chapter 20

                                    

                                          

josephine lee 
disclaimer: smut (I know. I know.)
I haven't had time to see Jack since the game after the Florida trip and while it's been refreshing to get myself alone and think about how I truly feel without him being around I will admit I do miss his physical presence. I miss playfully arguing and flirting with him. It all feels so effortless and fun until I freak myself out. 
As the whole world knows due to growing up in the spotlight, I haven't exactly had the best example of love. So to finally, for the first time in my life have a gentle and kind man wanting to be with me it's scary, but I'm working through it. I already blew Jack off for months and I'm not sure how much longer he'll stick around if I keep dancing around the fact that good relationships scare me. 
If I'm going to be with Jack I'm going to be with him the right way. I'm going to push through all the fears that cause me to take ten steps back and try to move forward with him. With that being said I plan on telling him that after tonight's game. I decided today was the day after he called me after morning skate checking in with me and asking if I'd be at tonight's game. 
We talked for a bit on his drive home and once he hung up I could not get my stupid smile off my face. I turned to a new page in my journal and started scribbling down a lot of what I'm feeling. So even though I miss his physical presence so much of his energy is in the lyrics I'm writing. Honestly, it feels like he's right next to me when I'm smiling after rereading my lyrics. 
"Our secret moments in your crowded room. They got no idea about me and you." I say out loud, holding back my grin after writing the lyrics I got from my notes app. I came up with that after Jack's hand brushed up against mine at the party we were both stuck in. I stand by the fact that if it were anyone else's hand I wouldn't have turned but I knew it was him. 
I'm still unsure if this will end up on the EP I'm currently working on or a later album, but I really like the way it sounds. I keep writing, mentioning how it felt to not be able to openly touch him and how it feels to be with him. "All of this silence and patience, pining and desperately waiting my hands are shaking from all this. Say my name and everything just stops, I don't want you like a best friend. Only bought this dress so you could take it off." I giggle after dropping my pencil. 
After those lyrics, my brain starts fogging up on the song I named 'Dress' I move on to something else and divert my attention to another song. This next untitled song has me scribbling and crossing out variations of the same lyrics. "I'm perfectly fine, I live on my own, I made up my mind I'm better off being alone. We met a few weeks ago now you try on calling me baby like trying on clothes." 
I look over the lyrics with a scrunched-up expression going back and forth between liking it and hating it. I slowly close my journal, looking away from the lyrics since I must've blocked myself out with my billion thoughts of Jack. Once it's completely closed, sitting in front of me I groan loudly at my inability to write after getting a small handful of lyrics down. 
I take a step away from the table and check my phone to see that it's now 3:00, meaning I should probably start getting ready for tonight's game. I start by looking through my closet, pushing every article of clothing to the side before landing on Dad's jersey. I pull it off its hanger and toss it on my bed. With the jersey I'll wear tights, a mini skirt and some thigh-high boots. I'll most likely freeze my ass off but fashion comes first. 
Once my outfit is planned I head to the bathroom to start my makeup. I rub my primer in with my hands and look down at my phone on the counter when it starts buzzing. 
jack can i stop by very quickly?
josie at my home?
jack preferably