9.

                                    

                                          
TW—flashback, panic attack 
(Song: Prowler Theme~ Spiderverse movie)
Sorry that I'm using that soundtrack but it fits soo damn well haha 
His breath was shallow an his hands shivered violently. 
No—
No... that could not be real! 
That mustn't be real!
It was a dream... IT WAS A GODDAMN DREAM! 
WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP!WAKE UP!WAKEUPWAKEPUWAKEUPAKEUPWAKEUPWAKEUPWAKEUP!
Rafe stumbled backwards, hands protectively held in front of his chest, signaling the person opposite of him to back away. He needed space. He had to get away. He had to hold onto his grip on reality. 
But who was that person in front of him? And where was he? And dad... where was dad? 
You are a nuisance Rafe... 
You'll never be good enough!
You are not my son!
Rafe whimpered softly, his knees bucking underneath him until he violently stumbled to the ground. Again. The harsh impact startled him even more, until he protectively wrapped his arms around his legs and looked down onto the floor. 
Dirty... 
"Rafe..."
Rafe!
He closed his eyes tightly to erase the picture in front of him. To erase his memory... it was just dirt. 
Who was that person if not his dad?
Logically he knew how ridiculous his behavior was but he couldn't quite grasp reality.
His mid slipped further.
He had forgotten to clean today. He had had such a wonderful day. But dad noticed. He always did. Having a private life was bad, he once had told Rafe. He had once again found out. Stupid Rafe...
Tears ran down his cheeks, burning hot and setting him aflame in the agony of his memories.
His scalp began to hurt.
Weird... he didn't even know how— nor did he understand the blood underneath his cuticles. 
That's it! You deserve the goddamn pain!
You are a mistake! I should  have made your mother abort you!
Rafe... 
Rafe...
Someone screamed in the distance. It was a raw and hurtful sound, simply reflecting his agony perfectly.
His throat hurt. Oh... did he scream? 
He did not know. 
All he knew was how those eyes stared down at him—they watched him intensely, judged him. Hated him! 
Gosh they hated him so so much.
Why don't you love me, dad?
Incoherent mumbles came out of his mouth, pleas, whispers. 
He begged fo mercy. Begged for forgiveness once again.
The person in front of him knelt down. Their hand trying to tear away his hands on his scalp, but Rafe crumbled down even harder, his head was now stuck between his knees while awful sobs escaped his raw throat. 
Those hands were gonna hurt him! 
Those hands will hate him, hit him...
Push him down! 
The person opened their mouth but Rafe began to scream. Hearing those awful words would only hurt more, why not cover it up with loud screaming?
He was utterly proud of himself. Screaming did help indeed.. void void void. 
He buried his head deeper, drowning in the darkness. Silence..
But under his closed eyes he remembered and he vividly re-experienced the same old memory once again. And no screaming could ever stop his spiraling mind. 
The man came closer, his harsh eyes focused on him, his hand extracted before it hit his face. 
He was ten back then. 
He was ten now. 
"Why are you always such a disappointment?" Dad did not scream. But that was even scarier. Dad always screamed. Not-screaming meant he was deep into the shit. 
"You played with those bastards instead of cleaning?"
"They invited me to—", a hot pain flared up in his cheek again. 
"Don't you dare talk back!"  It was pure rage! Angry, awful dissapointmnt. 
That's all what was written on dads face. 
Dad was furios...
"I'm sorry..." the dirt under his feet almost invisible, but not to his dad's eyes. 
"Oh...youre sorry! Sorry!? You fucking will be, you little dipshit!! You don't follow my rules?Well, I'm not a perfect human either!" he shook his shoulders and pushed Rafe further, until he stood at the stairs. 
One step behind and he would fall... one step, one more push and he'd fall.
One more...
Rafe began to cry, shivering hands frantically grabbing hold of dads sweater, the stiff fabric crumbling under his touch. 
"Dad! Dad let me go! Please! I'll clean right away! I'll do everything!"
"Be a good son for me, will ya? My only son. Make me proud next time."
Rafe shivered while dad raised his arm and gently caressed his cheek. Rafe sighed, relived... maybe he was spared of the pain. Dad wasnt angry anymore, no... dad wouldn't...
"But you're too naïve, you gotta grow up, hm?" his touch suddenly felt like acid on his skin. 
And many things happened at the same time. 
Rafe opened his eyes widely. His dad let go and pushed him with his right hand pressed onto his chest. 
He tried to hold onto the fabric, it glid out of his grip and he fell... nothingsness.
His father smiled sweetly.
And Rafe fell.
Pain. A loud crack. A scream. Red liquid dripping onto the white floor. A laughter. Void. 
And Rafe opened his eyes.