CHAPTER 14

                                    

                                          
MANIK
The guys were going at Abhi's place to watch the video of Friday night's game tonight. Saumya Aunty would make her special sandwich and chocolate cake. She always did. It was something we did every week of football season.
I hadn't planned on going. Hospice had come today for the first time. Dealing with that was harder than I thought it would be. Dad had needed the pain medicines so much this last week, he wasn't coherent enough to ask me about Friday night's game. I'd sat in his room and told him anyway. Hoping that even in drugged sleep, he would hear me.
That he was proud of me.
Soon I wouldn't be able to sit in his room and talk at all.
Getting away from the heaviness in my home was necessary to keep me sane. Having a stranger there, taking care of my Dad, while Mom sat beside him, holding his frail hand. It had been too much.
So I ran. And now I felt guilty about it.
Parking my car outside Abhi's home, I realized I was the last one here. They all probably thought I wasn't coming. When I would walk inside, there would be laughter and joking. None of them had any worries or pain to deal with. It was all good food and football.
I glanced up at the balcony that once used to be Abhi's. Nandini was now living there. I wondered if she was up there now, or if she was downstairs eating sandwiches with the guys. If it were up to her, she wouldn't be. But if it was up to Saumya Aunty, I had a feeling she was forced to sit down there with them.
I didn't know a lot about Nandini, but I watched her. So much so that I was afraid that someone would notice and say something about it. Watching her eased my mind. Even from afar, she was enough to help me breathe. I was becoming dependent on a girl I hardly knew.
Footsteps snapped me out of my thoughts. I turned to see who it was, and my gaze found her.
"Abhi doesn't think you're coming. Mami pulled Abhi aside this afternoon and told him about your Dad. Your Mom told her. Abhi was upset and wanted to come see you, but she said to give you time that you needed to tell him yourself." Nandini's sweet voice made my chest warm . This wasn't something I was familiar with anymore. The coldness had been there for so long now.
She had her long hair tucked behind her ears, and she was staring at the house like I had been. There was a peace that came with her presence. I didn't understand it because she carried so much heaviness. But for me, she brought peace.
"Hospice came today. It feels like the end," I told her.
She tilted her head back and looked at me. At 6'2 I towered over her 5'4 frame. "The end hurts," she said simply.
She wasn't sugarcoating it. She wasn't telling me I had to be strong. She was just being honest. She knew that words meant nothing right now. I reached over and covered her small hand with mine.
"It hurts like hell."
She let me hold her hand as we stood there silently. This was what I needed today. Having her beside me, knowing she understood.
"Thanks. For talking to me," I whispered, as if someone would hear me. 
She turned her hand in mine and squeezed, "I'm here whenever you need to talk."
"You didn't talk to me today at college."
"You didn't need me then."
"I did. You just didn't realize how much."
The front door of the house opened, and Nandini quickly moved her hand from mine. 
Abhi stood there staring. At first I expected him to yell at me for being out here with Nandini. But then I saw it wasn't anger in his eyes. It was sadness. He was sad for me. Then there was the sympathy I didn't want.
"He loves you. He's going to feel bad for you. Let him," Nandini whispered so quietly, I doubted Abhi could tell she had said anything from where he stood.
Let him.
She said I should let him feel sorry for me. Because he loved me. I could do that. I had to. There was no way to keep it from happening. Knowing there was one person who understood my pain in a way no one ever could was enough.
"Stay with me," I asked her, not taking my eyes off her.
"Hmm," she replied softly.
Abhi walked towards us. Nandini stayed by my side. He glanced over at her for only a second. He was focused on me. He wouldn't know what to say to me. I knew that, because if the situations were reversed, I wouldn't know what to say to him either.
"You okay?" he asked, watching me cautiously. Like I would break any moment. Didn't he get that I'd been dealing with this from a long time now?
"Yeah," I replied, which was a lie, but I wasn't going to make him feel any worse.
He let out a heavy sigh and ran his hand through his hair as he stared off across the street. He was thinking. He wanted me to tell him. I knew that. But what was he going to do once I did that? Tell me he was sorry? That he was here for me if I needed him? Didn't he know how pointless these words were? He couldn't do anything for me. He couldn't make this better.
"He's been sick for about 6 months now," I finally said, knowing it was the right thing to do. "These past 3 months he's gotten really bad. Doctors sent him home because there's nothing else that can be done."
Abhi closed his eyes tightly and inhaled sharply through his nose. I waited for him to speak. I wasn't sure I could tell him anything more. I didn't want to talk about it.
When he opened his eyes, he looked at me. "Why didn't you tell us... or me at least? This wasn't something you had to go through alone. We'd have been there for you."
I felt Nandini's fingers brush gently against my hand. She was silently trying to encourage me.
"I didn't want to accept it or talk about it. Initially, Dad told us not to share because he couldn't handle those pity stares and we had hope that maybe he'll get better with time. But as his condition worsened, and we realized that these are his last days, he told Sharma Uncle and then even told Mom and me, that we could share if we want to. It's not something that could be hid anymore. But I didn't. Telling you all would make it real. I needed to keep going like it wasn't real. But now, I just can't keep doing that. Things aren't good now, it's bad," I explained.
He needed to understand why I left him in the dark about something so major in my life. He'd been my best friend since forever. I knew he didn't understand this and my not telling him. But it was how I needed to cope. "What can I do?" Abhi asked, looking pained.
Before there wasn't anything that he could do. But now he was standing in between something, or someone I needed. Someone who could help me.
"Let me be friends with Nandini. Just friends. She's helped me in ways no one could."
I glanced over at her and saw her eyes had gone wide. She hadn't expected that. It made her gorgeous face cute. For the first time in a long time, I felt like laughing.
"You want to be friends with Nandini?" Abhi asked, sounding confused. "I don't understand."
He wouldn't. But she didn't talk to him. He didn't know how the sound of her voice could soothe an ache. He didn't know having someone to talk to who understood the pain I was going through was exactly what I needed. I didn't need to talk to him or any of the guys. They didn't get it. Only Nandini did.
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