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Taraji's POV
I knew that Fantasia would be gone when I woke up, but it was still disappointing to see. I don't know why I thought for a second that she would share my bed with me while her husband was right across the hall. Wishful thinking, I guess. Why won't the Lord send me a super fine dark skin woman with tattoos and a fat ass who's not toxic and also isn't married? That's the only thing I pray for at this point. I'm just so tired of being alone, but I don't want to surround myself with people who aren't good for me like I did with Kelvin just so that I can't say I'm not alone for once. I may have had Fantasia for a night, but Kendall gets to have her night and day, every day of the week. I'm so jealous of him. I want what he has. I want Fantasia all to myself. Last night she did things to my body that I'm still trying to make sense of. I didn't know that it was possible to experience so much pleasure all in one moment. I want it to happen again and again. We're way past morals now. If she doesn't care about how she's hurting her husband, why should I? I've spent so much of my life feeling bad the way men treated me. It's time that I feel good for once, and I'm not going to apologize for putting my wants and needs above anyone else's feelings.
I just wish that I would have stood my ground for a little longer last night. I gave in to her so easily, she almost didn't have to try at all. She makes me weaker in the knees than SWV. She said the cruelest, most degrading things to me and I responded by laying on my back and opening my legs for her. What the hell is wrong with me? Could I be more damaged than I thought? I know that I'm never going to fully heal myself spiritually and mentally if I keep going on with Fantasia like this, but if leaving her alone is what healing entails then I don't want to heal. I'll be broken for the rest of my life if it means that she'll put me back together, even if it is just a sexual connection. My father is probably rolling over in his grave right now. He raised me to be strong, and now I'm just out here embarrassing him. Like me, my dad had some serious mental health problems. He developed PTSD from fighting in the army. He was as unstable as they come, but he used the healthier parts of his mind to motivate me and push me to be independent. Back in those days, therapy was still a taboo in the black community. There was no outlet for people like him with his background and his skin color. He just brushed his trauma under the rug again and again until it filled the room and everyone was forced to feel it. One of my most vivid memories of his psychotic break was him kidnapping me when I was 3 years old. He picked me up from my preschool even though he wasn't allowed to see me at the time. I didn't understand what was happening at that age. All I knew was that my daddy wanted to spend time with me and I wanted to spend time with him. I wasn't scared of him at all.
I'm scared of Fantasia. The control that she has over my mind and body is terrifying. It scares me that she can hurt me to my core, and I still try to find the good in her because I want her so badly. It scares me how intoxicating she is. It scares me that she can light a fire inside of me and calm my flames all at the same time. It scares me that I'm willing to compromise all of my values and everything that makes me Taraji just to have her for a moment. Now I have to face her on set today. No amount of acting master classes and training have prepared me to work with the married woman I had sex with and pretend that everything is normal, but I have to try if I want to keep my job. On top of that, I have to see Dani again. She was quick to forgive me for kissing her, but I haven't forgiven myself yet. I don't know if I ever will. When I aligned myself with these women upon first meeting them at Oprah's house, I never imagined that we would end up like this. On set, I'm still going to be there to offer them guidance and mentorship because I promised that I would, and I don't break my promises. No matter if my promises break me.
I was messaging my glam squad about when to be on set and how to get there when I was interrupted by a knock on the door. When I answered it, I came face to face with Dani. She was dressed in business casual sweats, obviously prepared to put the bull shit aide and put the work in. I'm honestly quite shocked that she's standing in front of me right now. If I were her, I would be running from the hills to escape me, but Dani sees something good in me that I struggle with seeing in myself. Maybe that's why I kissed her, because she's kind and compassionate to me in a way that I don't know how to be to myself. That doesn't excuse it, but it at least explains it.
Danielle: I hope you're well rested and ready to act your ass off. I came to see if you wanted to ride to set together. I know we have the same call sheets for today.
Taraji: Sure, I'd love to ride with you.
Danielle: Cool. Which one of us is driving?
Taraji: Driving?! We don't have drivers to take us to and from set? Oh no, what kind of shit is this?
Danielle: Are we not supposed to drive ourselves?
Taraji: You're definitely allowed to, but in most cases, the studio pays for transportation. It's a safety thing. I'll try to get it straightened out. Until then, you drive. My head is all over the place and I don't want to kill us.
Danielle: Oh God, what's wrong now?
In the car, I told Dani all about how Fantasia popped up on me in my room and literally fucked me to sleep. By the time I was done giving her all the dirty details, her jaw was on the floor and her mouth was wide open.
Danielle: You know I never run out of shit to say, but I am truly speechless. You know you're like a certified side chick now, right?
Taraji: Oh please, it was just a one-time thing. I could never be a side chick.
Dani: You and I both know that it's bound to happen over and over again. You're too good to be anybody's side. You're strictly main course material, but Fantasia isn't going to see that if you keep allowing her to treat you the way she does. It hurts for me to watch it, so I know it must hurt ten times worse for you to go through it.
Taraji: Fantasia's not the only villain. I guess there aren't any good guys in this story.
Danielle: Kendall is a good guy. And his wife fucked you right across the hall from him. Raj, how could you let that happen?
Taraji:*sighs* I don't know, Dani. Have you ever wanted something or someone so bad that you felt like you would die if you didn't get what you wanted? That's how I feel with Fantasia. It's wrong, but it's raw and it's real.
Danielle: Just be careful, Taraji. Both of you need to be careful. If news of your affair ever gets out it'll destroy both of your careers and overshadow the movie.
Taraji: I know, but I wasn't thinking about any of that last night when she kissed me.
Dani released a heavy sigh, rolling her eyes and keeping her focus on the road all at the same time. Last night a lot of negative thoughts crossed my mind, but they didn't stick around to visit. They were gone just as fast as they came, and the only thing left on my mind was how good Tasia was making me feel. If I am her side chick, it's the best side to be on.
