26.

                                    

                                          
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All those little times you said that I'm your girl
You make me feel like your whole world
—Lana Del Rey/Pretty When You Cry
His touch's hot as fire, his face's cold as ice. 
He's like all I ever want yet all I can't allow myself to have. 
He's finally playing by my rules, so why does his indifference make my heart ache?
I'm going crazy, if not already.
I don't know what I want anymore.
I don't want him close, but I don't want him to be distanced either.
I don't want attachment, but I don't want him to be detached either.
His punishment feels like reward. I come on his tongue, his fingers and more than I can count, on his dick. 
We just fucked in his penthouse this morning. And now in his private jet twelve hours later.
The bedroom quite smells like cum and pure sex. Our fuck is now only centered on primal desire.
He's so calm about it while I'm anything but. Something's definitely wrong with me.
I leave the bedroom and back to the cabin, taking a vacant seat to stare out the window plane. There's not much to see. There's not much to drink either except for the overly sweet strawberry soda I clearly don't enjoy.
I need wine or rum or anything to drown my chaotic mind.
I feel worthless this very second.
Unloved.
But I am the one who puts the boundaries. I'm the one who pushes him away.
So, I don't think I have the right to feel like this.
🍬🍬🍬
We land in Turin at night. It's raining heavily. Almost matching my energy. It's cold and melancholic. As if the sky is mocking me. 
The drive to the mansion is maddeningly quiet. Even as we arrive. We don't speak. And it's not a peaceful silence, the one I can sit through comfortably. It's strained and somewhat tense. 
Despite it all, Dave is totally indifferent. Too calm. Too put together.
I want to scream just to fill the silence.
In the end, the sanest part of me wins the battle. I play along. Unbothered.
To keep my sanity stays as long as possible, I opt to spend time in the library. A place where it's not suffocating. Ironically far from his presence.
I'm reading Rage for distraction. It's short, so I quickly finish it in one go. When it's already midnight and I still can't sleep, I grab another book. The Silent Patient.
I read for hours.
In the end, I don't sleep at all.