19| progress

                                    

                                          
•Aria Marino•
          Physical touch is a weird concept. The fact that us humans can be touch deprived, there are people who genuinely like it and miss it a lot if the time. And then there are people who dislike it.  People who would rather wave than hug. Whether that be just a personal preference or for completely different reasons, they just don't like it.
          I am one of those people. I hug Laura every once in a while but I don't like it when anyone else touches me. People think I am simply sensitive but it is just that I prefer not to be touched. 
         I first noticed it one day a few years ago when I was with my mother in the car. She had forced me to go shopping with her and on the way back home, she tried squeezing my cheeks. I flinched away, not just because I thought she would smack me, but also because when she did touch me, I just felt uncomfortable. I didn't like feeling anyone's hands on me.
         After that, I didn't let most people touch me, or initiate touch with anyone. 
         But now Matteo is here and he has one arm wrapped around me with the other hand being down and intertwined with mine. I'm not particularly excited about it, but I feel safe and oddly comfortable. 
          I'm not usually this much of a wimp when it comes to my nightmares, at least I don't think, but when I woke up not recognizing the room, in the dark and someone touching my hand I freaked. But now he's here and I know where I am and I'm okay. 
          It was around one or two in the morning when that happened and I was able to go back to sleep for another three hours. Since then, I have been looking out of the window. One wall of the room is just pure windows, looking out to some buildings but also a beautiful garden. Where I can see the sunrise perfectly. Matteo's body was kind of in the way but about half an hour ago he moved around in his sleep and is now on his back, he also pulled my body to where I was partially on top of him so I still have a good view.
          It's a beautiful sunrise. That's another thing I love about Italy, how beautiful everything is. 
          I feel Matteo try to move a bit, eventually relaxing again, and then sighing. His hand which was around me goes up as I hear him rubbing his face with it, and then he rests it on my head, flattening out my hair. I look up to see him already looking at me. 
          "Buongiorno, melodia." He says, his voice raspy. He kisses the top of my head and sighs once more, letting his head fall back on the pillow.
          "Buongiorno, carino." I say, my head still resting on his upper chest.
          He continues to stroke my head as we lay there peacefully. Then he asks, "How long have you been awake?" 
          I smile up at him and pull myself up to be able to kiss his cheek. I still feel nervous around him. As if one thing I might do will be crossing a boundary with him and he will not want to continue whatever it is we are doing. I like him, but I'm scared to. 
         I have only ever had one committed relationship and that did not end well. So now that I want to give it another try, I want it to be with a sweet guy who knows what he wants and is genuinely a good person. Plus, it has been years since then. Why not give something another chance? I know it will take a while, and I will get scared but I am going to have to work though it somehow.
          "Just enough time to watch the sunrise. I love watching the sunrise and sunset. It's all very pretty." I replied and he hummed. 
          "Yes, melodia. It is beautiful." he replied. He squeezed my waist, pulling my body into his even more. I relaxed into him, I could even hear his heart beating. It was beating fast. 
          "You should go home and change into something more comfortable." I suggested, realizing that he was still in dress pants and a button up shirt.
          He lets out a huff of air. "I don't want to get up yet." he groans, making me chuckle. After another while of lazily laying in bed, he sighed and stood up. "Go back to sleep. I will be back soon, okay?" he asked. 
         I nodded before he pressed a kiss to my forehead and walked out. I sighed and decided that I wanted to explore my hospital room. I stood and made my way to the door that seemed like it had a bathroom sign on it. 
          It is the fanciest bathroom I have ever seen. I honestly get scared of going to the bathroom in places that aren't my house because my very first thought when I walk in is to look for a camera. Then I remember that not everyone is a fucking monster and I just use the restroom like a normal human being. 
          After using the restroom and washing my hands, I got very nauseous so I sat in front of the toilet. I do not even know where my phone is so I have no clue how long I have been sitting here before I hear the door to the room open. I hear Laura's footsteps and before she can shout out for me, I reach over and open the door. 
         But just before she can reach in, I feel something coming up my throat and slam it shut. I begin to throw up into the toilet and she opens the door once more. "Okay yeah that's disgusting." she says before closing it again.
           No shit that's why I closed it in the first place.
          "Where is she?" I hear Matteo's voice a few seconds later. 
          "She's in there throwing up." Laura says.
          "What?" Matteo says loudly and frantically. Not even a second later, he bursts through the door. I stopped throwing up and just sat there on the floor, trying to breathe while trying to spit out the disgusting things in my mouth.
          I quickly shut the toilet seat and flushed it because that is absolutely disgusting and I don't want Matteo seeing that. I wanted to cry. I felt so embarrassed. This is the first person I have genuinely liked in years, and I get sick so he takes me to the hospital, and then I throw up in front of him? God it's like the universe just wants everyone to be repulsed by me.
           "Go, Matteo. You don't have to be here." I snap at him, then turn to the sink. I look so pale, my under eyes make me look exhausted, and I look like I just ran a marathon. "God that's disgusting." I mumble to myself before turning on the sink. 
