Chapter Eight: Ravka

                                    

                                          
Isa stands on the dock, focusing on her hand placement. It seems summoning shadows is easier than controlling them. The only times she can seem to successfully use her abilities is when adrenaline is pumping through her body. But during practice, it seems impossible. 
"You need to relax," Tolya tells her. He walks behind her, carefully repositioning her. Isa's heart starts to pick up. He seems to radiate warmth, which is nice given how cold it is. 
"Maybe I'm just not cut out for this Grisha shit," she jokes.
"You managed to do the Cut on the first try," he points out.
"That's what I did?"
"Yes. And it's a difficult move." He walks back around and she drops her hands. "What were you thinking about when you did it?"
"Keeping our idiot captain alive."
"Well then focus on that. Focus on trying to keep people alive."
"I don't think it works like that if there's no clear threat."
"Just try."
She quietly mimics him before holding up her hands. Facing towards the ocean, she repeats the hand motions she had used before. Her thoughts focusing on people she cares about. Her crew and her cousin. Shadows weave together before flying out over the water for a short distance. It wasn't exactly like before, nor would've it done any damage, but it's a start.
"It was a good attempt," he tells her.
 "Should I try again, teacher?" she asks, looking at him. 
"If you feel up to it. You actually did something this time."
Taking a deep breath, Isa turns back to the ocean and tries again. Once again failing at it. Of course she failed. She should expect nothing less. It's not like she's had been successful during any of their trainings. It's been one failure after another for two years. She's lucky she had succeeded when in dire situations before.
"If you're not perfect at what is expected of you, people will walk all over you," she could her mother saying. Something she would say often when Isa would mess up on anything. "They will just think you're useless. Prove you're not useless."
Anger seems to take over her as she keeps trying. She's not useless. She can't be useless. Not when they are going to most likely have to fight her father soon.
"Isa," Tolya warns. She ignores him and tries again. She keeps going, trying to perfect the move. "Isa! Stop!"
Tears are running down her face in frustration. The shadows hover around above the ocean. She wasn't perfect. As her frustration and anger continues to fester inside of her, the shadows seem to grow and move around. She can feel her heart slow down and her body feel limp. The shadows start go decrease as she sinks to her knees. Tolya's arms wrap around her.
"I apologize for using my abilities on you," he tells her. A few tears are still running down her face. 
"Don't be," she manages. "I was losing control."
She hadn't done that since she was little girl. Back when her mother had her first learning how to control her powers. How to hide that she was Grisha and when she needed to use her abilities to stay healthy. One thought keeps running through her head on continuous repeat. The thought of 'I fucked up'. It starts getting harder to breathe as a pressure grows in her chest.
"It's okay," Tolya calmly tells her, his voice low. "It happens."
"I could hurt someone," she sobs.
"But you didn't and you won't."