~263~

                                    

                                          
I realise now that I can't be there for them in the same way
yesterday
she told me she's gone on meds and they don't seem to be helping
but he asked me to accompany him to IKEA some time this week to get stuff for his new apartment
I haven't asked him
but I don't he is grieving the same way she is
and even though he's family
I can't help but pick her side every time
it doesn't take a genius to realise that it is merely because I don't want to lose her
because I don't know if I will be persistent enough to not let her slip out of my hands
and because he is someone I've always had
he's always been there
he's family
he is someone I will forgive anything and keep seeing and keep loving
she is not
she is someone I will have to work my ass off to keep
she is someone I can lose if I forget to call her for long enough
and I am horrible at keeping people
I lose all the time
even in yearning
even in love
I lose
I don't even mean to
I guess I am just scared
I am too used to how things used to be
and this time around
I am not okay with the thought of losing her
I was the first time
but not now
not when I have grown to love her like I love my own
and I love him too you know
I love him a lot
I love him perhaps the most out of dad's side because he has always been someone who doesn't ask of me what I am not
but there is disappointment there
and confusion
but also a lot of sympathy
I know what it is like to carry this surname