Chapter 6: Namjoon-twenty-three to twenty-seven

                                    

                                          
Namjoon feels lost. Everything he thought he knew about himself was a total lie, and nothing makes sense anymore. Everything feels like it's crumbling around him.
As Namjoon grew up, the pressure to be the perfect son kept mounting. With Taehyung being the free-spirited one, outspoken, and never conforming to rules, and Seokjin being the elusive eldest and model, never around, Namjoon put enough pressure on himself to be as perfect as he could for his parents. The one who did well in school and was always there to help his parents, as opposed to Seokjin, who dropped out of college to follow his dreams, and Taehyung, who spoke his mind regardless of the consequences. 
But maybe that's what's wrong with Namjoon—always worrying about what other people think of him. Wanting to be known as someone who's smart and dependable.
He hides behind a mask to conceal himself from the world, making him appear to be someone he is not. Perfect Namjoon with the perfect grades and the perfect girlfriend. But the truth is, he knows how far from perfect he truly is. And what exactly is perfection? The way he treated Jungkook wasn't perfect, it was cowardly, and his perfect relationship with Eunji was anything but. It looked good on paper, but after a while, he felt nothing for her other than friendship—a relationship just for show.
Until Jungkook appeared and shattered his perfect façade.
I've wanted you for so long.
Namjoon's mind keeps wandering back to Jungkook and his adorable bunny grin and wide eyes. Namjoon has felt it for a while but had suppressed it, laughing it off as his desire to be a good hyung to the timid boy. As Jungkook matured before his very eyes into a beautiful man, his emotions changed from naivety to something more complex. 
He had been trying to convince himself that the growing attraction he felt for Jungkook was simply friendship, a close bond growing between them. But then fleeting thoughts of how Jungkook's lips might feel against his own began to enter his mind. He fucked up. He knows he did. Jungkook was the last person he wanted to hurt, but watching him hold back tears at the ice cream shop while he just sat there like an idiot—lying to him, lying to himself—he knew how badly he hurt him. 
The night they were at the top of the Empire State Building, all he wanted to do was kiss Jungkook, to press up against him, to feel his body against his own, until he finally gave in to his desires. Instincts drove him forward, wanting nothing more than to cover himself in Jungkook's body heat and in his scent. 
Everything felt scary. Namjoon had never been with a man before, but there was something about Jungkook that made him feel like it didn't matter. Even though there was a lot of confusion about his sexuality, the selfish part of him wanted to get closer and feel Jungkook's lips on his. Jungkook, who had grown into a beautiful, smart man full of laughter and confidence. Someone he felt the need to be near constantly. 
I've wanted you for so long.
That night with Jungkook was simultaneously the best and most confusing of his life, but he loved every intimate moment. He loved every second of being with him. Loved kissing him, holding him, running his hands along his deliciously tight curves—being inside him. Loved feeling the hardness of his body between his hands and pulling pretty moans from him that echoed in his ears, even now. 
It still scares him with how quickly everything moved. How fast he caved and let himself fall into Jungkook's waiting arms. Everything from that night is seared into his mind: the sounds, smells, and every sensation of their bodies pressed up against each other, which only become louder and more vivid when he's alone in bed. When he can give in to his secret desires under the cover of darkness.