chapter 79

                                    

                                          

disclaimer: mentions of scars, bruises, drug use, and panic attacks.
josephine lee
Instead of staying at the venue in London after my sound check, I race over to my hotel to get everything packed for my surprise trip to Michigan for the awards ceremony. I start folding and packing up the clothes that I left into my suitcase so that once it's time to go Marjorie can take it for me.
While I'm zipping my suitcase up, my door randomly opens. I stay still as if it would make me invisible and once I see Brendan and the genuine panic on his face I get extra scared. He looks really fucking sad. "Josie. Josie, this is bad. Really, really bad. Fuck." He panics, pacing around my hotel room.
I don't say anything, fearful that I'll say the wrong thing but luckily for me, he starts going off on a rant, telling me about his current dilemma with his boss and supplier. He lowers himself to the ground to look me in the eyes. "I'm so fucking scared. I don't-I don't wanna do this anymore." he cries. 
He tucks his head in between his knees and cries like a little boy. I think about all of the times he's watched me cry and I have to force myself not to have a single drop of empathy for the man in front of me. "I hate the drugs but I can't stop." he chokes out, making me sick to my stomach. 
Sure, he'd dabble in them when we were together but never to the point where he'd shiver without them and hurt me physically like he is now. I'm fighting as hard as I can but it's no use because when words leave my mouth they're an offer for help instead of 'Fuck you' "I can help you, I can take you to rehab." I say, wanting to help him so we can both escape this hell we're in.
He shakes his head, wiping his tears with shaky hands. "No, Josie. If you want to help then be with me. I can't get better, I just want you to want me as I am." I press my lips together aware of the fact that I can't respond with the truth in case I wind up with something I don't want to bring home. 
After wiping his eyes again he looks at my suitcase and freaks out, feeling out of control since he's not sure what my move is. "W-what are you doing? Where are you going with your suitcase?" I lie and remind him of my next stop on my tour, telling him that I came by the hotel because I wanted to stretch my legs and do it myself.
He believes me and watches me put it beside the door before I walk out, ready to go back to the venue. I race back to catch the last few minutes of Inhaler's set, excited about the fact that tonight is the last show before I get on my plane to see Jack. I run to my dressing room to change into my outfit for tonight, laying out my clothes for the flight on the sofa. 
"Josie! Let's go!" Marj yells, knocking on my door to get out on stage. I listen and get out there to play to the best of my potential. I interact more with the crowd, smiling through my dizzy spells, before getting to the surprise song segment of my setlist. "Tonight, I want to cover a song that's very special to me, and reminds me of someone I love a lot." I grin, listening to the crowd holler when I drop the 'L' word. 
I begin strumming my guitar just like I've been practicing, playing 'The Only Exception' one of my unreleased songs that I said felt relatable again. The room starts screaming at the opening chords, making me giggle through a few lyrics before singing through the rest with no issues. 
The only issue I did have was with the tears in my eyes. I quickly wipe it and sniffle away from the mic. The fact that I am crying draws attention so to clear the air I say, "Damn, I miss that guy so much." with a laugh into my mic to ease myself out of the sad energy, causing the people in the room to 'aww' and laugh with me.
Once we get that out of the way I power through the rest of the set, genuinely smiling as I sing the final song, knowing that once I step foot off this stage it's off to Michigan. I sing my outro before wishing everyone a safe trip back home, blowing kisses to the crowd, and running off to leave London