~235~

                                    

                                          
today
we talked
I said your name
and you said mine
you hadn't said my name in years
it was the best
but also the worst
I was glad
but also sorry
happy
but in pain
it's never just one thing with you, is it?
I am never just happy or just sad to see you
and these days
the ones where there's even the smallest possibility to see you
I crave them and dread them all the same
I am not mad at you anymore
for forgetting me
because that's what ten years of loving someone does to you
you forgive them
and no matter the fact that I will spend the next couple of days
trying to figure out how the hell do I get back to the world where you don't exist
it was good
seeing you
seeing you was maybe one of the best things that's happened to me this year
and not because I've wanted you to stick around a bit longer
a bit harder
but because there was something in the way you said my name today that I think
just a little bit
you owed me
but not in a bad way kind of owed me
but in a way that's almost like
I remember you
like
I am sorry
trust me
I am too
and you will never know just how sorry I am
but we are much older now
and your girlfriend seems nice
and I don't think I should see you anymore because when I get home and unpack my bag and brush my teeth
I am going to cry myself to sleep
and it will not be your fault
it'll be mine
it always has been
I want to be your friend
I swear
but it takes practice
and I suck at it
but promise we'll be friends when we're thirty
promise you'll invite me to your wedding
promise to say my name when you can
and promise it will not hurt