Rock and a Hard Place

                                    

                                          

          The walk to Eibhlin's room in the compound felt as though it took much longer than usual. Perhaps it was because the weight of what I had to do was finally getting to me, or maybe it was how I was trying to come up once again with an excuse as to why I didn't need to tell her. I knew I did though, but gods how I wished I didn't. As I came up to her door, all I could think about was what I would do if I lost her, be it to some freak accident, a marriage to a rock troll, or the brutality of the Mad Titan himself. I had made her a promise, a solemn vow that I would not allow anyone to stand between us and the life we desired, yet the simple fact that she could be so easily taken from me loomed above my head. 

    My hand hovered in the air as I tried to will myself to knock. I had promised her that there would be no more secrets, no more lies; that we would make decisions together... So, why was it so damned hard to follow through? I was the God of Mischief, Lies, and Tricks; I was more than capable of making sure what was mine stayed mine. I didn't want to be that though, at least not only that. I had promised myself, Eibhlin, so many things these past few years, never once afraid that I wouldn't be able to see them through until now. I could overpower and outsmart Odin; the Mad Titan was another story though. With a heavy sigh, I knocked on her door; I'd figure something out. 

    Eibhlin nearly ripped the door off the hinges gripping me by my collar as she threw me into her room and slammed the door once more. I winced as she slammed me against the nearest wall, her frustration still evident. 

    "Do you know how positively infuriating you are," she demanded to know, yet refused to give me a moment to answer. "How utterly exhausting it is to watch you fight amongst them, to listen as you continue to lie to me?"

    I didn't have an answer for her. "Eibhlin, I-"

    "Is this all just a game to you; is there some deep pleasure you take from watching me suffer, from making everyone hate you?"

    Again, I had no answer. As I opened my mouth to try to calm her rage, my mind recalled a similar conversation from seven years prior. I had been handled things and been treated in much the same way that night, though by far rougher hands. Sif's rage at having been told about my plan to propose had been just as palpable as Eibhlin's now, though she believed I had lied to her and in many ways I had. A lie by omission was still a lie, even if it was a loophole I often enjoyed extorting. 

    I remembered that night well. It was the start of the inevitable breakdown of my life as I knew it that would ultimately lead me to nearly destroying the Jotunheim and Thor with it; and all because I bottled everything up, just as I was doing now. Back then, I had worried that that moment was the death of not just what was, but what could have been. As I looked into Eibhlin's teary eyes, I realized I was standing on that same precipice once more. What bothered me most though, was how I had been able to acknowledge then that what I was feeling wasn't what I wanted, so why was I going back? Why was I bottling and hiding my feelings once more when I had someone, multiple people actually, who didn't just want to help me but cared enough to do so?

    Grasping her wrists, I spun Eibhlin around and pressed her small, shapely form up against the wall, kissing her hard. I needed a moment to gather my thoughts, a moment to figure out a way to show her that I could and would fix this; that she was and had always been worth everything. 

    Her small gasp as I pulled away only further accented her stunned expression. "What are-"

    I kissed her again, not giving her a moment to think, to speak. My hand moved to take hold of that neck of hers, my thumb finding her pulse point as I just kept her head still, my leg moving to stop hers from kicking me. "No." She glared up at me, parting those lips to speak only to be silenced once more as I laid claim to them. Tears began to slide down her cheeks, but whether they were ones of sorrow, frustration, or sheer rage at her inability to overpower me at that moment I could not say. "No," I whispered breathlessly, my lips pressing softly to her forehead. "No..."

    "No, what," She demanded; her voice a low growl that almost rivaled my own at this point. 

    "I don't enjoy making everyone hate me, least of all you." 

    "Then why do you insist upon keeping me in the dark? Are we not equals; have we not both been used?"

    "Yes."

    "Then why? Have I done something to offend you, to wrong you; something so inexcusable that you would feel the need to use me as Sif once used you?"

    That stung, and I could not hide the wince that overcame me. "No, no of course not. That's not what I'm-"

    "But it is. Can you not see how it is?" Tears began to roll down her cheeks faster and she squirmed in my grasp harder. She pushed courageously, her will just as strong as mine as she tried to get out from under my grasp; I was a god though, and while she was a powerful creature of mythical proportions, she was not as strong as me. 

    "I see that I've hurt you. I see that I've failed to be the man you know me to be, the man I want to be," I gripped her shoulders firmly, holding her in place; I needed her to listen, to understand. 

    "Then be that man," she snapped; "Be that man, the one who wished to make Asgard a better place for all people, the man who never let anything stand in his way from being honest, even brutally so. The man who was willing to give up a throne, the throne, for me... Or was that a lie; just another manipulation from the God of Mischief?"

