IX. you were even younger

                                    

                                          
The vice around Natasha's heart was suddenly back, accompanied by the feeling of having it ripped out, squeezed, and twisted, all at the same time. She hid her face in her hands, feeling her throat tighten. Her breath got stuck like someone cut the oxygen off. She forgot how to breathe, choking on the dry, suffocating sobs. Natasha gasped for air and didn't even protest when she felt Melina's hand stroking her back in circular movements. Only when the first tears found their way to the surface, she inhaled loudly and whimpered, letting Vostokoff pull her closer. Earlier, nothing like this would ever happen. She had no interest in letting Melina so close. But now, she just didn't care. 
It was good information and one that from one's point of view didn't change much. Katya was already hers, she was for the past eight years. But somehow the knowledge that she was hers in every way there was, that it was her blood rushing through the girl's veins... That thought repeatedly pushed the air out of her lungs. 
It was almost ironic, that the same people, that she was convinced, took the ability to ever create life from Natasha, were also the ones that made it untrue. They made it possible. That one and only thing that was supposed to be impossible for every Widow. They gave it back to her, even if only once, even if without her knowledge, without a say in the matter. 
She had a child. Her own flesh and blood. 
But since they gave her what she was never supposed to have, they also took some things away. She didn't give birth to her, they used someone else, replaced her. And it was only a twist of fate maybe, that brought them back together. She doubted that it was ever supposed to happen. 
After all, what was the possibility of what happened between her and James? How many other people dared to see him as something more? How many tried to break through his conditioning and how many succeeded? Natasha knew she was the only one. What was the chance of them falling for each other and then her taking his child away, unaware that the girl was also piece of her? It was impossible. 
If Melina was right, if she was really like her mother, they must've known that she would never, ever, let them do anything from what they did to Katya for the first years of her life. That's why they kept it all so hidden, under so many wraps and probably destroyed everything there was about the child, aside from the copy Melina somehow saved. So Natasha would never find out the truth. Because they knew she would come for revenge. Sooner or later, she would've made them pay. 
And now she felt even more ashamed. They tortured and experimented on her child. Her daughter, her little girl, right under her nose. And she didn't do anything. 
She hadn't had time to think how exactly did they do that, must've put their hands on her reproductive cells during her 'graduation' and kept them. And Natasha's brain knew there was no way she could've known. But her heart, her heart screamed that she should've noticed earlier. 
After a while, she awkwardly moved away, letting Melina's hand fall to her side. Romanoff stood up, blinking fast and wiping the tears away as quickly as she could, suddenly embarrassed for the moment of weakness. 
"Why did you give her away?" Natasha asked before even thinking it through. 
"The same reason I gave you away." the older woman admitted. "I had to." 
"Why are you doing this?" Romanoff wondered, her voice still shaky. 
"Why does a mouse born in a cage run on that little wheel?" Melina questioned rhetorically. "Do you know I was cycled through the Red Room four times before you were even born? Those walls are all I know. I was never given a choice." 
"But you're not a mouse, Melina." Natasha cleared her throat. "You were just born in a cage, but that's not your fault. And choice is not always given. Sometimes we have to fight for it."
Melina scoffed but her gaze softened. "Tell me, how did you keep your heart?" 
"Pain only makes us stronger, didn't you tell us that?" Romanoff reminded. "What you taught me, kept me alive. And not only me." 
As if called by that mention, the door burst open and Katya run inside. An alarm immediately went off in Natasha's head, the moment she noticed her daughter's expression. 
"Katya, what's going on?" 
The girl didn't even look in her direction. She looked around the entryway, then the living room like she was searching for something, before disappearing into the kitchen. Hurried by gut feeling, Natasha followed, with Melina right behind her. When they caught up to the girl, she was already grasping a kitchen knife. Her eyes were shooting daggers, jaw clenched, her expression so cold it made Romanoff take a step back. Yet what was the most suspicious, was that Melina didn't react. Like she already knew what this was about. 
"Katyusha, what's happening?" Natasha asked calmly, watching Vostokoff out of the corner of her eye.
"Tell her what you did." Katya seethed, and the knife pointed at Melina. 
"I'm so sorry..." she shook her head. "I've..." 
"She alerted the Red Room. I saw it." the girl finished instead and her eyes started to glisten. "They're coming for us."
Natasha let out a gasp of betrayal and glanced at Melina with disbelief, cursing herself and how quickly she made her let her guard down. "How could you?" she stammered. "All of that to just..." She had trouble forming words and knew well what was the reason. Fear was taking over, but not for herself. For Katya. "She's only twelve..."
"You were even younger." Melina reminded. "And I can explain, I swear," she claimed, her voice unusually weak. "Can you please, put the knife down?" she requested but the girl didn't react so her eyes shifted back to Romanoff, hoping for some assistance in talking her down. 
"If you're lying I'll stab you myself," Romanoff promised, before turning to Katya. "Honey," the blue eyes flicked to her "You're gonna need to hand me that knife."
The hand clasped around the knife's handle trembled when Natasha stepped closer. She nodded at her, reassuringly, trying to give her daughter hope that everything will be fine. That they'll make it out just fine. 
"I don't wanna go back there," Katya uttered, her voice quavering when Natasha touched her hand. The first sob escaped the girl's throat and suddenly Romanoff felt like looking in the mirror. "I wanna go back to Iowa. Don't let them take me, please."
"It's gonna be okay, I promise." Natasha squeezed her hand and pulled her closer for a quick but strong hug before they were hurried by Melina. The clock was ticking and she still had to explain herself.
sorry it's so short but i had to divide somehow and it only made sense to do it like that.
to make it up, the next one will be up tomorrow, instead of in two days! :)