'this walk is longer than i remember'

                                    

                                          

I hate myself; I hate everyone; I hate everything. All I need is to feel something.
"Get the fuck up!" I heard my alarm screaming at me through my phone awaking me from my not-so-peaceful sleep, "fuck, today is the first day of school...luckily this will be my last first day" I spoke to myself dreading this day, I slowly got out of bed heading for the kitchen to get some toast before I shower. 
I was soaked in water from head to toe just staring at myself in the mirror, all the scars on my arms, all the imperfections of my body and face, they're all so visible I hate it, I thought to myself before eventually drying my body with a fluffy dark blue towel before throwing on some grey baggy jeans, with a long sleeve top that had a star pattern on it, a dark grey knitted sweater that had the same pattern as the top, and some converse with black socks, I grabbed some jewelry and my bag that had all the essentials before heading out of my apartment to my car.
I arrived at school earlier than everyone else, it was easier to get to a park that way and I could also deal with my bad habits in peace without being judged I internally monologued before grabbing a pre-rolled a joint out of my bag and lighting it, blowing the smoke into the crisp morning air as more people started piling in just as I finished my last drag from the joint, I threw it to the ground before crushing it and walking off to the front of the building we call school.
 a redhead girl caught up to me before grabbing me and bringing me into a hug "Tai its been forever since I've seen you-" she cut herself off before yelling at me like a worried mother "Taiyou Waye I thought I told you to stop smoking that shit!" Lylah whisper-yelled at me as she could smell the disgusting scent of cologne mixed with smoke and marijuana.
"Whoa Lylah calm down we don't need the whole school to know" I tried to shush her before we bring any more attention to ourselves "I'm sorry Tai im just worried about you especially since what happened" she spoke to me in a worried tone "Ly I thought you said you wouldn't bring that up" I spoke as tears came to my eyes from the memories of that night "you know what forget it I have to get to class" I spoke as i started walking off in the other direction "Tai" the pale girl sighed knowing that she shouldn't push it.
It was the start of 3rd lesson and I felt so empty and like shit. I need to get out of this class I needed to do something, I need something to calm me down and just as I thought that, I could already feel my legs moving as I gripped my bag and walked out of the classroom slamming the wooden door behind me, I rushed out the doors of the top of the school my little metal box in my hands ready to pull a joint out, I turned the corner, joint and lighter in my hand as I slid down the concrete wall lighting the joint as I feel the burning sensation hit my lungs, closing my eyes and taking a long drag before blowing the grey smoke out into the winter air, I felt someone slide against the wall sitting next to me, I took the joint out of my mouth slowly opening my eyes to look at the person next to me, but as I turned my head I saw the face of a person I would have never expected to see next to me, "what the fuck do you want".
yeah so if you couldn't tell this book is just a whole big trigger warning.