entry #61 - first of the gang to die

                                    

                                          

So, and I think I've said 'so' a hundred times already, since this day began, it's well past lunchtime now, and we're still in Green River. Still mall bound. The bravest ones of us, aka everyone except me, had some delish ice cream after lunch. Cherry, aka the less brave specimen of the Phellus gang, definitely the one with the most problematic eating schemes, hence, most likely the first one of the gang to die, just had a lick off Sean's stick (sadly, I'm talking about chocolate ice cream, not about man popsicle) and a good ole Americano at Starbucks. It was a very Sean thing of Sean, to tell the employee that my name was 'Jennifer', so that she'd scribble down my porn name on my disposable cup. Don't worry, I've paid him back by telling the employee chick that his name was Ralph, when he ordered another good ole Americano for himself. It was yet another very Sean thing of Sean, to pay for my coffee and have me whining at the checkout, because I can't fucking stand it, when he acts like he's my caregiver. He knows that it pisses me off, when he grabs his wallet and takes care of shit... but he keeps doing it, and I'm starting to believe that he does the gentleman just for the sake of pissing me off. Fuck his wallet. I want his heart, not stuff bought with his money, wherever I go. 
And what's with all of these porn name jokes and teases, today ? I don't know, but if I have him figured out well enough, and I think I do ... they're just a very cryptic way to remind me that he's called me out of all of my movies and sets for the whole month, so that I'll fuck no one else but him. He's been cryptic but clear about it: he isn't fond of the idea of sharing me with anyone else. Not even if it's a chick, and not even if it's for adult, cinematic purposes. I'm cool with it, I don't want anyone else but him, and I want to be the only one he crawls to, when he wants to have a good time. Between the sheets, sure, but also far beyond that. 
I am still mad at him for having handled my shit before talking it out to me, but I'm also thankful for what he's done because I would've never found the courage to do the thing myself. I have thought about this a lot, after the exchange that we've had yesterday, outside of the Italian restaurant, on top of his Kawasaki ... and I have come to the realisation that I've never fucking liked making porn. Sometimes it's fun, but most of the times it's weird. It's sketchy. It's lame. It's gross. It's forced. It gives people the idea that I'm a slut, when in reality, I'm just a big fucking romantic whose dirtiest fantasy is being a slut for her one and only. It could be a girl, and I'd embrace it and love her with every ounce of my heart. It could be Sean, and I hope it'll be him...but he doesn't love me, and he will never love me. Unless I dare to get in his mind like a jackhammer, and I make my way to his cold cold, clowny clowny heart. This time though, for real. Not just to say it. 
Yes, I am in love with him, if it wasn't obvious enough. I'm also unemployed, but it's for a good cause: my present dignity and my future dignity as a doctor, first and foremost. I am unemployed and I'm shitting myself at the idea of not making enough money to have a decent life ... but it was about fucking time I'd quit the shitty porn industry. Finding a new job and my own way in this crazy fucking world is gonna be a challenge ... but hey, I always like one. I'll face this one as soon as I get back to Seattle. For now, I'll face another kind of challenge, aka the handsome as hell, sarcastic motherfucker who's standing right beside me. 
We're at some sort of improvised, small casino. I'm sat on a velvet, lobby chair, he's playing the slots with Gerry, and the blondie is listing the 101 different reasons why they should abandon me here in Green River, instead of bringing me along on the road. I think they're joking, because Gerry looks oddly calm, less passive aggressive than his usual, and Sean is laughing... a laugh that becomes almost uncontrollable, when Cuntrell says that he 'can't even stand the way Khair walks'. Sorry, but I won't do anything to fix my not catwalk, sassy catwalk walk. I share a birthday with Mata Hari, I am a Leo, hence I'm a girlboss, sassy walker ever since birth. I'm a Leo, I don't know what Gerry is, besides a Cunt, and I don't wanna know. The opinion of someone who walks like he's got crabs in his pants doesn't bother me that much anyways.