28

                                    

                                          
Warnings:
-Mentions self harm wounds   suicidal thoughts  
Elliot's POV 
~ A Few Days Later ~
The upcoming days, I slipped into a deep and dark state wherein I hadn't left my room anymore. I was deeply depressed, had been staring at the ceiling for three days because I couldn't sleep and hadn't closed my eyes for a single second in those days.
I hadn't talked to Tristan either, I ignored all of his texts and calls and eventually blocked him because I refused to talk to him after what I had seen Patrick say. I didn't trust Patrick, but he couldn't have known about my sexuality and brother in any other way than by Tristan.
I became so depressed that I stopped eating, simply because I didn't have any motivation to. I hadn't left my bed for anything other than peeing, I didn't shower anymore and barely even spoke to Clay.
He tried to get me to come to school and wanted to talk to Tristan, but I forbade him to because I just wasn't ready to see him again after the personal moments I shared with him, someone who had sex with the person he was "supposed to leave".
Next to that, my flashbacks started to get so insanely bad that I was too afraid to even go outside at this point. I wasn't even the one who got hurt all the time, yet, it constantly felt like someone was going to sneak up to me and hurt me. It gave me countless panic attacks a day, I got so awfully burnt out that eventually, I harmed myself due to the hopelessness.
It was late in the evening when I was scratching the wound on my wrist, trying to make it start bleeding again. I wanted to feel the pain so I would be able to focus on something other than my own thoughts that were slowly killing me...
Suddenly, my door opened. I gasped and looked up, pulling my sleeves far over my arm. It took me a second, but as soon as I realised Tristan came in, I turned to my side and closed my eyes. 'Go away, now.'
'Elliot, I have to talk to you. This is the only moment I'm able to go to you because Patrick is at soccer practice. Please, look at me and listen to what I have to say.'
I heard the urgency in his voice and while sighing, I turned around to look him into the eyes. He knelt down in front of my bed and raised his hand up to my cheek, a soft peck on my forehead followed. 
'I love you so much, El. I meant everything I've said, but Patrick heard us too. Do you remember the day we went to soccer again? He had soccer practice right after us and was on the field, listening to our conversation. I haven't told him anything about you, I promise that on my life.'
The tears filled his eyes as he grabbed my hand. 'Tris...'
'Elliot, he did things to me I'm not ready to talk about. I just... it's too soon, but he blackmailed me. I had to listen to him, Elliot, he blackmailed me with the most important thing in my life, which is you.'
A tear dropped down on my hand, his hand shaking as he held mine. 
'He would out you, Elliot. I didn't want him to do that, I knew how much you were struggling with it and didn't want you to have to deal with so much pain. You would have been so upset and... he wanted to tell everyone about Clay too. I just couldn't let that happen, but had to ignore you for it or else he would do it anyway.'
'Tristan, he did something really bad to you, didn't he?' I asked when I saw the pain in his eyes. Only now, I realised his cheeks were sunken in, as if he lost weight over the past few weeks. 'Have you been eating well?'
Tristan didn't answer me and lifted his hand to my cheek, but as he did that, his sleeve lowered which revealed a chaos of wounds on his arm. I didn't hesitate and grabbed it, lifting his sleeve a tiny bit to confirm what I saw.
Immediately, I pulled it down because I was shocked by my own actions and knew I shouldn't have done it, but Tristan didn't even seem to care and climbed in my bed as well to cuddle with me. 
'I don't want to bother you, Elliot,' he whispered. 'I don't feel ready to talk about my feelings, but definitely not because I don't want to bother you and stress you out even more than you already are.'
'I won't force you when you aren't ready, but don't bottle up things because you think I can't deal with it. Yes, I feel like crap, but that doesn't mean I can't be there for you. You're my... I don't even know what we are, but either way, I don't want you to ever hide something because you think it's better for me.'
'I can show you what I think of you,' he said with a soft smile, one that didn't ease the pain in his eyes. 'And I won't hide things for you, but I'm not ready either right now. I hope you can respect that choice...'
'I do, but can you please answer me if you're safe. I will admit, I've hurt myself too and doubted suicide a lot, I guess I still do, but I won't commit. I want to know if you feel this way, I won't be able to feel calm if you don't answer me.'
He turned his eyes away and shrugged. 'I'm suicidal, but I won't commit suicide... I believe God has a plan for me, I just don't see it yet.'
'You'll see it soon enough,' I answered as I leaned closer to him. 'But I hope I can be part of it.'
Tristan didn't wait and pressed his lips on mine as if that was the thing he was craving the most for days. I kissed him back right away and smiled through the kiss, my hands going up his shirt to hold them on his back. 
However, just as Tristan deepened the kiss, my door opened. I gasped and looked aside, relieved it was just Clay who was standing in the opening, a smirk on his face. 'I guess I see what's going on here. I wanted to wish you a good night, but I guess you'll definitely have one.'
He chuckled as he walked off, Tristan reconnecting our lips after he laughed shortly.
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