~229~

                                    

                                          
I don't want you to be mad at me
I didn't mean to make you cry
I am just trying to be fair to myself
if only this once
please
let me do what is right for me
please
do not make this about you
please
just let this be about me
your silence over the phone hurt enough to make me feel again
you have pulled me out of the still numbness once again
and I am not sure if I stand for it
my lungs are devoid of air
and I wish I never made that call
never woke up
never existed
I am not well dad
my heart is bleeding gasoline
trust me
you don't want this mess at your neighbor's table
you don't want to be ashamed of who you've raised
and I can't pretend to be someone I'm not
I would
I swear
I would if I could
I would do it for you
I would pick myself up
and I would smile
and I would convince every last one of them fuckers of how good I've been doing
but I am going to cry on the bus on my way home
and once I step into my apartment
I will realize that I am even more numb than I was when I left it
the act will have bled me dry
my tank will be empty
and I am going to be mad at you for a while for not being able to fix me
for bringing me to that table
for convincing me that it's going to be lovely
and it is going to hurt dad