15

                                    

                                          
Satan
"Okay, so I was thinking rubber bands?" Angel says as we talk about alternatives for my self-harm. "And then I found this tracking app. It's supposed to help keep track of how long you've been clean." 
I nod my head as she speaks. "Here, put like three on your wrists, and if you ever feel like you need to cut just snap them. Although this isn't stopping self-harm completely it's helping you get out of the habit of cutting.
"Soon we'll work on expressing your emotions in a different way like signing through it or painting!" She says, grinning ear to ear. I can tell how much she cares about me, so I'm going to try. It's hard but I'll try. 
School is coming close to an end with only a couple of months left. It's now April, past spring break, and into school once again. Today, we start our fake baby project. 
Each one of us in child development gets a fake baby. We care for it as we would a regular one. The robotic baby acts just like a real one and has to take it everywhere. I hope this won't increase my stress but I have a feeling it might. Let's hope these rubber bands do the trick.
                                     ———
As we enter the hall of school, hand in hand, we run into Izzy and her boyfriend. "You know, every year we hang together on valentines." 
"You've only known each other for two years. It's not much of a tradition," Angel responds. Lately, Izzy has been displaying jealous behavior. Especially, when she found out I was living with Angel. 
"I wasn't talking to you," she spits back. My confusion only grows as Izzy looks at Angel with what looks like hatred. 
"Why is she so upset?" Angel translates for me. 
"Because you never answered me. I called you three times last night," she replies.
"We were fucking," Angel says and my eyes widen in surprise. "It was Valentine, S has a girlfriend. She's not going to be with you 24/7 all the time now." 
"No, she's just with you and that makes me pissed." 
"Stop acting like the victim. Stop trying to make her feel guilty. She texts you every day, you guys have almost all classes together. She goes to your house weekly, where I'm not allowed to be! The constant complaining is so annoying. S is her person she can do what she wants, whether it's hang out with you or hang out with me." 
"I wanna talk to you," Izzy says, looking at me. I turn to Angel, who just smiles. 
"I'll see you at the break," I sign to her and she nods her head. She goes on her tip toes and kisses my lips. I walk away with Izzy, reaching the bathroom. Xander waits outside and we walk in. 
(TW: Non-consensual kiss leading to a panic attack. Skip to '*' if you can't read) 
"S, do you trust me?" I nod my head, reluctantly. "Angel doesn't love you, just controlling you. I know that it's hard to believe but I'm telling you, something is off with her." 
I don't believe her. Angel has been the most sweetest and loving person I've ever met. I continue to listen though. "I'm not telling you to break up with her but you should consider it." 
I nod my head regretting it. "You'll break up with her?" 
Before I can shake my head, she grabs me fast kissing me. I shiver in fear and freeze in place. The unwanted touching fogs my brain and I no longer want to be here. My heart beat out my chest and I feel the color drain from my face. She's still going and I don't like it, so I push her away. 
I rapidly wipe my lips getting the feeling of her off. It's not working. 
Panic sets in and my breathing gets heavy. "S, are you okay?" 
No! No! I'm not okay. You kissed me and I don't want you to. Why would you do that!?
I snap my rubber band against my wrist. It's all coming back, every time my body has been touched in a way I didn't want to. Tears run down my cheeks as I try to catch my breath. "S? Baby are you okay? What the hell happened?!" 
Angel's hand touches my chest, I fall into her touch immediately. She uses her arm to wrap around me and bring me close. "It's okay, I'm here. It's okay, breathe." 
Her soothing voice attempts to calm me down but the other doesn't help. "S, I'm sorry. Is she okay?" 
"I don't know what you did but you need to leave." 
"Yeah, I'll go..." 
My breath and body calm down after a while. My head hurts and I feel dizzy. "What happened?" 
I look up to see Angel's worried expression. Angel wouldn't understand, she doesn't know what's happened to me. So if I tell her she kissed me, it would seem like much. I just shake my head, telling her I don't wanna say. 
"Okay, that's fine. I'm taking you home," she says, grabbing my hand. 
"I'm okay, it's fine." 
"No, we're going home to snuggle and watch comfort movies," she insists and I can't resist. We walk out and because we're both eighteen we can check ourselves out. So we leave and Angels drives us home. 
                                      ———
After a while of cuddling and binge-watching, I realized that Angel can be trusted. I don't have to be afraid to tell her about me. "If I tell you everything, will you watch and listen?" 
"Yes, I would Light. What do you need to say?" She says shifting her body to face me better. 
I explain it all. The mistreatment, the sexual, physical, and emotional abuse. The fact I was isolated from my own family and the fact my parents hated me so much. They chose my brother over me, every time. Me being the neglected and forgotten daughter. 
"Fuck, Light," Angel says, her tears draining from her eyes. "I don't mean to make it about me, I'm sorry. It's just- you are too good of a person to go through so much," she takes a second. 
"You don't deserve it, any of it. I'm so sorry, I'm here, always. If you need to talk, cry, whatever you need," she says, a comforting hand on my thigh turns into a hug. A nice, warm, and gentle hug that lasts minutes. "Izzy is bitch." 
"I know." 
"What she did. Did it 'set you back'? You've made so much progress from what happened to now. I'm not saying sex is the only thing on my mind. I'm just asking if there are stricter boundaries now. Do you get it?" 
I nod. "I don't know, I think I may need some time before doing anything too revealing again." 
"Okay, if there's anything that I do that's too much, let me know. That's all I wanted to know. I hope you don't think I was just thinking about when I could do 'it' with you again," she says almost looking regretful. 
"No, I don't," I sign shaking my head. "Do you wanna bake a cake?" 
She gasps before saying, "I thought you'd never ask!" 
We ended up making the world worst worst-looking cake but it tasted amazing so it didn't matter. 
Angel, my love, life, and world.