8

                                    

                                          
J
Well, this has been one craptastic day from start to finish. I'd love to blame Lisa and Nayeon, but it was my reaction to them that set the tone for the day. I still can't believe I saw Lisa with her, and that she demanded I talk to her. She's lost her ever-loving mind if she thinks I owe her anything after the way she's treated me.
Yes, I want her healthy and well. I would never wish her any ill will, but how dare she talk to me like I owe her an answer. I've tried speaking to her. Even Mino has told me to stay away. And I have. Then to see Lisa with a woman. Actually, the woman normally wouldn't have mattered. I've seen her parade around with women nonstop, but it wasn't any woman. It was the one I considered my closest friend through high school. The one who dropped me as soon as we graduated.
Let's not forget the interview I went on. It could have gone worse, but it could have gone a hell of a lot better. I tried putting my best smile on and being happy and upbeat for my interview; however, I couldn't get the image of Lisa with Nay out of my head. The whole time I was being talked to, my mind kept drifting. Somehow, and I'm not sure how, I answered questions and didn't fumble once. But it wasn't my best performance, not even close. Anything else I probably would have been able to push out of my mind, but it was Lisa. She has made this space in my head since high school, and she's never left.
Back then, it was how awful she was to me. How arrogant and pretentious she was. She rode my last nerve every day. If there was a way I could have been homeschooled, I would have been. My parents wouldn't bite. They said being in a public school was good for me, and I needed to socialize. I couldn't help it that I had minimal friends and liked being home better than out with others.
When my parents up and moved, and I ended up working for her mom, I'd see her often. New day, new flavor on her arm. But then I remember the look on her face as she pressed the gun to her head, and I saw someone so broken, so utterly tired of the pain. It changed how I saw her. It changed everything.
From that point on, there was no turning back for me. She doesn't feel the same. If she did, she wouldn't be freezing me out. Why can't I let this thing, whatever it is, go? I know she's been in my life for a long time, though most of it in a bad way. Is that why she won't leave my fucking head? I want her happy, healthy, and safe, but I have a feeling the longer I let her reside inside of me, the more likely I'll be hurt again. She's not only occupying space in my head but a part of my heart as well.
After my mediocre interview, I ran into Mino at the gas station. Truth be told, the more I get to know him, the more I like him. Strictly in a friendly way. He cares about Lisa. He also seems to care about me.
He asked me how I was doing, and I sarcastically told him how wonderful my day was going. Next thing I know, I'm bitching about Lisa and Nayeon and how awful it was seeing them together. Mino must have seen right through me. He must know I feel something for Lisa, even if I'm not sure what that is. Mino tried to tell me Lisa hasn't been seeing anyone since she went to stay with him. I laughed without feeling it and told him I didn't need him covering for Lisa. In fact, I had zero right to know anything about her. Then I finished pumping my gas and left. I had nothing more to say. Poor Mino got the brunt of my frustration. God, I bet he went back and told Lisa. Poor, pathetic, Jennie was at the gas station, going on and on about how she saw her ex-best friend with a woman she doesn't even talk to. Yup, I bet I came off really good in that story.
I throw my purse on the couch and go into my bedroom to change. I want out of this suit and into a pair of sweatpants and a comfy t-shirt. I have no one to impress. Just me, myself, and I, like always.
Once I grab a yogurt from the refrigerator, I throw myself down onto the couch and put on a show. I'm not really watching it. I'm trying to think of how I'm going to keep paying my bills. Or what will happen if I can't find a job. I don't want to move to Florida, which I will have to do if I don't find a job.