015

                                    

                                          
Hongjoong 
I was angry, because I didn't know what went wrong. I understood that he wanted to help out one of his students, and I thought he was fucking incredible for wanting to do that. It's just...fostering a kid isn't as easy as he's making it out to be. 
I mean, talking about that is important for me. Because I'm in a relationship with Seonghwa...or I was...I don't know. But...what was I supposed to be to her? She didn't know me like she knew Hwa, she wouldn't feel safe with me like she does him. I wouldn't just be able to come around or do things with him I was able to do before because now it would affect her. 
Then the thing that really got me frustrated was how he completely dismissed all of my worries and just told me to suck it up. I just wanted to have a conversation with him about it! 
At first I thought it was a stupid fight we had and after we cooled off, we could talk again but it was clear he meant it when he said he wanted to break up. Which...I didn't know what to do with that. 
I hadn't actually prepared myself for this, I didn't take it seriously. Maybe it was stupid to get into a relationship with him knowing I wasn't fully okay with myself, but I thought I would never be fully okay with myself, and that shouldn't stop me. Now though, it was making things hard. Because I had way too much trouble not just throwing myself back into work and drowning myself. 
How did normal people just go through breakups without spiraling into depression? Hell, I was already a depressed bastard, just heavily medicated and had a therapist. I decided I'd go to Yeosang to bitch. I still had a bad taste in my mouth at the thought of doing it with Yunho or Mingi. After what happened last year, I wanted to save them the heartache. 
It wasn't like I was going to pull Sang into it, I just needed some advice on how to cope properly. I thought about going to Jongho because he was a therapist, but I knew it wasn't fair. He was Seonghwa's therapist, I didn't need to steal him from Hwa who had so much going on at the moment. 
I smiled when I came into his apartment, he was lounging on the couch catching up with some drama. 
"Hey." I said, plopping on the couch next to him. 
"You okay?" He said. 
"Fine. Just thinking is all." I really wasn't okay but I didn't want to come off pathetic. "That's actually a lie. Seonghwa and I broke up." 
He smacked me. 
"OW! What?!" 
"Why the hell did you guys do that?! You guys finally got together after all this time!" He said, clearly annoyed. 
"It's not that easy, Yeosang! Plus I didn't think we would actually break up." I sighed. "I thought we just needed time to cool down but now he won't answer any of my calls."
He frowned. "Dammit Seonghwa! Fuck, he got so much better!" 
"It wasn't like I wasn't a dick-" I said, not sure why the blame immediately got thrown to Hwa. 
"That's not the problem. I don't care who's in the wrong. It's the fact that if he's upset he runs or blocks everyone off.  I mean, how does he ever expect a relationship to work out if he does this?" 
It did bother me that he was ignoring me. Because last time he did this, we didn't talk for a month. I didn't want to do that anymore. It wasn't practical. Especially if we wanted things to be serious, we couldn't just drop out of each other's lives for long periods of time while we forgave the other. 
Neither of us were healthy enough to survive that. Especially not with our abandonment issues.