What if its us?

                                    

                                          

My breakup letter to you sits idly on the counter. It's blank for now, since I have not yet found the proper words to my emotions. I was locked in a cage of feeling for so long, but being with you felt like the key to it all.
Unfortunately, keys don't last forever. They rust. They break. So does whatever bond we had.
My 23 unfinished letters lie sadly in my rubbish bin. The box which once held all your valuable things are packed neatly in a corner. 
it's been months since we broke up, but I didn't have the heart the trash it. Maybe I was still holding on to some hope. 
It's too late now. My life has moved on, even though it feels like my heart hasn't.
I thought we could still be friends after this, still hang out and text every night. Like normal platonic people would do. 
but then you moved. You fucking MOVED halfway across the world.
I tried to keep in contact. I really did, trust me. But the time zones where so fucking different and you weren't in your right mind. None of us were.
After a month of one sided messages and texts, I had had enough. I needed to get out of the past and focus on the present. History wasn't important right now. Our relationship had crashed and burned and I didn't need to get into all that again. 
I ended it. 
I still remember that night. I might regret that night for the rest of my days. I wished i could go back in time, change it all so that it wouldn't hurt as much.
I had broke our months long bond over text. over FUCKING text. what a fucking coward I am. 
I remember feeling numb. So fucking numb it felt like I was drifting out of my own body. And I pushed in my emotions. Everything. Denial. 
We couldn't work. I knew that. he told me he would wait. he would wait for me when I figured myself out. He would be here waiting. And I wanted so badly to tell him. 
I want to tell him that he shouldn't wait. That it was never going to work out. Not in this universe. but maybe in some other ones. 
But that would fucking shatter his fragile heart. He had been broken too many times. So I didn't. I didn't increase the cracks. I kept it it. And I wait for it....
Cut to the present. Closure. I don't care if he doesn't want some, but I do. I need it likes it's the last bits of oxygen left in the world. 
I tried texting my friends. They'd been there for me when I was at my worst. When I had my first nervous breakdown in the middle of the night over a text you sent. Through it all. 
They told me to get over you. Some told me to win you back. Some threatened to cut off your dick and make you eat it???? 
My friends are weird but that's what makes me love them. 
My heart was racing, the blank paper was still there. I had to write something. 
I reached for my phone. I scrolled through Spotify hoping to find some inspiration. Hoping the words will magically find me. 
I landed on "Someday" by OneRepublic. Our first song.
And then I picked up my pen and started writing. 






My dearest, Nico, 
I don't know how to start this because I'm so overwhelmed with emotions while I'm jotting this down. So I'm going to start with the thing that has been on my mind ever since we broke up. 
Im sorry. I'm sorry we didn't work out. I'm sorry it had to end like this. I'm sorry I can't love you enough. I'm sorry that I wasn't enough. I'm sorry I couldn't be that person for you. I can never be that happily ever after you've talked about all those times. I'm sorry I can't be with you holding your hand when you visit the burmuda triangle, a spot on your bucket list where you've always wanted to see. I'm sorry that I will never meet your sisters, or get to scold your parents for being such horrible parents to such a kind soul as you are. I'm sorry we can't have anymore of our late night talks, where I would hide under the duvet and listen to you rant through the night. I'm sorry I couldn't be there when you were having your breakdowns. I'm sorry for caring. But again, I'm sorry for caring too much. I could say a thousand sorries, but I know none of those changes are thing unless our actions change. And I know we've tried so hard 
It's been scary. this whole new territory for us. And I think it's best if I let you explore it on your own. If we BOTH do. It would do us better in the long run.  And I know you. I know you well enough to know how you'll react to this. But it's not your fault. And it isn't mine. I don't know if this will make you hate me more, but I'm willing to do anything to save whatever love is left in you. I don't want to be that person who pulls your strings and yanks it out in the end. I never wanted to be the villain in your story. But I've made a bunch of stupid mistakes. I was irrational. I was stupid. I'm so genuinely sorry for making you feel hope and not being able to fulfill that. 
I know this is stupid. Me putting my emotions into this stupid letter. I'm playing the coward again.  But I don't think I can face you right now. I don't want to see your face when you look at the person who broke your heart. I think that might kill me.  I'm sending this the old fashioned way and I hope it didn't get lost in the mail. I hope you receive this, and then again, I don't. I'm sorry I ruined your day by this letter. By now, you're probably chilling with your new boyfriend or something. And I hope you are. Because you deserve the world. You deserve a person who can love you with their whole heart. And I can't be that person for you. No matter how hard I try. It's time to move on so I guess this is goodbye on our love. -Sincerely yours, Will




I put down my pen. I didn't know it that was enough. I knew it would never be enough for you. I wasn't lying when I said you deserved the world. I reread the letter a few more times. That would have to be enough.
I sent it the next morning. I wrote my part. Now it's your turn.