16

                                    

                                          
L
This woman. Every little thing she does slays me. Even now, sitting on my bed with her in my arms as we watch some stupid movie, I don't know how I got so lucky.
I'm propped up against the cherrywood of the headboard with her tucked against my side. Her head is resting on my chest; one of her legs is draped over mine as I rub her back. We haven't said much. In fact, I haven't said anything since we left the bathroom. I climbed into bed and brought her with me.
There's no keeping out the thoughts of what happened earlier on the deck. I was too rough with her. I shouldn't have pulled her hair like I did or smacked her on the ass. She said it was fine, but was it? Yes, she's told me she'll be honest, but maybe she didn't want to hurt my feelings. I had to refrain from hurting her in the shower, and it took everything in me not to. I wanted to fuck her mouth so hard. The way her sweet lips wrapped around my dick was so damn good. When I pulled out, I didn't expect her to open her mouth. I'll never forget the sight of her on her knees before me as I let go on her tongue. All that holding back from pushing in too hard was worth it for the end result. My hand forms a fist with the shirt on her back. She tightens her hold on me.
"I'm not letting go," she says.
"I don't want you to." I take a deep breath and release it. "I'm not going to be easy to deal with. I'll try to push you away to save you from the pain. I don't want to suck you down into my world, Nini. It's a dark place."
She lifts her head. "I can bring the light with me."
"You're too good for me."
"No. It's the other way around. You don't see yourself like I do. You don't see how amazing you are. You have so much to offer the right person, Lisa. I'm only grateful I can be her for now." She rests her head back down on me.
"For always."
"You don't know that." She stays facing straight ahead. "We've only just begun dating. It's all new. Who knows what's going to happen down the road?"
"I've known you for ten years, Nini. Us being a couple might be new, but my feelings for you have never changed. It might have looked like I hated you in high school, but it couldn't have been further from the truth. I craved seeing you every day. I was full of raw energy until I did. I was a stupid kid who didn't want her friends to see her crushing hard on a girl. I let them lead me toward the popular girls. I was so fucking off course."
"I doubt they led you anywhere. It always seemed like you were the one they followed."
"I wanted to be liked. I wanted the attention. People noticed me; they wanted to be my friend. I was a different person in school than I was at home. Hell, I was different on the outside than I was on the inside. It's no excuse. If I could, I would turn back the clock and change everything. I would never have treated you like I did."
She sits up to face me. "I'm not going to sit here and pretend the words you said to me back then didn't hurt, or that your actions were easily brushed off. I doubted myself all through high school. The only thing I had was decent grades, and Nayeon, but we know what happened with her. Yes, you hurt me. Yes, it fucking sucked, but it was nothing compared to what you were going through." She leans forward and places her hand over my heart. "What I now know about you, God, you're amazing. Your heart is good, Lisa. You care about others, even if you won't admit it. You're this woman who had been dealt the shittiest card as a teenager, and now you're changing things. You're opening up to me and telling me how you feel. You're showing me there is this whole other side of you I never knew existed until that morning at your house."
"Am I changing, or do you just want to see the small amount of good in me? I fucking hurt you for years, Nini. As much as I care about you, I still fucking end up hurting you. Pain is pain, whether it's verbal or physical."