12

                                    

                                          
Warnings:
-Body shaming   toxic relationships 
-Disordered eating 
Tristan's POV
I was staring at my sandwich for ten minutes, eventually closing my lunchbox because I had no appetite. I shoved it away and looked up into the full cantina, feeling unsafe because Elliot wasn't with me.
I knew he wasn't my guard, but I was afraid Patrick would come near me, or even worse, out me so I couldn't do soccer anymore. I was still afraid Elliot was angry at me for some reason, and even though I skipped soccer practice for him, he didn't thank nor contact me afterwards.
'Hi, love,' Patrick suddenly said as he sat down next to me. 'Have you eaten?'
'No...' I mumbled, trying to scoot away from him because I didn't want anyone to see us together in a romantic way and he knew that.
'Good, you're getting a little bit fatter,' he replied. 'And I'm into skinny guys like you used to be. You can try to lose some pounds and it'll all be back to normal before you know.'
I glanced down at my legs, feeling pretty self conscious when I saw they were fatter because I was sitting down. I lifted them up and put my feet on the chair, my arms around my knees. 
'How much do you weigh now?' he asked, which made my cheeks get red from embarrassment. 'And how tall are you again?'
'Uh... I'm 6.1 feet (185cm) and last time I checked, I weighed 155 pounds (70kg). The doctor told me it was perfect.'
'Maybe it's perfect according to the health system, but it's not perfect to me, honey,' he answered. 'Your BMI is 20,4 and I really dislike people with such a high BMI.'
'But I have muscles,' I tried, but he shook his head.
'I want you to have a BMI around 17. I suggest losing about 26 pounds and you'll be stunning,' he demanded.
'But I've never been that low in weight and you always used to love me...'
'Honey, you used to be so much thinner and you're becoming some pufferfish right now, I have to set boundaries or else you'll just turn into a pig.'
'I got into the team, I can't lose too much or skip a lot of meals. I need a lot of energy to practice,' I defended myself, but his eye roll that followed made me so insecure that I decided to stay quiet from there. 
'I'm pretty sure you're the fattest one in your team. Elliot is a lot thinner than you too,' Patrick told me, a sparkling sensation shooting up my spine from the pain he gave me inside. 
'Elliot eats more than I do,' I stumbled. 'I'm not that much fatter...'
'Sure, ask him for his weight and you'll see...' Patrick replied, standing up to walk away. 
Uncomfortably, I grabbed my phone and went to Elliot's chat, because I wanted to know if he was actually that much thinner than me. 
You
Patrick just called me fat and told me you're way thinner than me. I told him I'm not that much fatter and he said I had to ask your weight to see. You don't have to tell me, but I'm very insecure now :(
He read my message right away, giving me some hope he wasn't angry at me. 
Elliot
Dude, that's so toxic. You're nothing close to being fat and I don't want to say my weight in case I do weigh less and you're going to beat yourself up for it <3
You
I just want to know because I'm afraid I'm massive right now :(
Elliot
It really depends on the person, Tris. I weigh 144 pounds :) 
I immediately closed the chat and stared at my body again. Elliot was taller than I was and weighed eleven pounds less than me... 
You
Patrick is right then :( why did you not tell me I'm fat? I weigh eleven pounds more than you and I'm shorter
Elliot
Because you aren't. I said it depends on the person and I asked Clay, he weighs 163 pounds :D he's the same length as I am and totally not fat. I gain weight very slowly, which is because I was born too early and was underweight for most of my childhood :)
You
I've never felt like I'm thin enough, but I guess if you say so :) thank you, I hope you're okay since you're not at school today
Elliot
I stayed home for Clay today, he has a lot of pain and I wanted to keep him company because our parents had to go to work unfortunately
I smiled at my phone because I loved how caring and loving he was, but felt alone too. I really wished he would care for me the way he cared for Clay, I wished he would hug me tightly and tell me it was going to be alright...
I sighed softly and yet still couldn't believe that I was genuinely as thin as I thought I was. It seemed like I could see my thighs grow the longer I watched them, giving me a feeling of nausea from the disgust.
Without any doubt, I stood up and started walking to the bathroom. When I arrived, I opened my lunchbox and looked around. After making sure no one was able to see me, I quickly threw all my food into the bin and pushed my lunchbox away again. 
No one had to know I wasn't eating, but no one would care either. I wanted to be beautiful, I wanted to be loved. Even though I promised to break up with Patrick, Elliot's absence made me feel so alone that I started to grasp onto the wrong things, Patrick being one of those.
Maybe he was this harsh because I was just an awful person, and every single other person I would meet would treat me the same way as he did. I had to work on myself before I could be truly loved by someone and if that included losing weight, I would be ready to do it.
You
I haven't been able to tell you about the camp, could we see each other after school?
Hopefully, I looked at my screen as I wished for him to still be interested in me. 
You
I could come to your place to be with Clay too! My school ends at three :)
Elliot
My place isn't really practical, it's a mess here. I can come to yours, though! Want to hang alone or with Clay?
Of course I wanted to be alone with Elliot, but Clay was injured and I didn't want him to suffer alone either...
You
Clay needs care so we can hang out with the three of us. Maybe we can hang out together sometime when he feels better?
Elliot
I can sense that you want to be together, which is totally fine <3 I can take Clay with me and if it's okay with your parents, he could stay downstairs on the couch?
You
Isn't that weird for your parents? 
Elliot
No, haha. They are at work and I'm sure Clay would love to lay on your chill couch :D
I felt my smile fade. Why was I never allowed to go to their place? Why did they both lie so often about their parents not being at home while they were?
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