         Before I can go to wash out my mouth, I feel him grab my hand and pull me towards him, spinning me around in the process. "I already told you melodia, you need someone here with you. I don't give a fuck how disgusting you think it is, I will be here to hold you hair back, I will be here to help you clean yourself up, and whatever else you need. I will be here until you don't need me anymore. And until then, I am not going anywhere. Understand?" I look up at him in shock and nod softly. 
          Like always, he seemed in charge and stoic, but also caring. Somehow managing to be all at the same time. He reached down to one of the cabinets and pulled out a new toothbrush as well as toothpaste, handing them to me. I mumbled a small thank you and then brushed my teeth and he stood there with me, redoing my braids that he had done last night. 
          Just as I looked in the mirror, I noticed what he had changed into. A black shirt and gray sweatpants. 
          He's so cute.
          "Let's go back out, melodia. I had my kitchen staff make you breakfast." He says as if it's the most casual thing in the world. I just nodded in agreement and we walked out of the restroom. 
         Laura was nowhere to be found but I could hear her voice coming from the hallway. "Yeah I don't know much about that. You should teach me someday." I heard her say and then a nervous giggle.
          "Yes, maybe I should." I heard a different voice.
          I decided to just ignore it and went back to laying down. Matteo sat down on the couch bed, facing me. He grabbed a plate off the table next to him and placed it between us. I sat up more but he instructed me to lay back down, and oddly enough, he began feeding me as well as eating some himself. 
          After we were done eating, the doctor came back in to check on me. He said I still have a fever which is pretty high, and with the throwing up, he wanted to give me more medicine. "Now, it might make you a little, how do I say, 'loopy'" he explained, which made me want to laugh. "So if you want to just go back to sleep after this, it will be fine." I nodded.
         He gave me the medicine and after a while, I couldn't go to sleep. The sky and garden outside were pretty and Laura brought our cat from the apartment, so I couldn't go to sleep. She said she called our mom and that she was fine because she was visiting family today.
          "How do you feel, melodia?" Matteo asked me. I looked over and smiled.
          "I'm okay. Just thinking." I said. I started to feel a little off but just ignored it and laid down as I had sat up so the cat could sleep on my lap. Dr. Moretti was right, I was starting to feel a bit loopy.
         He chuckled and leaned closer to me, his hand going to my cheek. "Thinking? About what?" he asks.
          I looked up at him and smiled. I felt like I was about to pass out, my thoughts were fuzzy, and I wanted to sleep. But he was there, looking at me with a smile, looking so intimidatingly cute, and I wanted to answer his questions. I'll sleep when I'm done talking, I thought to myself. 
          "When I was little, I used to think about the future a lot..." I began to ramble, not really knowing where I was going with it. "... And so I would think about where I wanted to live and who I wanted to be with and what I wanted my life to look like. But now it's the future and I don't have any of it so it doesn't matter anymore." I play with my braids as he looks at me curiously.
          "And what did the future used to look like for you?" 
          I smiled as he kept asking me questions. He wants to get to know me. I chuckled as I thought back to when I was little and what I wanted for myself. "I wanted to live here in Italy. I would have a big house with big property so I could have a horse. I always wanted a horse. And then I wanted to be with someone nice and caring who actually loved me. And then I wanted a cat and a dog, inside pets. I wanted my own greenhouse so I could grow my favorite flowers year round, because they're usually just a season thing.." he interrupts me to ask me another question.
         "What are your favorite flowers, melodia?"
         "Tulips. I would have the greenhouse for anything, really, even fruits. But mostly the flowers." I replied.
         He smiled softly at me, his dimples making an appearance on his cheeks. "Oh yeah? What else?"
         "I would have my own space where I could see the sunrise and sunset. And I would have a pretty kitchen where I could bake and cook whenever and whatever I wanted. I would have a few kids, that I would love and take care of, like when Laura was growing up and I would always take care of her. No one else would want to take care of us so I did it for her, so I'm going to do it for my kids too. And of course I would have to be married for that, and I would love my husband no matter what. But he has to be a good guy, of course." I rambled on and on about what I wanted my life to be like by now, or in the future. But I wanted to cry. Knowing that with everything that has happened to me, the likelihood of all that happening for me was low.
          He looked at me concerned but still smiled at me. "Do you still want all that, melodia?" 
          I nodded profusely. "Yes. But I know I can't have it. I'm too broken for it. And I already have a stupid job I really hate. I probably can't have it but it's okay now. I have myself and my sister. I'll be okay." I said and he shook his head.
          "It is not too late for that. I will make sure you have all of it one day. I promise." He says. Maybe my brain is too fuzzy now. Maybe I'm hallucinating. Maybe I'm actually dreaming. Maybe I already passed out. 
          "Promise?" I asked and stuck out my pinky finger. 
          "I promise." He says and wraps his pinky around mine before kissing my forehead. 
           "Can I sleep now?" I asked and he nodded, going around to the other bed. I relaxed against the comfortable hospital bed before he held my hand in his. I'm so tired.
•••••
im so ready to break ppl's hearts with this one 🫶 not gonna be sorry abt it either.
~elle 🌸