22

                                    

                                          
When I finally woke in the early hours of the afternoon on my 'free' day in Florence, I've never felt more out of sorts. I have this strange way of making my life completely fall apart the moment I think I have it figured out. 
Part of me was maybe wishing I had never run into Charles here. He was always just here. And part of me loved that. I always said it was one of my favourite things, that he was always there when I needed him, and Lando, the person who was suppose to be, was always off somewhere else. 
I needed clarity. 
"Hello?"  he answers on the first ring. 
"Lando." I whisper through the phone. 
I hear him groan and then some shuffling coming from his end, "What's wrong, Evelyn?" 
I swallow deeply, feeling my heart breaking, you know that feeling you get when you know things are about to go terribly. "I just.." I can hear my voice break and it kills me, I wish I was strong enough for this, "I just, feel, lost?" 
"Where's Charles?" I can hear the nerve in his voice. 
"Lando, please" I beg again, not wanting the fight. 
"I told you to get rid of him, Evelyn" he warns. 
"But that's just it," I cry, "Do you realise how toxic that makes our relationship? Do you realise what you're asking me to do?" 
Lando lets out a breath, I can imagine him right now, hand running through his top curls, tightening his fist at the very front of his head and repeating the movement. "Ev," 
"I care about him, Lando" I explain, "I care about him in the same way I care about Johan"
"Johan's not into women" he blurts as some sort of response to that. 
"Lando" I deadpan, "I miss you, I've missed you from the moment I got onto that plane, and every minute since." I change my tone, this is about us. This break is about us. 
"You shouldn't have gone to Florence, Ev" he whispers. 
"Yes, I should have. Lando, do you understand what all of this means to me. My passion for this?" 
"Ev, it's.." 
I cut him in, "If I told you to give up Formula 1, would you?" 
"Ev, that's ridiculous" 
"No, it's not. Lando, I love you. I love you so so much. When we are good, it's, it's so amazing Lando. And I need you to love me, or this isn't going to work" my eyes squeeze shut as I say this, petrified of what it may lead too. 
"I do love you, Ev" 
I shake my head, "This isn't how you love someone" I defend. 
"So what, I'm loving wrong?" he shoots sarcastically. 
"No" I mutter, "I'm saying, when you love someone, you support everything about them, and I feel like I've done that for you, I've supported you through everything we've been through the past year, but when it comes to feeling supported, I don't necessarily feel it" 
His silent, and we stay this way for a passing few moments. 
"I miss you" he finally admits. 
"I miss you, too" I reply. 
I stay with him silently on the phone, I can hear his light breaths pass through the speaker. "Can I come to Florence?" he asks. 
My jaw drops, "What?" 
"Florence, can I come there?" 
"Lando, I wanted that from the beginning" I beam. 
"Okay" he whispers, I barely hear him. 
"Okay" I agree with excitement. 
As I hang up from Lando, I should be feeling overjoyed. And I do. To a point. But part of me wonders if I'm falling into some pattern, some toxic cycle that I just never break free from. 
Can you meet me for lunch? Anconella Garden? - Evelyn
Of course - Charles
Half hour later, as I'm walking up to the front door of the cafe, I pull the cords of my black hoodie drawstring to tighten it around my shoulders, my black tights feeling the cool air pass through. 
I spot him straight away, seated at one of the tables outside, his back to me, facing the local teenage boy up on stage, a guitar perched on his lap.
"Hey" I announce, placing a hand on his shoulder as I approach. 
"Hey" he stands up, giving me a kiss on each cheek before taking a seat again as I take the one opposite him. 
Looking up at us, both of us waiting for the other to make the first move. A waiter coming by offering drinks saves us only momentarily before he's gone again, the awkward silent passing through us again. 
"Charles," I begin, "I'm so sorry about last night" 
Leaning back in his chair, he shoves his hands into his pocket and crosses his legs out in front of him, amused smirk on his face. 
"Are we.. okay?" I ask, when he doesn't respond to me. 
Again, he just settles back comfortably in his hair, looking off into the distance before returning his gaze to me, not saying a thing. 
"Charles?" I chuckle, as the waiter sets both of our drinks on the table. 
He leans forward, picking up his freshly squeezed juice and eyeing me as he takes a sip from the straw. 
"Here's the thing, Ev" he states, a playful tone to his voice. "Why do you keep apologising to me?" 
My lips part in shock, and then I close them before I shrug. "I feel like I owe you the apology." 
"Yeah, but what for?" he leans forward, placing his elbows on his knees. "I know you, Ev. That's been the greatest part of all of this, I never felt lead on, as you called it, I know when you're in love Evelyn, and it's never been with me" 
"I'm.." I choke up. 
He chuckles a breathily chuckle, "Don't you dare say you're sorry, Ev" 
I look up at him, tears fogging my vision. "But I am" 
"If you feel like you need to apologise for not loving me, then I need to apologise for loving you. And I refuse to do that. I'm not sorry about that" 
My eyes pinch shut in pain. "Lando's coming to Florence" I whisper. 
An intense exhale escapes from his lips, "Good" he nods. 
"I won't let him tear this friendship apart though" I promise, "I can't" 
He nods in understanding, yet it doesn't say anything. 
"I really do care about you, Charles" I inform. 
He looks up at me underneath his eyebrows, "I know you do, baby"