-chapter twenty nine-

                                    

                                          
Ellie had been back with Taylor for a week by now - and she still woke up screaming multiple times a night. There was relief in the fact that they both logically knew that they wouldn't be separated again... but still. Taylor didn't know what to do to make it better for her. It was a situation that she couldn't figure out how to fix. She wanted so desperately to turn back time and erase those four days at Ellie's house. She wanted a remedy for her nightmares, for her sadness. Taylor knew that Ellie couldn't quite come to terms with the fact that even though her birth mother had been horrible to her... she felt grief and guilt. She was only eight - she didn't understand it at all.
Ellie had been in the changing room for the entirety of the Denver concerts, she'd been too scared to be in the big crowd. She'd not wanted to be screaming with everyone around her. She hadn't felt like putting on a sparkly dress and butterfly hair clips. It had all seemed a bit overwhelming for her, although, life itself seemed to be too much at the moment. 
Taylor had felt dreadful, but she'd given Ellie the choice to stay back at the hotel both nights but she hadn't wanted to be that far away from Taylor. Which had honestly been a relief to the grownup, because the thought of being that far away from Ellie sent her anxiety sky high. It was something that she knew was teetering on the edge of rock bottom - the panic that something would happen to Ellie without her. It was her new biggest fear, her new haunting thought. It was a worry when she was asleep and when she was awake. That they'd come back and tear her away from the little girl again. That they'd find a reason why Ellie would be better off with her birth parents. That she wasn't good enough to be the Mom that Ellie desperately needed.
Taylor's Mom had stayed with Ellie in the dressing room, and even Andrea knew that the child wasn't herself. But no one knew what to do about it, because there were no quick fixes in a situation like this. None at all. More damage had been done in those four days than anyone could even believe - they'd haunt the eight year old and Taylor alike, for the rest of their lives. It was a subject that no one knew how to deal with - a problem with no quick fix. 
Taylor couldn't stand being away from Ellie, and she knew it was stupid. She knew that it was ridiculous- but her panic that someone was going to take her away again was so strong. It was insurmountable, it was a mountain that Taylor didn't know how to conquer. Because her focus wasn't on herself and fixing her own mental health. It was helping Ellie. That would always be her first priority. So she'd shove her feelings down and down and down, because she wasn't the important one here.
Ellie was on the wait list to see a therapist, and Taylor was looking into a range of different support groups to see what was available. She'd started making plans for the end of tour, and she'd pretty much concluded that they were leaving New York. It seemed to be a city of scary memories for Ellie, and she didn't want her to be haunted by those ghosts anymore. It was only blocks away from where she'd been hurt so many times, blocks away from where her childhood had been snatched away from her. New York also wasn't the place she'd ever imagined raising a kid. She'd never imagined raising a kid at all, but now that she was... she wanted to do it right. She wanted to do it right. And she felt like she couldn't do that in New York. 
She hadn't exactly narrowed down where they were going - there was a part of her that liked the thought of raising Ellie in Nashville. But that was miles away from everything, and it was certainly different to New York. It was far away from Blake and James, Inez and Betty. It was far away from a number of her friends. Taylor loved her New York apartment, but she'd found a couple of houses in Nashville that seemed like the perfect family home. It wasn't New York, but it was Nashville. Maybe that's what Ellie needed? Closer to Taylor's parents, closer to her own childhood, closer to... a normal life. 
Maybe Ellie needed a fresh start, maybe she needed to get away from this city of dust and shadows. Maybe what she needed was blooming meadows and summer crickets and rusty streetlights and forget me not flowers and chickens and horses and rain showers and ladybugs and butterflies.  Gravel pathways and front porch chairs and daisy chains. A life that Taylor felt like she was missing. Taylor shook her head, wishing she knew exactly how to help her. Getting out of the city seemed like a good place to start.