entry #165- awkward is not quite the word

                                    

                                          
فيزا 
I'm here, sitting down face to face at the breakfast table with my boyfriend's stunning ex girlfriend, and while I'm cuddling my feathered son and sipping on coffee as a getaway from my anxiety induced by her, she's savouring a croissant (fuck her, she can eat without having panic attacks, yet stay lean, and I'm fucking jealous of her)... and she's still looking at me like she's trying to think about the right words to teach me what 'dates' are, here in the US. Because no, she doesn't want me to get away with my (faked) ignorance circa the hookup culture and language of this country... she just wants me to know if I'm hooking up with anyone from her ex boyfriend's band, and she's looking for evidence on my account. That's commitment, ladies and gentleman. On my side, because I keep pretending I don't know English properly, of course only when it looks good on me. But on her side too, because she ain't giving away hints of wanting to leave me alone anytime soon. She's probably thinking that I should've taken English classes before applying for a US visa, and she's right... but she's scratching her chin now, and smiling more or less like she thinks she found the right words to tell me that 'dates' aren't just dried fruits. She's in her inquisitive English teacher element now... but I'm still in my dumb Arab person element, and I have a good feeling I'm going to be able to counter her words again, no matter what. Watch me making a fool of myself and belittling my knowledge of English in front of my 'rival' in love in 3...2..1... boom. 
'I mean, are you... seeing one of the guys... sleeping with one of the guys... that kind of stuff. That's dating'. She explains, and her knack for total detail leaves me pretty unable to either make a fool of myself in front of her, or even counter her words. Actually, her words are just making me feel awkward to the core, kind of guilty, and very confused. But on top of the list, sorry for her. Because the more I look at her getting weak and bothered in front of me, the more she keeps asking me if I'm dating someone from her ex boyfriend's band... the more I think that I could be in her same boat right now. More like, I could be the girl with the broken heart and the fear of having lost the love of her life to another woman. And guess what? That's the reason why I just can't get to squeeze her hand, get honest with her, and tell her that I'm seeing, loving, living and sleeping with the man she's still madly in love with. I'm his whole girlfriend, fuck's sake, not just his prey of the week. I'm serious with him and he's serious with me. We have plans to make our affair work for more than just a few months, because we really do love eachother. I have a ring with his name and mine engraved on it around my middle finger. He's the love of my life, if you ask me, and being with him makes me the happiest girl who's ever lived. But one of these days, he might as well realise that he doesn't love me anymore, and I may as well join the team of the delusional ex girlfriends with Jessica. And man, the thought of that alone is enough to make me think that, very similarly to Jessica, I'd have a hard time getting over my feelings for Sean. I would fucking hate to know that while I'm crying for him, someone else is out there making him happy... digging his goodness ... eeekkk. 
'Nooooo! No no Jess! Why would you think that!' I squeal, more like, I lie from the top of my lungs, putting my palms well over the shirt I'm wearing... more or less like I'm trying to wipe the 'Alice in Chains' lettering off it. I'm lying like a Cuntrell and hating myself for that, but I just can't help myself: it's not that I don't have the courage to tell Jess that I'm his ex's current girlfriend, it's just that I don't want to break her heart by doing the damn thing, if it even makes sense. I know this girl, I know she's a sweetie, and I don't want to be the one to break her. I don't want to lose her as a friend, but I know that I will, if I come out to her as Sean's new belle. I don't wanna find myself wiping tears off her cheeks ever again, because it makes me wanna cry by reflex. I already consoled her once, that night at Cuntrell's, back to when I didn't know she was crying for Sean... and I was aching for her, even if I didn't know why she was aching to begin with. I know that I can't go on lying to her forever, like I know that I can't keep my relationship with Sean in the closet for any longer than a few hours, because my love for him is literally written all over my face... but can someone give me an alternative to doing the denier? She put her life in a halt and travelled from Seattle to Memphis to show him how much he cares about him... that's two thousand miles and lots of dedication... that's more miles than I traveled from Seattle to Oakland and from New York to New Orleans combined, for the same man and in name of the same feeling... she's making me wanna cry now...