56

                                    

                                          

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I don't care that a storm is raging and the fierce wind almost carries me away. The rain pelts me painfully and soaks my clothes in no time, sticking to my skin in a disgusting and unpleasant way.
Yet I am paralysed by the desire that drives me to leave this place - this torturous situation. A suffocating panic spreads through my chest and I feel like I am suffocating and can hardly breathe. Despite this, or perhaps because of it, I run. Aimless, without direction, my feet just lead me away from there.

"Mei! Wait, what are you doing?" he shouts. I can hear his footsteps splashing through the muddy puddles behind me, following me.
"Leave me alone!", I shout over my shoulder, my voice shrill with strain and fear. I refuse to stop, refuse to face reality. Instead, I charge on, driven by my desperation - ignoring the pelting rain.
"This is ridiculous, Mei! Come back!", I hear his voice calling through the night again. His voice is fainter from the distance and the lashing rain.
"Ridiculous?", I repeat with bitter derision and stop abruptly. I turn and look him straight in the eye before asking, "Mikey, did we sleep together?"

A painful, stifling silence spreads between us, broken only by the rain. My heart beats wildly against my chest, tears gather in my eyes - they burn as he just stares mutely into my face, unable or unwilling to answer.
"Answer me, damn you!", I roar then, my voice overflowing with panic. My voice threatens to break, but I force myself not to take my eyes off him and ask the question again, "Did we sleep together?!"

I press my lips together, fighting in vain against the tears that rise inexorably. When he finally answers, his voice is barely audible above the storm: "Yes, we did." His words, so simple and yet so devastating, make my heart skip a beat and the world around me stop for a moment. The tears I had struggled to hold back earlier now stream uncontrollably down my cheeks, mingling with the cold raindrops. I continue to stare at him, unable to take my eyes off him. I convulsively try to swallow the lump in my throat that is cutting off my air. My breathing is rapid and shallow as I try to control the rising feeling of panic.

Without another word to him, I turn around, looking for a spot to fix. My fingers dig into my wet hair, tugging at it as if to rip the pain and confusion from my mind. Then my legs give way under the weight of my emotions and I sink into the wet earth. I curl up, hiding my face in my tightened knees. My breath comes in quick, gasping puffs as I fight the suffocating feeling in my chest.
"Did we at least use contraception? ", I finally bring out, my voice barely more than a whisper but clear enough for him to hear. The fear of his answer makes my blood run cold.
His answer comes after an agonising eternity. A deep inhale and exhale, followed by the devastating single word: "No".
It strikes like lightning, echoing in my head, making my heartbeat quicken and my breathing become more uncontrolled. The suffocating feelings in my chest intensify and threaten to overwhelm me. The world around me becomes a blurry mist of tears and rain. I squeeze my eyes tightly shut, wrap my knees even tighter and surrender to the rising wave of panic as the storm rages incessantly around me.

I crouch on the wet floor and my frantic breathing echoes in my ears, each inhale and exhale intensifying the spreading panic.
"I'm sorry, Mei," comes his calm, tortured voice and he crouches down beside me. But his words are only empty comfort and reach me in a muffled way. My mind can take in nothing but that one, devastating word: "No."
With trembling hands, I wipe the salty tears from my eyes and fix my teary eyes on him. My voice, barely more than a hoarse whisper, trembles with fear, "Damn it Mikey, what if I'm pregnant? My God, what if I'm pregnant?"
I cling to this question, repeating it like a desperate mantra, hoping to somehow grasp the cruel reality. But no matter how hard I try to suppress the tormenting thoughts - to deny them, but I cannot. There is no solution to this catastrophe. There is no solution to what has happened. No magic button to turn back time and undo things. And the fact that Mikey says absolutely nothing about it only makes it worse for me. His staring eyes fix on an invisible point in the distance and his silence bores into my soul like a thorn.

Mikey hesitantly places a hand on my shoulder and I flinch under his touch.
"Mei... I'm sorry, it was a stupid mistake," he says. With a look of disbelief, I lift my head and stare into his eyes, stunned, and even forget to breathe for a moment, so speechless am I by his statement.
"What was a mistake? That you slept with me? Well thank you too Mikey," I groan out full of bitterness as anger boils up inside me.
"Just so you know, I'm not one of your private sluts that you can get into bed with anytime you want!", I roar, not holding back my anger.
His every word, his every action, this whole unbearable situation, they are tearing me apart inside, stirring up a wave of panic and anger inside me that builds inexorably. I stand up with a jerk and just walk away, further through the pouring rain - away from him, which only makes the situation worse.
"No, you're crazy," he calls after me, his words almost lost in the patter of the rain before he follows me.
"Stop following me! Leave me alone!", I shout desperately as I try to run faster.

For a while he follows me in silence until he gets fed up, grabs my arm and turns me in his direction. I can only see him blurry through the veil of tears that obscures my vision.
"So you remember?" he asks me with a composure that could make me want to smack him.
"Yes, I remember everything. I remember you forgetting me-" "Don't say that! Don't you say that, you know it's not true!" he interrupts me, his voice now filling with anger as well. His interruption silences me and the words catch in my throat. I can't say anything more, only cry as the tears stream inexorably down my face.
"Then what was it? Explain it to me! I don't understand, why me of all people? Why didn't you go to that Kira girl? After all, sex doesn't require feelings for you to stomp on!", I scream at him, my words full of tears and desperation. I tear myself away from his grip and don't take my eyes off him for a second.
"Yes, I could. I could go to her and make love to her. And she would let me because she obviously wants me to. But I don't want that," he explains, his voice calmer again, but the tears in my eyes don't subside.
"Why? What's the difference between us? Why are you playing with my emotions like this?" The questions bubble out of me, my voice choked with sobs.
"The difference between you? The difference is that I love you, Mei. I want to be with you, not her!" he confesses, looking at me so intensely it almost intimidates me.
"But why? Why would you want that? There's nothing about me to love!" My heart aches fiercely in my chest as I say those words, because I just can't understand what he sees in me.

He sighs lightly and brushes his hair out of his face as he begins to narrate, "Because you're incredibly cute when you pretend to be mad at me. It's the way your eyes sparkle when you're trying to hide your anger but still can't help but smile at it."
He places his hand on my cheek and lets his fingers gently stroke my cheek. The tender feel of his touch makes my breath catch as he continues, "Because you don't give a fuck if people like you or not and just do your thing and don't let anyone tell you anything. Because you're not afraid to hit me or kick me." A smile forms on his lips and you can almost hear his smile.
"Because you are absolutely unpredictable and constantly amaze me. Because you are absolutely not spontaneous and just completely strange in all sorts of ways..."
He pauses for a moment and shakes his head before continuing, "... and because you love me but would never admit it. And because I have given such an embarrassing lecture exactly twice in my entire life - and both times to you," he explains to me and laughs a little. His laugh is soft, more of a breath than a sound, and he looks at me as he does so. "I mean, it does mean something, doesn't it?"

He pauses for a moment and then continues, "And because you're pretty much going to give me pneumonia. But if you want to hear why I love you, I'll stand here all night in the pouring rain."
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