Chapter thirty-one

                                    

                                          
𝓐frer Ramona and I discussed the plan and she left, I laid in bed, looking at the ceiling and thinking. Usually, whenever I had time to just think, it was never good. 
"I'm so worthless," I thought and my eyes watered.
"I can't believe that I put myself in here because of Cedric goddamn Diggory. Maybe I am an attention whore." I thought, the tears threatening to spill from my eyes. 
I wanted people to notice me. No matter how much I didn't want to admit it, I wanted people to know the pain that I was going through and how much it was affecting me. But the thing was, I was so used to people just not caring, that I didn't know how to ask for a shoulder to cry on. 
I sat up against the headboard of the hospital wing and just let it all out; just straight ugly sobs coming right out of me. It was bad. My heart was racing and I was feeling my mind go blank. I could feel tingles running back and forth up my arms in way that made my arms itch. My breaths became incredibly uneven as I was fading away. 
I was gripping the bed so hard that my knuckles turned white as I attempted to latch onto reality. 
"You're nothing. You're absolutely useless. Everyone leaves you and why wouldn't they? You've never been good enough for anyone." said the voice in my head. 
"No," I muttered, pretty much sobbing hysterically. "No, no, no."
I grabbed the orchids that Beau had left me and hugged them to my chest. It was a good thing that Madam Pomfrey had left to talk to Dumbledore because if she hadn't, she definitely would have me sent to St. Mungo's or something. 
I then heard someone yelling my name, but I couldn't make out the voice or the face. I was so far gone at that moment that I couldn't even think straight. I couldn't get myself to breathe correctly, and it felt as if I was having a complete meltdown.
I was breathing so heavily that I could feel my ears buzzing and there was a pain in my heart that made it feel like I was having a heart attack. That thought only made me panic more and the sobs grew louder and louder. 
I felt someone shake me, asking me if I was okay, again and again, and again. I just clutched the flowers, not able to open my mouth. I squeezed my eyes shut, longing for the feeling of helplessness to completely go away. Soon enough, my breathing began to slowly come back and my hearing began to tune into the real world. 
I opened my eyes and looked straight into Hermione's, who looked absolutely terrified. Hermione was crying; I could tell by her tear-stained cheeks and her red eyes. Ginny and Jenna stood next to her, looking equally as worried. 
"Violet?" asked Hermione. 
I cleared my throat and attempted to say something but my breath got caught in my throat. The tears were still coming and I could feel my eyes begin to sting because of how dry they were. 
"Violet?" She asked again. 
"Mione." Was all that I could choke out, in the most broken voice that could've ever come out of my mouth. 
That was probably one of the worst anxiety antitrust I'd ever had at that point and I could still feel the pressure on my chest. It hurt like a mother fucker, and everything other than that felt completely numb. 
"Violet—are you okay?" asked Hermione. "Oh my gosh."
Ginny looked genuinely confused and scared and Jenna looked as if she wanted to say something, but for some reason, she didn't.
"You're crying," I pointed out, lifting my hand to wipe a tear that was falling down her cheek. 
"Vi, this isn't about me!" said Hermione. "You scared me. You scared me. I—I thought—" she stopped, as she turned away to let out a quiet sob.