020

                                    

                                          
Hongjoong 
Seonghwa wasn't okay and it was so hard for me to handle. I knew that his mom had hurt him and fucked him up so badly. I knew that. 
But...I didn't really know. 
Not in a real way, where I saw how it affected him first hand. 
How he couldn't even move from our spot in the middle of the road and he tightly held onto me like I was his lifeboat. 
I was so anxious that any minute a car would roll up and it would force us to have to move, which made me worried for his health. I had seen him in so many situations, just like he said. But I had never seen him so distressed like this before, where he looked like he was on the verge of passing out or throwing up. 
I wasn't sure how long we stayed there, just holding onto each other for dear life but I didn't move. Even as it started to hurt or I was getting tired from standing so long. 
It wasn't until his arms loosened a little that I started soothingly touching him again instead of holding him in the vice grip I had. I rubbed circles into his hips, and I could tell the reason why he was giving me some slack was because he was so drained. 
"Come on, angel. Let me take you home." I said and picked him up, letting him wrap his legs around my waist as he clutched onto me like koala. 
I carried him to the car and put him inside, quickly getting to the drivers side where he immediately latched back onto me. 

I had to let Hwayoung know in advance that Seonghwa wasn't doing very well and that she shouldn't expect much interaction from him once we got home. I didn't want her to be overly worried and ask too many questions that Seonghwa couldn't answer. 
Luckily when we got back to his apartment, she understood and kept her distance. I ran a bath for Seonghwa and told him to get undressed and get in, giving me enough time to fill Hwayoung in before I hid myself in the bathroom with him to help comfort him. 
"Is he okay?" She asked, looking uneasy. 
I shook my head, feeling grim. "Nothing too bad happened, nothing you need to worry about. He just had a big shock and needs some time to deal with it. I'd give him some space if that's okay?" 
She nodded, completely understanding from her own history of needing space. "Okay. Do you want me to make dinner?" 
"You can make something for yourself if you want, or order takeout. Don't worry about us. I don't think he's very hungry." I said. 
"Okay." She offered me a smile and moved to the kitchen island to grab her phone, no doubt to order some take out. 
I went to the bathroom, finding him curled up on the floor and not in the bath. 
I sighed, needing to add more warm water to it because it had gotten a bit cold while I was busy. I should've expected that he wasn't feeling good enough to do it himself. 
And I could see how upset that made him. 
He absolutely hated when he needed help like this. He didn't like feeling weak and I understood the sentiment. He was raised to not be a burden and now as an adult, needing so much help, it was crippling. 
I helped him get undressed and slip into the soapy warm water. 
"Join me." He pleaded, his voice breaking. 
I didn't hesitate to get undressed myself and join him in the bath. It had enough space for the both of us and then some but Seonghwa quickly ignored that fact and laid onto me, taking deep breaths like he was still trying to calm himself. The panic attack from earlier caused him so much distress that he was still recovering from it both mentally and physically. 
I ran my fingers through his scalp, getting his hair wet and working my fingers through it. After that I worked my hands downward and massaged his shoulders to try and relieve some of the tension he carried. 
"Thank you. For how much you have to take care of me." He whispered. 
"I'd never trade this for the world. You don't have to thank me for taking care of you, Hwa. I want to." I said. 
He pouted. I think he knew I was telling the truth. Especially since how we went through such a rough patch recently, and how I tried so hard to make sure we lasted. 
I wouldn't have done all of that if I was sick of him. 
"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked. 
"No. I don't want to think about that right now. I like being with you at the moment." He murmured, loosening up more. 
"How could you survive without me?" I meant it as a joke but I think he took it much more seriously. 
"Is this healthy? Are we?" He asked curiously. 
"I don't know." I answered honestly. "I've never had healthy and neither have you so we have nothing to compare it to. It's better than we were, and I think that's the closest we're going to get. Is just to be better than we were. Does that bother you?" 
"I like our relationship." He admitted. "It just worries me sometimes. And I know that sounds weird because of what we just went through. I just...I don't know." 
"We're working on getting better. That should be enough for now. We have too much shit we have to go through to worry about how perfect our relationship is in the eyes of others. I just want you to be content with us, even if happiness isn't achievable with the events taking place." 
"I am content with you. That's all I know. That's all I care about." He said. 
"Then that's good enough." I said. 
He nodded in agreement. 
We were good enough.