Chapter Six

                                    

                                          
Now, I hope you enjoy the conclusion, though I have to warn you, this is like 90% just notes in Dean's jar bc I got far too caught up in writing those lol.
Warning for implication of suicidal thoughts
And reference to Taylor Swift's "This Is Me Trying" - if this song isn't Dean I don't know what is
~oOo~oOo~oOo~
"Dean?" Cas' eyes were glued to the big glass jar sitting on Dean's desk. "What are those?"
"Started writing them down", Dean said quietly. "My prayers."
My prayers. Cas was sure his heart stopped for a moment, stumbling in his chest.
"Your-" Cas swallowed hard. "Your prayers."
Dean nodded.
"Helped me get it off my chest, y'know", he said. "Everything I thought I'd never get to say to you. Stupid stuff most of the time, really. Just anything- anything I wanted to tell you. And I..." Dean paused, green eyes finding blue, glistening with unshed tears. "I did beg in them, Cas", Dean admitted then, lightly shaking his head to himself with a humourless chuckle. "Begged for you to hear me, to come back to me. I've never been one for begging, but I'd beg for you, and I ain't ashamed of it. Not anymore. Not after this."
Cas' heart broke with a silent sound of defeat, shards slicing into his flesh as each one tried to reach for Dean. He wished he could have heard those prayers, wished he could have fulfilled each and every wish Dean had uttered in them, wished he would have known, wished he could have...could have...
He reached out instinctively, pulling Dean in and pressing his lips to Dean's in a helpless attempt to comfort. The kiss was warm and soft, and he could feel Dean melting into it, holding him just a little tighter.
I'm sorry, the kiss said. I wish I could have been there for you. I wish I could have spared you all this grief. I love you, forgive me, forgive me, forgive me- 
But Dean...Dean smiled at him when they broke apart, and perhaps that was enough for now.
"Can I..." Cas hesitated. "I mean- would you let me-"
He gestured towards the accumulated papers, this puzzle of Dean's thoughts and feelings, waiting for Cas to unravel them, put them together to paint him a picture of Dean's soul.
"You wanna?", Dean asked, a swirling mixture of hope and fear in his eyes.
Cas just nodded.
"Ain't gonna be a fun read."
"I'm aware." It's going to hurt. It's going to hurt because you were hurting when you wrote them. But they're still yours. They're still you. "But I...I want- I need to know. Everything you're willing to share. If it's alright with you, I..."
Dean swallowed visibly, looking over at the jar for a long moment that felt like ages to Cas.
"Course", Dean said then, a small hesitant smile on his lips. "They were always meant for you anyway."
Cas' legs were shaking when he walked over to the desk.
His hands trembled when he reached out and grabbed a random piece of paper.
His heart pounded in his ears when he opened the first note. 
And Cas read.
~oOo~
This is so stupid. Why am I even doing this, Cas? Feel like a moron, sitting here and writing these. But I don't know what else to do, Cas. I don't know what else to do.