chapter four - idiot in the tank

                                    

                                          
I wish I could say I handled the situation with a bit of dignity, but I'd be lying. 
Turns out, luck was not on my side the following morning, and Shane was up and pacing as per usual even before I woke up at dawn. Had he even gone to sleep? His hair was tousled, as if he'd been pulling at it for hours. And when I got a closer look at him albeit reluctantly, his eyes were bloodshot red. It wasn't hard to tell that he didn't get a wink of sleep.
My first instinct when I saw him was to duck back into my tent and peer at his tiny figure in the distance through the sliver of the flaps. And my anxiety nearly made me pass out when he came too close to my tent for comfort, glaring at the flaps like he could see straight through them. I held my breath until he walked away.
And when it was finally time to leave the tent, dressed and dragging an unenthusiastic and grumpy Glenn behind me, I avoided Shane at all costs. Was it fucked up to leave without saying goodbye? Abso- fucking - lutely, but my anxiety couldn't give less of a shit. I didn't usually get this nervous - I'd even consider myself a bit suave - but knowing there was actually some truth behind his teasing and flirting over the three years I'd known him was making me feel rather guilty. I'm not responsible for anyone else's feelings, but I know I shouldn't have led him on last night. I shouldn't have been so selfish.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" asked Glenn as I finished rushing through my goodbye to Lori and practically sprinted to the van. He still looked grumpy, more exhausted than anything.
I beelined for the passenger's seat, quietly calling shotgun and the others knew better than to actually argue with me. I slammed the door shut, gripping the pistol Shane gave me last night nervously. Adrenaline was surging from the tips of my toes up my legs, causing me to obnoxiously bounce the gun on my knee. Glenn gave me a side-eye. I quickly pocketed the weapon. Maybe the fact that I was actually going into the city again was making me more anxious than usual. Not Shane and this high school drama. 
"Nothing," I said defensively. "I am absolutely fine."
I could very well die. And then the kiss wouldn't even matter then, would it? At that resolution, I decided to take one last glance over at the edge of the woods, where Shane was surely standing. He wasn't, in fact, and I looked over at Lori who stood with Carl against her chest. They were both waving, the boy giving us a wide, hopeful smile. Lori locked eyes with me and suddenly glanced to the space in front of the car. I followed her gaze and saw Shane standing a few feet ahead, staring straight at the passengers side of the car. He gave me a strange look, almost guarded but also as vulnerable as I've ever seen him. It was a look only I could decipher - the pain, the longing, the regret... regret for letting me leave today or regret for even kissing me in the first place?
I didn't have much time to search for the answer in his eyes because Glenn had put the car in reverse as soon as Morales slammed the back door shut. Shane got smaller and smaller, his hands resting on his hips, as we made it a safe distance to be able to make a three-point turn out of there. The last thing I caught was the odd look Lori was giving Shane from across the camp as he kept his attention locked on the van. Glenn shifted gears and the view of the camp disappeared, the path down the mountain ahead of us and the outline of the city glooming like a dark, stormy cloud.
It was tense and silent, no one saying a single word as we drove farther away from our little safe haven and closer to the city of the dead.