    "I am the God of Mischief... And everything is a lie, Eibhlin; everything except for you." I ran my hands down her arms as she stared up at me with those perfect mossy eyes of hers, her ears half perked in her confusion. "It shouldn't work, you and I... Chaos and peace, Light and Dark; good sense dictates against this working, but we've made it work... You make me work. I will never be a hero. And I am okay with that, but are you?"

    "Loki-"

    "Are you okay with it?"

    "You are not a villain."

    "I am," I said softly, my face reflected in those eyes. "I am... I am and I am good at it. And with everything coming, a villain may be exactly what we need." 

    Eibhlin balked at my answer, her concern growing the longer the silence carried. Finally, she asked me the question I had been dreading. "What is coming?"

    My heart sank. There was no turning back from this moment; I could either tell her the truth and start finding my way back to that man I wanted to be, or I could continue to lie to her and remain stagnant once more. This was the hardest decision I had ever had to make, but it was one I had to get right. With a heavy breath, I told her everything. 

    I watched her face go through every stage of grief in slow agonizing disbelief. She handled the news of my betrayal to Asgard and her to the Mad Titan well, pulling me close as her hands twisted in my hair while she told me it was alright and that she understood. How she could be so forgiving of my misdeeds even now was something I would never be able to fully understand or appreciate. As I began to tell her about Odin's plans for her though, her understanding faded; giving way to complete denial. 

    "He... He wants to marry me off... No, no; Odin is a terrible man, but I have no worth, I am no one, nothing-"

    "Little Dove, you are not nothing. You are the best thing to happen to Asgard."

    "Do not let Thor hear you say that."

    "A wise suggestion." Smirking, I shook my head, cupping her face, my thumbs running along her cheekbones. "Eibhlin, we-"

    "Everything will be fine. I am sure you simply misheard."

    "No. No, Little Dove, I did not mishear. I read the contract myself, as did Thor. You are to be wed to the Troll Lord Headsman's son come August."

    "It is a mistake. I am a servant. I have no status, no one would barter me for a treaty."

    "Eibhlin, that is not true-"

    "And the Rock Trolls of the Nornheim have been allies of Asgard since Odin first came to be called All-Father, there is no reason for a marriage."

    "But one has been arranged. Eibhlin, listen please; you are to be married off come August if we do not find a way to spare you of such. And I will find a way, I swear it."

    Her lip quivered ever so slightly stopping as she shook her head and bit down on it. "No... No, you are mistaken. This is a cruel joke, another of your manipulations; a, a way for you to leave again."

    "No, never."

    "But it must be. Odin has only ever tolerated me, and barely at that, even now when he has given me a title and you yours back, it is simply to make himself look better. To barter me would be to admit that I have value-"

    "You do."

    "That I belong-"

    "You do."

    "That I... I am Asgardian..."

    "You are, Little Dove, you are." I wiped at her tears, my voice wavering with emotion as I forced her to look at me. "You are Eibhlin of Éire, Lady of Asgard, Avenger... Love of my life... You are all of this and so much more. Odin has everything to gain from marrying you off, while I, I have only everything to lose."

    Those eyes stared up at me, unsure. "Who would ever want to marry me?"

    "I do. I wish to marry you."

    "You do not mean that. You cannot mean that."

    "Why cannot I," I asked feeling as though my world was shattering as she pulled from my grasp. "Eibhlin, you... You are the only person who has ever been capable of looking me in the eye, calling out my lies, and not leaving me when I have deserved nothing less. You have given me a purpose, one far more glorious than I could have ever managed to envision and it is one that I know I cannot achieve without you beside me."

    "I, I... I would be nothing more than a regret. A secret you would always need hide... I cannot exist like that."

    "Impossible," I scoffed, not bothering to hide my frustration. "You are my glorious purpose; you are everything Mother wished Thor and me to find as we grew, and I do wish to marry you."

    "You.... You do?"

    "I would not have asked you the first time, nor confirmed such a desire if I did not. I may be the God of lies, but I cannot lie to you... Not anymore."

    She studied me, cautious and while I did not blame her, it still stung. I had put her in a position to doubt my love, something I had vowed never to do. I had never tried to deny that my choices, who I was at my core, would always be cause for her to hold doubt, to forever glance over her shoulder in fear of betrayal; my love for her though, that I had never wanted her to doubt. After a moment, we shared a sigh. 

    "What are we going to do?"

    "What about?"

    "Well, if you truly wish to marry me then I cannot be married off to another..." She managed a small smirk. 

