy" She said looking at me, I looked broken, hurt, in pain.
I nodded my head "I-I wanna die" I cried clinging onto Meredith. "Oh Addie, shh its alright baby. Ill Get you in Therapy Okay?. I Love you" Meredith said starting to cry herself. I nodded still sobbing. "M-mer" I cried "Yeah Addie?" she said wiping her own eyes. "I-i Why do I feel like this, I've got you. Frey. why do I want to die" I mumbled letting out another sob. Meredith got me out the bath and also got herself out. "I'm going to check on Frey alright? Put your pjs on Addie" She said throwing a baggy shirt on and going to Frey's room. I sat back on the bathroom floor where I was before, I stared at the ceiling for a minute. I Reached into the shower and held my razer in my hand staring at it. I pulled it apart now just holding the blade the rest of the razor in pieces. 

I Closed my eyes and dug the blade into my wrist. I cried and cried as I cut more and more Deeper each time. I Dropped the blade knowing I had gone too far. "MEREDITH" I Screamed still sobbing. She Ran in and dropped to her knees next to me. She grabbed my arm and Quickly Bandaged it up.

"Addison" She started before I cut her off, "I'm Not Okay Mer, I'm going dark. Really dark" I said bluntly still slightly crying. "O-okay" Meredith said looking scared and worried "Sometimes I go to Sleep and wish ide never wake up Meredith. I Need therapy, I Need help" I continued. Meredith didnt awnser just pulled me up off the floor and to bed. I Sat down and she cuddled into me kissing my cheek. "Addison, Stay okay. I Need you and so dose Frey. I Cant Live without you Addison." Meredith said Pulling me closer to her. "C-can you. Get me a Therapist, I wont last much longer without one." I Whispered. "Addie, Ill get you a appointment tomorrow okay. I Love you" She said sniffling and crying. "I Love you" I said back.  

I woke up the next morning Meredith still clinging onto me. I moved to get up and she pulled me back to her chest. "Mhm Five more minutes" She hummed. "Im Sorry" I said looking down at her "Why" She asked opening her eyes, "You Know why Mer, Last night" I mumbled. "Addie, You don't have to apologise for that. you have therapy at 11" She smiled up at me "Okay, Thanks" I mumbled laying back down on top of her. "Mhm" She whined I giggled and kissed her chin softly.

I Snuggled into her and she rubbed my back gently. Christina opened the bedroom door and Frey ran in snuggling up to Merediths side. "Christina go back to bed" Meredith complained. Oh yeah I forget to mention Christina was sleeping over.

"Hi Fifi" I said holding her hand "Hi Mommy and Mama" She smiled. "Go with auntie Christina baby, Mummies need to talk" I said kissing her head. "Otay" She giggled running out with Christina.



I Walked into the Therapists room and sat down on the couch She was sitting across from me on a chair. "Hello, You Must be Addison Grey. I'm Olivia, Olivia Benson" She said smiling at me. "H-hi" I mumbled. "So, would you like to tell me why your here?" She asked. I nodded
"I- Tried to Kill Myself. multiple times last night, I Don't know why either. I have a wife a Daughter. I'm Happy but I Just- I want to die all the Memories of Derek I just cant deal with it, I'm going dark, Really dark" I cried Reaching for Meredith  but Realising she Wasn't in there. "C-can Mer come in" I Sobbed looking at the door. "Okay, That's normal Addison A lot of people feel that way and I can help you alright? And Yes Meredith may come in" Olivia said Looking over at me. I texted Meredith and She ran in slamming the door behind her and sitting on the Couch next to me Immediately Pulling me into her arms. I Curled up and Leaned onto her and she held me. Meredith Stayed the whole session Just holding me in her arms comforting me. 

"That went well, I Actually Feel better" I Said Holding Meredith's hand as we walked out. "Good" She said kissing the side of my head.