5

                                    

                                          
J
Every word she tells me, every single thing she says, gives me a glimpse of what she went through and makes my stomach turn. I still can't wrap my head around all she's suffered at the hands of someone who was supposed to care for her. No, Everett isn't her biological father, but he's in her life as a father figure. He lives with Lisa and her mother, and he abused Lisa for years. I wish I had the power to take away all her pain. To take away every awful memory she has and replace them with new ones.
Somehow, I manage to get Lisa back in bed, and we both drift off to sleep. When I wake, the room is bathed in darkness. Sitting up, I rub my eyes. Then I reach out to the other side of the bed and notice it's empty. Panic sets in. Where's Lisa? Did she leave? Has she tried to kill herself another way?
I throw the blankets off me and step into my tiny hallway. There is a sliver of light coming from under the bathroom door. I knock, but there's no answer. The shower is on. I can hear it through the door. My heart is beating rapidly at the uncertainty of what I might find on the other side. Slowly, I turn the doorknob and push the door open.
"Lisa?" No answer. "I'm coming in." She still doesn't answer.
Inside, the steam of the shower has fogged up the entire bathroom, including the mirror, in a thick haze. I take the few short steps to the shower. The curtain is closed, leaving me unable to see inside.
"Lisa? Are you okay?" No reply. "I'm opening the curtain."
My shaking fingers grip the cloth curtain and the plastic liner to slide it open. When I have it pulled back a little, I see her. Lisa is sitting on the floor of the bathtub with her knees pushed up to her chest, and her face is resting on them. Her arms are wrapped around her legs and she's gently rocking. The water is beating down on her head, arms, and shoulders, leaving her skin red from the temperature of it.
I change the water from scalding to warm, then crouch down beside the bathtub. I place my hand on her shoulder, the heat of her skin seeping into my own. She doesn't move; doesn't acknowledge my presence.
"Lisa, look at me. I need to know you're okay." The worry I have for this woman is immense. What if she found the acetaminophen I have and took it all?
Her head lifts and her bloodshot eyes find mine. "I'm not okay, Nini. I don't know if I'll ever be okay. Every time I close my eyes, I see him. He hasn't touched me in years, and I still can't chase the images away. I've tried not to let anyone see how bad I've been hurting for years now. I can't do it anymore. I can't pretend I'm all right."
I want to climb in the shower and pull her into my arms. I want to hold her and chase every one of those bad memories away. Not knowing how she'd react to me doing so, I stay on my side of the bathtub. "I'm sorry. I wish there were something I could do."
"There isn't." She stands abruptly. I don't give a second thought to the fact she's naked. I grab a towel and hand it to her. She doesn't look at me again. She dries off then brushes past me to pick up her clothes off the floor and go back to my bedroom. She's dressed in a matter of moments and walking barefoot toward my door.
"Where are you going?" I ask.
"I'm leaving. Mino is picking me up."
"What? Why?" I don't want her to leave. What if Mino won't stop her if she tries to harm herself again? What if he lets her buy another gun?
"I shouldn't have let you bring me here."
I can't keep the anger from my tone. "And what would you have had me do? Ignore you? Let you put a bullet in your head?"
She turns so she's fully facing me. Her hands are clenched in fists by her side. "Yes! That's exactly what you should have done! Don't you get it, Nini? I can't escape this fucking nightmare that is my life. No matter what I do, no matter how many women I fuck, or how much I drink, he's always there in the back of my head, reminding me I'm not good enough. Telling me how if I step out of line he'll be there to teach me a lesson."