CHAPTER 42 - CONSUMING THOUGHTS.

                                    

                                          

I wake up to my head throbbing. 
Last night came back to my mind as I grunt and roll back over. 
I hear someone chuckle behind me and it takes so much effort for me to sit up and turn at where the voice comes from.
Dad is standing at the end of my bed with a bottle of water and some pills in his hand. 
I groan in annoyance when he starts speaking. 
"You shouldn't be getting drunk at your age, young lady." He jokingly tells me as he comes over to me and sits next to me on the bed. 
"Is mom mad?" I whisper to him. My head moves to lean into his shoulder to block out the light. 
"Oh, well. No, no she isn't mad."
"She is so mad...god you're an awful liar dad." I mutter as I sit up and take the pills and water bottle from his hands. 
I don't say anything more as I get up and move to my suitcase finding some new clothes and making my way into the bathroom.
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Mom and I have barely said a word to one another since we got on the plane...Most of it has been small talk. She doesn't look mad. But she does look tired. 
I'm even sitting right next to her and she has headphones on while she stares out the window. Colin is opposite us with Rose, Rose is fast asleep while Colin is reading a book and I'm just sitting here in silence. Mom has my phone still and we aren't allowed our iPads, mom clearly trying to prove a point after our argument. 
I just want to know what mom is thinking and feeling. I know I was in the wrong, I shouldn't have drank or even smoked but I did and there is nothing we can do to take that back. 
It isn't even like I can be punished anymore than I already am. I have no phone, when we get home I'm meant to be in my room with no wi-fi or even tv? Like what more can mom do? 
Maybe that's what fuels me even more, the fact that I do get away with a lot of things because of what happened to me. I get away with shouting, swearing, doing things I'm not meant to be doing but is that even a good thing? 
Is letting me get away with all of this stuff actually helping me or making me worse? 
Well I know it makes me do things even more because I know I won't be punished for them, well except from 2 days ago but not the point. 
And I know I need to stop, I know that but it just happens? 
Ugh all of this is just so annoying, I need a break. Which is crazy because I am basically taking a break. I don't go to school, I don't go out. I just follow mom around wherever she goes. How isn't that a break?
Just so many questions.
Our flight was at 7pm London time, we will be getting into New York at 10pm which really messes with my head as the flight is 8 HOURS LONG! Like, a whole 8 hours has passed but when I look at the time it will only be 3 hours? Confusing. The whole reason why I'm making myself stay awake. If I don't sleep then when we get home I can go to bed straight away and hope to wake up at a normal time. The same can't be said for everyone else. 
Mom and dad are now both asleep along with Rose. And I'm left again alone by myself with my own thoughts. 
I still can't stop thinking about the thoughts that were racing through my head last night when I was drunk either. 
The thought of free falling from so high up...I don't know. It won't stop going through my head. 
It isn't that I want to die. Maybe it's the thought of not knowing the outcome.