8. diet coke

                                    

                                          
TW // vomiting. body issues
1:21 PM
We're halfway towards the movie. I don't even like it. SCREAM 6 isn't scary, it's obvious. They're so bad at putting on a mask.
"I'm gonna change my clothes, I'll be right back." I ran upstairs to my room and went into my closet. What do I even wear?
This baby blue sweatshirt? Too light. This pink shirt? Too girly. This big black sweater makes me look fat. 
I took my shirt off and looked at the mirror. I looked so skinny. I needed to eat more. I grabbed the big black sweater and put it on me. Now I look too fat. I took it back off and put on a tight white shirt. It's highlighting my abs, but I don't even have them, so basically, it's just showing my skinny belly. 
I hate all my clothes.
I need to workout at the gym. I put on a black hoodie. Finally, something that looks a bit better than bad. I don't know why I've gotten so skinny this summer.  
I never had body image issues. Not in a long time, at least. I always thought I could look presentable, but I guess something in me flipped like a switch.
Rule 20: Don't listen to what anybody says about your body.
But, I think we can all establish.
I'm a rulebreaker.
2:34 PM
"Ricky! You're back!" EJ smiled.
"Hi guys," I went to the kitchen to grab some diet coke. EJ and I are falling out hard. 
"What took you so long?" he asked. I popped open the diet coke and chugged the entire thing down. "Ricky, why are you chugging the whole thing down?"
"We should go to McDonalds, get some burgers, you know?" I needed more weight, I'm too skinny.
"I can't, I'm on a diet." Of course, Gina Porter and EJ Caswell are on a diet. They both are sexy. They look presentable. 
"Ok, fine, I'm ordering pizza for myself, do you guys want chipotle?" Chipotle is a bit healthy. It is healthy. They should be fine.
"Sure," I went and ordered Chipotle and Dominoes. Chipotle for them—dominoes for me. 
While Gina was talking about how great of a boyfriend EJ was, I was more focused on my body. Why was it so out of proportion? Why is my face so unsymmetrical? Why are my abs practically invisible? My muscles aren't even there, like my biceps aren't as big as EJ's or Thiago's. I just feel...
ugly. 
"...and you are just the best boyfriend in the world! I'm so glad to have you." Gina giggled and kissed EJ. Fuck my life. 
"Wow, you guys must be really happy together," I sighed. I want love like that.
"You'll find someone someday, Ricky! It takes time!" I've only had one boyfriend in my life. He and I are on good terms now, but we broke up because I moved to Salt Lake City. 
We're still best friends
I just wish it was different. 
"Mhm," I was looking back at my belly. Why the fuck am I so slim? 
Ring.
I went outside to pick-up the Dominoes and the Chipotle. I gave Gina and EJ their burrito bowls that are so healthy, I can't even comprehend. I grabbed a slice of pizza and started eating the entire pizza. The whole thing. In one go.