    Shaking my head, I cupped her chin, my thumb resting on that plump bottom lip of hers. I had been obsessed with her lips, ears, and freckles for as long as I could remember; nearly as long as she had been a part of my life at least, though in truth I often felt like the love affair had started that night in the kitchens when I'd first watched her sleep. Back then, all I had wanted was to tell her how I felt, to be honest with her; I'd been too much of a coward to do so and it seemed history was repeating itself. 

    I took a deep breath, knowing that what I was about to say was one of those improbable suggestions and not just because it was one of Thor's ideas. "We could try the Jotunheim... What is left of it anyway..."

    Her frown said that she felt the same as I did. "That is not an option. If I would not return to Asgard only to be separated from you, in what realm do you think I would go to Jotunheim without you?"

    "It may be our only option, Little Dove," I sighed, giving that lip a gentle tug. "I do not like it either, but it would give us the best chance... Being apart."

    Eibhlin shook her head, pulling away from me stubbornly. "No. No, dammit! I will not be forced to the Jotunheim, alone; banished from Asgard, from Midgard, from our friends, from you... No. No, there must be a better option."

    "Little Dove, this could work. I could go with you, make amends, and plead our case; see if they would allow you safe passage to remain under my being the rightful king of the Jotunheim now that Laufey is dead."

    "He would not be had you not been the one to slay him," Eibhlin grumbled, still a bit perturbed at the way I had gone about that plan. Looking back five years removed now, I couldn't help but want to cringe as well. "There is no guarantee they would welcome me."

    "They would welcome you. I cannot think of any people who would not welcome one such as you."

    "You speak as if I am a goddess."

    "You are my goddess," I smirked, kissing her sweetly only to nip at her lip as I pulled away. "Would you be willing to at least consider it?"

     A soft, yet heavy sigh left her lips before she reluctantly nodded. "If we can think of nothing else, then yes. What if they refuse to recognize you as Laufey's son; what if they wish revenge?"

    "I will banish myself if it will make them feel better," I reassured her, my lips seeking the crown of her head. "I will worry about me later, so long as I know you are safe from being married to another, or taken to a place I cannot go and you cannot leave."

    "How long do you think we would need to be apart for Odin to give up on this silly treaty?"

    I shrugged, pulling her tightly to me. "I do not know, Little Dove. I would like to think a few months, but a year is more likely..."

    "I cannot be away from you for a year... Not again. This life will kill me if I do not have you..."

    Grasping her chin roughly, I tilted her head up so she was forced to look at me; to see how serious I was. "Never say that." With a sigh, I kissed her forehead. "It would not be like last time, Little Dove. I would write to you, I would find a way to see you, be with you."

    "That may be difficult if you banish yourself," she smirked. This woman... She truly was my equal. 

    "I am only so willing to banish myself from the place you may decide to be because I know that I have ways of getting to you."

    "Ways blocked off by Heimdall, you mean," Eibhlin sighed. 

    A grin tugged at my lips, my hands moving to tangle in her hair. "Do you truly believe that could stop me?"

    "I believe Heimdall is far more capable than you realize. He also did not take kindly to your deception last time."

    I laughed softly with her, a sigh overtaking me. "No, I suspect not. Something I will likely have to apologize for. One of many, many apologies I must make on my road to redemption."

    Eibhlin simply nodded.  She lifted her arms to rest around my neck, her forehead resting on my chin as she often did; it was a comfortable arrangement, one that reminded me of how small she was despite her generously, ample curves. "Promise me... Promise me that we will find a way around this. That someday, I will marry you and not another, and that it will not take a year of being apart to make it so."

    "I will not make you a promise I cannot keep."

    "Then lie to me."

    Staring at her, I shook my head. "I cannot lie to you... Not anymore. And I don't want to." The ring box in my pocket felt heavy once more and I couldn't help but bite my lip as I smiled. "You know... We could just get married now..."

    She shook her head and shoved me away shaking her head. "Everything is a joke to you."

    Grabbing her hand, I pulled her back to me, prepared to fall to my knee and throw caution to the wind. "Eibhlin, I-" there was a knock at her door. 

    She sighed pulling away from me. "To be continued, as always..." I nodded politely, internally vowing to tear whoever was behind the door limb from limb. 

    Banner stood there, an unsure look on his face; though some of that uncertainty melted away when he realized we were both dressed just as we had been earlier. "Uh, so, Tony just got back a little early and uh... Well, come and see." He tilted his head down the hall before letting out a heavy exhale as if worried. 

    This did not bode well. "What is wrong?"

    "Nothing, it's just... Sort of hard to explain." I watched as he headed down the hall, looking back at Eibhlin who shrugged before following him. This did not bode well at all.