Being independent made me gain the confidence I needed, I started to do things that I would never do before.
If I was invited somewhere before I would decline and worry about what others would think of me, now I don't care what others think of me.
I was invited to go out of town for a weekend for a birthday party, I was nervous at first but the adventure was exciting at the same time. I made sure it was the weekend my kids went to their dads before I accepted the invitation, "this is what I've needed" I said to myself as I was packing.
I needed a getaway, I needed an escape from the small town. I left that Friday on the road, feeling free from my reality, from the gossip.
I planned out the weekend, I was going to have fun at the birthday party and see my mom and brother in the route home.
I arrived in Texas and met up with my friends, we ate at this nice little restaurant in where the drinks started flowing, once we paid for our meal we went to a bar to shoot some pool and listen to some good music.
That night was filled with laughter and lots of alcohol. I laughed so much my face hurt the next day.
We all went back to the apartment after the bar and things got a little wild but it was a birthday party so we didn't care.
Waking up the next day feeling like my body was about to fall apart, with a splitting headache I pulled myself out of bed noticing a glass of water and headache pills laid out for me, I let out a sigh of relief.
I went into the bathroom taking a shower to get the alcohol smell off of me, feeling somewhat better I got dressed packed my things and headed out the door to drive to Houston to see my brother.
Jacob moved there to get away from our town and to start over with his wife and kids, it had been a long time since I seen him so I was happy to get the chance to visit.
The traffic was horrible but I managed to make it there within two hours, once I arrived where he was working I couldn't help but smile seeing him.
He gave me a big hug and I could see the happiness in his eyes to see me.
"Come try some my crawfish" he said, he was working a side job cooking crawfish and selling it to people.
"I have to say these are the best I've had in a while" as I sucked the heads and peeled the tales, I started giggling when I noticed the pile of shells on my plate.
Time slipped away from us, I had to get on the road again to spend some time with my momma before it got to late.
I hugged him and his wife before heading out, it was a 6 hour drive from there but it was worth it plus it was on my way home.
Once I got to her house I was tired from the eventful time I've had, only to realize she was boiling crawfish too.
We sat outside enjoying each other's company while eating crawfish again "this is my lucky day, get to eat my favorite thing twice" I giggled to my mom.
"You look better" she pointed out "I am getting there, things are still hard at times but Josh wouldn't want me to live my life miserable so I'm living while I'm still alive." I said to her
She agreed and smiled wholeheartedly at me, "I'm happy you understand that now, you had me and everyone else worried" she said.
"I know but I'm really ok now so there's no need to worry about me"
Saying that she seemed to relax some hearing my words and seeing me smile made her understand more.
I decided it was time to leave when the weather looked like it was going to rain, I wanted to beat the rain and stay in front of it on my ride home.
She was the half way mark from my brother to my house so it was about a 6 hour drive from there. During the drive, I had my own concert in my car listening to all my favorite bands, I needed to make the boring ride somewhat fun after all I was stuck in that car for a while.
I got home around midnight, it was like going back to my own hell. Work was the next day, so it was the dreaded Sunday feeling we have when we don't want the weekends to end.
I fell asleep not long after arriving home, during my sleep I had a dream that was vivid, as if I was awake. I was sitting on a bench by a lake, the water was calm the sun was setting, it looked like a pretty painting the scene was breathtaking.
I felt a hand lay on my knee, I looked over and it was Josh sitting next to me. He looked like he was glowing almost, as if he was as bright as the sun. I hugged him and pulled away when he said "I'm ok" I looked at him in a daze and said "but I seen you die" he smiled and said again "I'm ok, but you need to take care of yourself and the girl, don't dwell on the past I'm always with you"
I woke up to my alarm, tears filled my eyes. I was mad that I woke up I didn't want the dream to end but I had this feeling as if it was him giving me a sign to move on with my life.
I knew then that it was going to be ok...
