Shattered hearts

                                    

                                          
27th April 2023
It had been a long few weeks. Nothing was as it had been before. No gentle words, no tender touches, no laughter and not even a hint of bickering. A sense of anguish lingered through each room of the house, laced between the materials of the wall and entwined with the surrounding molecules of heavy air. The atmosphere being a tremendous dead weight that hindered every waking and unconscious second of their day to day life.
Ava had become only a shell of the person she once was. A person filled to the brim with relentless internal battles. She wouldn't eat, wouldn't drink, barely spoke and wouldn't leave the house. She opted to spend the most of her bleary days tucked beneath the bedsheets, mostly silent until the burden of her demons would drag her to a solemn state of unconsciousness but even then, the nothingness would only last so long before the black void would be replaced with harrowing recollections of those few days, waking her back up with a start; a choked yelp, a moment of unclarity and her lung's hyperventilating erratically.
Joel was trying. Trying to stay together, trying to comfort her and trying to carry on as normally as his body would allow for the sake of his own mental well-being. He couldn't let himself drown, not like before, not when it's not just himself that he has to consider this time around. Maria's words acting as a permanent reminder, a constant thought chanted over and over to ground him: She's gonna need you.
It had been excruciating. He didn't know what to say or do to make her days more comfortable. She'd spend most of her time in bed with her eyes closed. He wasn't sure if she was actually sleeping or if she was just trying to block the rest of the world out. He wanted to know...wanted to understand each and every thought that crossed her mind but there was nothing. She wouldn't talk with him.
The nights where they would fall asleep with her body flush with his, her head on his bicep and his arm protectively clutched across her chest - those nights were over. They still shared the same bed but the blonde would seem to put as much distance between them as possible, choosing to sleep with her back to him, huddled onto the furthest part of the mattress whilst hugging herself with her own arms. Night terrors had also become a frequent occurrence. She'd wake up in hysterics, hyperventilating. Her body gasping for air through the fear that was constricting her lungs.
He wanted to wrap his arms around her and hold her close. He wanted to feel her relax under his protective touch. He wanted to run his fingers through her hair until she eventually drifted back off to sleep. But he couldn't. If he so much as moved a hand towards her, she'd flinch and scramble further away from him. His bed had never felt so cold and empty...
He could feel his heart breaking. This wasn't his Ava. His Ava would be there in his hold, her nose nuzzled in and fanning a rhythmic warm breath against the bicep threaded beneath her neck, the flesh of her ass purposefully pressed into his crotch whilst she would play innocent to the deliberate but subtle wiggle of her hips. His Ava would greet him at the door after a long day with an eager kiss and warm embrace. His Ava would dance and sing barefoot around the kitchen carefree wearing nothing but his tee submerging her frame as popular 80's and 90's music blasted from the stereo on a Saturday morning. He knew she was still in there somewhere deep down but how to bring her back to him was something he struggled to fathom. 
He gazed over to the back of her deflated body, his eyes tracing over the ridges of her spine that were still dressed in his shirt. He could hear her soft whimpered cries that he was unable able to soothe. She'd lost her child, her dignity and her sense of safety. She'd lost so much in so little time. Did she blame him as much as he was blaming himself? Is that why she was shutting him out?
He let out a small sigh and rolled onto his back. He shut his eyes in order to find his way to the land of sleep. The only place he could go to escape the haunting guilt and pain he felt deep within. The only place he could go where he could dream of the life he should have had. The one with his Ava and their little one.
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