Chapter 21

                                    

                                          
"Esmeralda please" Kate said turning to me i knew what she wanted me to do but i didn't know if i could "Please Izzie" she said begging as she held my hand tightly and i sighed before walking out towards Anthony and Violet "Lord Bridgerton! Lord Bridgerton, I beg a word!" i called out "We must be going" he said as he stopped for a moment keeping his eyes to the floor "Please just a moment of your time" i replied "Mother, I shall meet you at the house" he said and Violet nodded i walked to the closest room that was there "You must know Edwina is innocent in all of this she had no idea coming to England, finding her a match Kate only wished the best for her you cannot be angry at her" 
"I am not it is clear she was as much in the dark as I was and as you were about Miss Sharma's schemes" 
"They were not schemes" 
"I take it there'll be no dowry now that the Sheffield have withdrawn their support" 
"You care about a dowry?" 
"It is because of what you just did that the Sheffield withdrew it"
"I wasn't the only one who spoke up" 
"It is regrettable, to be sure but clearly, both Miss Edwina and I have been misled and it is best to call off this doomed engagement before it is the cause of any more strife of course, I'd never besmirch her reputation my mother, and Lady Danbury will make a plan-" 
"There shall be no plan I do not understand why you are suggesting this? All along you have been set on marrying Edwina despite mine and Kate's every objection might I add and now you intend to cast her aside. Why? And do not talk to me of dowries, Anthony for we both know you do not need them but if you want it i will pay for her dowry more than what the Sheffield has offered but you have to tell me what has she done?"
"She has done nothing. It is you... You have made this match impossible" 
"But I am leaving for Iachester." 
"And it is not far enough! Do you think that there is a corner of this Earth that you could travel too far away enough to free me from this torment?...I am a gentleman my father raised me to act with honor as you know but that honor is hanging by a thread that grows more precarious with every moment I spend in your presence. You are the bane of my existence... and the object of all my desires. Night and day, I dream of you. And what I-" Anthony proclaimed as he stepped closer to me this time i didn't move i stood there finally listening to my heart and my body as it was engulfed in heat.
"Do you even know all the ways a lady can be seduced? The things I could teach you" 
"I... I did not ask for this to be plagued by these feelings that i thought were long gone, hiding them from everyone they're being driven to distraction every time you enter the room" i replied as he brushed a piece of my hair back leaving his hand on the back of my head...so close...so close. "Then you agree it is insupportable" 
"Impossible" i replied as our lips brushed against each other and our heartbeats thumped in unison sighing deeply i moved my face closer to him so our lips could touch but he backed away shaking his head "You and Edwina Sharma have become close almost sister and i know she would want you to visit her every chance you get if I wed Edwina Sharma it will bind me and you together for eternity and I will spend every day of my marriage wanting you, dreaming of you, dreading the day when my last thread of honor finally snaps. Is that the future that you want for us? For her?" he said and all i could do was exhaled trying to come up with something but couldn't soon we heard people talking "I must go" he said before i could say anything else he was gone. 
Sighing i walked up to the room i was using for the time i was here and laid there before the door opened i thought i might be Lady Danbury but it was not it was Julie "i won't do anything i can see you wanted to cuddle just for the night" she said and i nodded moving over and letting her lay with me. As she fell asleep i couldn't and soon the morning sunlight took over the night sky, sighing i got dressed and headed to the stable, "You missed me?" i said handing Lannie an apple and hopping on her taking the trail i took when i first got here.
I rode and rode and rode before i thought it would be best to take a spot and rest i shouldn't have because another person came and stopped next to me with their horse looking up it was Anthony stepping off my horse he got off his
"Lady Blackwood i see you continue here with your morning rides." he greeted me "As do you, it seems the only reason i am here is because i stayed at Lady Danbury's" i said and he nodded staring at me "I couldn't sleep" he admitted quietly "Nor could I...have you decided what you will do?" 
"Long have I wrestled with it but I see no other option I will talk with Miss Edwina today...and see my way to ending things It is the only way to ensure that the two of us can be rid of this impossible situation once the engagement is over our paths need never cross again It will be as if we had never met" 
"You cannot. You cannot shut me out we've known each other our whole lives Anthony before the Sharma's and we will know each other after the Sharmas Anthony i just got you back from a lifetime of sorrow i can't let you go now"
"Esmeralda-" he said trailing off "Anthony please" i said walking up to him and wrapping my arms around him it was as if nothing changed as soon as i wrapped my arms around him he wrapped his around me pulling me tighter "If you do not wish to see me any more i will go but you cannot break my Edwina's heart she is all things good and true a kinder soul you will never find she has loved me as well as any sister could and I could not live with myself if I robbed her of her happiness and the future she deserves" i said letting him go and taking a step back.
"I... I do not understand you have been against this union from the start" 
"I was wrong! okay is that what you want from me Anthony I was wrong and I will not be the cause of you losing your honor any more than I can stand to see Edwina in pain you once saw her as your perfect match you will find your way to believing it again. Please. Please, Anthony. You must keep your word you must marry her you must marry her as soon as you can because this feeling that plagues us so it will pass and i had once before It will become tenable, it will become bearable, and soon enough it will be as if we never felt it at all. Mere passion It must be because it has to"
"Very well I shall see that the wedding shall take place as soon as possible" he replied with a deep sigh. He bid me a goodbye and left on his horse as i watched him go i whipped to tears that fell out of my eyes trying to stop them and trying to hold in the sob that threatened to spill it burned my throat as though someone pushed a lite candle down it. "it is what's for the best" i said to myself still whipping away the tears "it will pass" i said again before getting on Lannie and taking off back to Lady Danbury's 
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"Duty. More than laws or faith, I have often thought it be the bond that holds our fragile society together. Duty to rank and title. Fidelity to one's family name demands both utter obedience and total sacrifice. But what happens when such duty conflicts with the heart's true desire? Why, then, there is the potential for a considerable scandal, indeed the only question is, will the parties in question heed my warning? Or is it already too late to turn back to duty and away from desire?"