fifty one

                                    

                                          

                            

                                
                            
                              
                                  
                              
                              
                                
                                  
                                  
                                
                              
                             
                            
                            
                          
                          
My heart felt like it stopped for a moment, just at the thought of his suggestion. It made me want to vomit.
I had felt invisible through this entire war, but surely Paul I was still a priority to Paul, right? He wanted to win this war, but he still wanted me. I think. I've been patient, I've given him his space. I've allowed him to be the leader I know he was born to be. I would never dare question him or defy his duties. In return, he is loyal to me. Right? 
A moment passed, and I could see Paul's Adam's apple bob as he swallowed. "I am Emperor. Your request defies convention." 
"You asked me to yield," he reported, pointedly. "This already defies convention. I could have Feyd Rautha kill you at this very moment, kanly is not over until the other is dead. I do not owe you compliance if you do not comply with me."
I watched Paul as his gaze fell to the floor and he swallowed, almost nervously. "Give me a moment, please."
Paul turned and quickly headed towards the door. He was leaving? After all of this? He was so strong, so bold, so heated just moments ago. Now, he was walking away? Expected everyone else to wait for him?
I blinked, having expected his response to be a rejection to the offer, but instead, I wasn't sure what to think. He and I, we were married. How could he marry someone else? What does he mean, 'give me a moment'? 
The room was quiet, no one said a word, but everyone looked around and shared a few looks of confusion. Was this allowed? He just... left.
I followed after Paul, leaving everyone else behind in the room. He was attempting to round a corner but I grabbed his arm before he could get away.
"You are considering marrying another woman," I said plainly without emotion. Though, after the words left my mouth I let out a small sob as the painful thought consumed my chest. The idea of my soulmate tying himself to another woman for life. A beautiful, powerful woman that I could never compete with- a princess. 
He stiffened at this topic and the compassion I saw just seconds before had dwindled. "Lia, please," he whispered. "That is a hard topic. That is a hard thing to talk about."
"But I want to talk about it," I told him. I could feel the frustration I had suppressed rising inside. The fear, the jealousy. "You owe me that. Do you not think it would be wrong? Do you not think this is a conversation I deserve to be a part of?"
"I- you don't understand- I mean- yes of course- but-" Paul began to stutter, his hands moving and his head shaking as if he was trying to unscramble something in his brain. 
I watched him, feeling hurt, waiting for him to offer the reassurance I came to look for, and feeling my chest tighten the longer I waited. This is a misunderstanding, I tried to tell myself. I wanted to believe that, too. I wanted to believe there was a valid reason for Paul's reaction. That there was a response to all of this that would not break my heart.
"I'm listening." I pushed, this time a bit gentler. Perhaps I was being too harsh. Maybe I needed to be more patient with him right now. I wasn't sure what more I could do to hear him say the things I needed to hear at this moment.
Paul inhaled and covered his mouth with a hand, tapping his foot restlessly as his eyes traced the lines on the floor. He seemed dishevelled. It was a concerning sight, too, to see the Kwisatz Haderach suddenly unsure of himself.  Seeing my husband who I knew to be strong and put together hesitate like this, the man who has led this war without a single ounce of fear or reluctance, was a bit scary. Was this conversation truly such a hard one to have?
"I'm sorry Lia, I'm trying to find the words," Paul said quietly, shaking his head at himself in disappointment. "There's too much going on in my head right now."
I nodded, trying to understand. "Okay. Okay. Yeah, well the Emperor just said you have to marry his daughter to take his place. Are you... are you going to go back and respond?"
He exhaled, his eyes still staring at the floor as if he was considering it. "Right. I need to..."
"Need to... go back and... say what?" I tried to push a little more. God, did I feel pathetic. Here I was trying to figure out if my husband was going to agree to marry another woman. "Are you going to say... yes?"
Paul's eyes remained on the floor, though his expression remained uncertain. "I- I need to... I don't know-"
The sound of quick footsteps coming from the same hall we did caught our attention, and we watched the familiar drapes of a beige Jubba cloak appear as Stilar rounded the corner to meet us.
"There you are," he shook his head in disappointment, "why did you leave? Everyone is not sure whether to wait for you to not. You need to go back before the Emperor changes his mind. After all, you did walk away from kanly."
Paul shook his head and I could tell from the faintest redness in his cheeks that he was embarrassed. We all know this is very unlike him to be so... messy.
"I just... was caught off guard," Paul answered, finally finding the words and courage to meet Stilgar's eyes.
Stilgar paused for a moment and looked him up and down, almost confused and with silent judgment. "The Lisan al Gaib already knows what is meant to happen. Why do you hesitate?"
Paul swallowed and nodded his head, closing his eyes in reluctant agreement. "Yes, I know. It wasn't necessary for me to step away like this."
"Wait, what do you mean?" I asked Stilgar, referring to what he said to Paul so I can understand his attempt at reassurance.
Stilgar motioned toward Paul as if it were obvious. "He is the messiah. He knows everything. He understands the past, present, and future. It is his power. He already knows what is going to happen, so I do not understand why he hesitates."
Paul shook his head, still embarrassed. "Yes, I know. I know how it ends. I shouldn't have left, I understand Stilgar."
I shook my head, trying to understand. "Paul knows everything that has happened? And everything that is going to happen?"
Stilgar nodded. I turned to Paul who seemed hesitant, his face pulled almost into a grimace. 
"So you already know whether or not you marry Irulan?" I said, not caring to hide my distaste anymore. This was what we were both thinking about, there was no point in avoiding it. 
But before he could even answer, my mind jumped again to a more recent and painful thought that I was trying to avoid. 
"Wait, did you know that Leto was going to die?" There was a real sense of urgency to my voice. My heart rate picked up. "Paul, did you know there was going to be an attack on the sietch and that our son was going to die?"
Paul stared at me with sad and sorry eyes. He stared at me as if he were guilty. Complicit. 
Silence fell.
I nodded and said nothing else. Instead, I just walked away. 
***
hi guys sorry for late update. its my fault, i know. I'm a liar, i know. the next few chapters are kind of almost basically all drafted out, it was this one i really needed to power through (and the next one too i think) but after that i think I'll be pretty much done. just a few more chapters to go here. we are coming to an end
what do you think so far? how do we feel?
with love,
via <3