entry #87 - steve 3:10

                                    

                                          
'You're also the reason why I'm unemployed, aren't you?' I hiss, and for the first time since this impromptu exchange began, I feel like I'm losing my patience. The reason is simple: I'm hurt, and I'm a high profile overthinker. Everything he does and says brings up memories of something he's done or said before, and them memories only add more fuel to my pissed off-ness. No, I was never particularly fond of the fact that he called my boss and he removed me off my movies because he felt entitled to do so. I mean, I was just waiting for the right moment to call it quits with making porn, he did the thing for me, and part of me is grateful that he did. But before finding myself in the situation of not having a job, I wanted to be asked if I was ready for it. I wanted at least get back in Seattle from this tour and sort some of my shit, before having to face unemployment. I wanted to have more money on my bank account and feel financially stable enough, before not having any income for a while. But Kinney and his impulsiveness said no, and I'm dumb because I've let him, a man who ain't even my boyfriend, decide what's good for me.
Seriously, he's an asshole at times. But I'm a square asshole, fuck's sake. I am unemployed because a man who doesn't love me and will never love me wants to be the only one to fuck me for an unqualified amount of time. And he apparently also wants be the only one to clown and hurt me... because if someone else dares to, he isn't afraid to throw stuff. But if he hurts me, it's just 'a joke like another one' for him, or it's 'just a misunderstanding'.
Jesus Christ, I can't stand our closeness anymore. He's looking at me with the eyes of someone who knows better, and I'd want to slap that fucking mask of entitlement off his face real damn hard. But I can't, because I have him well figured out, and I know it'd get him going. I'd like to gather all of what's left of my pride, and sneak back into the club to have some much deserved fun with my friends. But I can't, because I have him well figured out, and I know he'd follow me like the persistent fuck that he is. So, what do I do? I stand here, right in front of him, and I even let him grab my hand again. I sigh, almost like I'm disappointed, but still I let him walk me to the nearest available seat... aka, a short wall of white concrete right behind our backs. He sits first, and he does the Sean: which means, he motions me to sit on his lap, and he gives me the charming, little sarcastic eyed look. But I don't fall for it. I sit right beside him, and I make sure that our thighs don't even touch. 
'Oh, don't worry 'bout that. I'll take care of shit 'til you find a real job'. He answers, and I swear to god, if I don't slap him, it's just because I lack basic strength tonight. Plus, I'm so done with every fucking thing. So he thinks that he can come into my life out of the blue, make me fall in love with him, and do whatever the hell he wants to me? From clowning me to getting me fired, all the way to becoming my caregiver ? Hell no. I don't need my man to clown me and get me signed up for unemployment. I don't need my man to provide for me. I need my man to love me, respect me, have fun with me, support me and what I do, and let me be as independent as I aspire to be. Which means, very independent, as mama Khair taught me. I need my man to look at me taking care of my business and think 'fuck, that's my girl and I'm so proud of her'. I don't need my man to look at me and think 'this chick is a fucking dumb ass, let's make some fun of her'. He only had two things to do, in order to pass my scrutinies: let me be my independent self, and treat me like I have actual feelings and a functioning brain. But he failed both tests. It's useless that he does the charitable and offers to pay for my everything until I find a new job, if his only real intention with me is to treat me like I'm a fucking joke. I deserve much better than a clowny caregiver, and we both know it. 
'I already have a father. I don't need another one'. I comment, shrugging and pulling away from him, when he dares to almost rest his head on my shoulder. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to be his human headrest and I'd love to brush his hair for the rest of the night, but I can't do it. He's misunderstanding me again, and he's pissing me off on a new topic because he probably wants to move on from the old one. From fellatio to having a caregiver, I'm still offended and very pissed off. That, while he's still all chill and unbothered. He knows how fucking pissed I get, when we're out at some place, getting food or drinks or whatever, and he doesn't let me pay one time. And he's an idiot, if he thinks that I'll let him take care of me like my dad would do until I moved to Seattle. I would never. I could never. Not even if we both know he's the reason why I'm fucking unemployed. He thinks I want him to provide me with everything I need until I find a new job... but little he knows that I was planning on buying him one of em Sabian fucking cymbals as a 'thank you' gift for his unconditional kindness of the last few days. I don't know shit about drums, but he don't know shit about me ... so I guess I will put my money into something else while he learns something more about me. Contrarily to what he believes, I'm a smart fucking lady, and he ain't gonna take it away from me.