Chapter 36

                                    

                                          

                            

                                
                            
                              
                                  
                              
                              
                                
                                  
                                  
                                
                              
                             
                            
                            
                          
                          



≪•◦ MATTEO ◦•≫


"Even though we're still in school, I saved up some money over the years, but I think there would be a little problem; I don't think we would live together for the first months or year," I tell Lale as I keep my gaze lowered on the table.
We're sitting on in the Serenity Sandy Cafe, right near the beach. It's Saturday and quite crowded today. 
I arrived a few minutes earlier, and even though this is our second meeting, my legs still feel numb from all the nervousness and excitement I've been feeling since last night. I haven't slept much either. Thousands of thoughts were swirling in my mind, making it impossible for me to catch some rest.
"Oh, I don't think there's a problem," she says, sounding unsure. I gaze up at her father who's sitting next to her and observing the whole conversation. He hasn't said much, giving me and Lale the room to openly communicate. 
I take a quick glance at Lale, who's waiting for his approval. When realization hits him, he says, "I see no issue with it. You're both still very young, you can build it up over time." 
We've been talking for an hour, and with each passing second, I feel how perfect this all is. How perfect she is. The moment I saw Lale walk into the classroom, I knew she would drastically change my life. As time went on, I realized she's the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.
"Right," I say, my leg still nervously shaking. "I also want to make clear that I'm going to pay for everything, which means you don't have to pay for anything and don't need to worry about the money at all." I want her to understand that I'll handle everything once we're married. I don't want her to stress about potential struggles in our marriage. My goal is for her to feel secure and at ease with me, not constantly in survival mode like my mother.
My father does cover all the bills, he supports us financially. But emotionally? He brings nothing but pain and distress to the family.
Every time I lay eyes on my mother's face, I bear witness to the consequence of my father's treatment of her. In recent years, she has put on weight, neglected self care, and frequently dozes off wherever she sits. The exhaustion in her eyes reveals her constant exhaustion, despite the amount of sleep she gets. I wish to bring an end to this and spare my mother from shedding even another single tear of sorrow.
Sometimes I fear becoming the copy of my father, but I've sworn to myself to avoid that path. Regardless of the circumstances, I will not become like him. I refuse to mirror his behavior and to become a monster like him. 
My goal is to bring a smile to Lale's face each day, ensuring that I never become the reason for her tears and regrets about our marriage. I aspire to be different than my father and provide her with a life of comfort and offer her the love she truly deserves and requires.