"Yeah, but if you wanted to go around the city, we could've done that earlier. What's the need to get out at twelve fucking pm?" He sighed as if dealing with a stubborn kid that needed everything explained to him twice. "Or are you actually meeting up with tinder dates?"
"No, of course, not," Reo almost scoffed. "I just... needed space, I guess. I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about it." 
Embarrassing. Mei-Ling and Shidou had no idea of his past, and they didn't need to ruin their image of him. 
Shidou patted him on the shoulder, apparently satisfied with the answer despite how cryptic it was. "Well, whatever rocks your boat, Reo. But send us your location next time, at least that way we can be sure you won't get lost. Now, let's get some sleep." 
He made it as if to go back inside, and Reo caught the back of his pajama shirt before he could think better of it. Shidou stilled, then turned around, a big question mark on his expression. 
"What?" 
"Shidou," Reo said, having a hard time swallowing. "Can I ask you a question?"
It wasn't in his plans to say it but he's thought about the ice all day, even as he tormented himself while waiting for Nagi. He's been thinking of how Nagi was doing at the Olympics; how he and the others were practicing for their short program the next day; how he would get a standing ovation and it could have been Reo, in his place, if things had gone right. This whole thing was once his dream, too, before it turned into a nightmare. 
He's been thinking of Anri when she told him to make up his mind soon. And he could also recall Shidou's words, when he confidently said he and Mei-Ling would get to perform at the Olympics in the next one, or the one after that. 
Shidou wasn't too put off by the sudden questioning. "You're already doing it," he smirked slightly, his expression a bit off, reflecting confusion. 
"Do you like training with Anri?"
"Yes, why?"
"Really?" Reo insisted, words taking a troubled edge. "But, do you truly like it? Skating can get stressful for me really quickly, but Anri said... it didn't have to be that way here. That she would be in my corner, looking after me all the time." 
Was that true? Or just a fantasy he wanted to believe? 
"Yeah, it's true. You can trust her. I don't trust many adults but sure, I trust her. And even if it took time, she helped me trust the team's psychologist, too. Eventually," he shrugged. 
"She really has one?" Reo blinked. 
"Two, actually. And the psychologist helped me deal with my anger." At Reo's confused expression, Shidou squirmed, thinking about how to explain his experience without dumping everything on the stranger so quickly. 
They were opening up too fast, and with bad past experiences concerning that, both teens were a bit awkward about being vulnerable in front of the other or saying too much. Still, Shidou wouldn't be Shidou if he wasn't straightforward. 
He looked at the ceiling, searching for his words. "Ah, how do I explain it... I skate because it's pure adrenaline for me, it's emotional and beautiful. On the ice, I connect with Mei and we're all chemical reactions with one another. My heart can't stop singing when we dance or I'm on stage." 
He looked down then, back to Reo. "But we weren't good for a while." 
"You two?" Reo asked in surprise. "But you guys are the most compatible couple I've ever seen." And he's seen many, back in Japan. 
"Because we worked hard to get to this point and we tried many different ways until we fit together," Shidou said. "When I saw her for the first time, I thought, this girl is fantastic. So can you imagine how frustrated I was that we couldn't manage any complex twizzle or lift? I was the best, skating with the best, and still getting no results."
The resemblance to his own thoughts was striking. Reo, too, had believed that he was the problem since he couldn't improve while working with the best trainers and the best team in the country. He had never even questioned his environment. 
"It's embarrassing because we're professionals; we have all the info, all the tricks. It's supposed to come easy to us. But no one teaches you to deal with failure, do they? I was pissed and moody. I lashed out. A lot. It was a mess," Shidou continued, running a hand through his loose hair. "So I said fuck this, fuck skating and fuck Mei-Ling, and fuck Anri."
"But when I wasn't skating, was I any better? No, because I wanted to skate. I had just made success our goal and completely forgotten about the emotions that were once my most intrinsic motivation. What about the adrenaline and all that? Who gives a shit about the scores? Like yeah, those are important to qualify for bigger competitions, but without my mind in it, would I have enjoyed classifying to anything?" 
"Anri talked to you about it," Reo assumed, seeing that she had practically given him a TED Talk, too. 
"She got really angry that I was skipping practice without explaining why, so she got in my face and said I either took this seriously or quit completely. The thing is... I couldn't quit. I couldn't. I didn't, and here we are."
He made it sound easy. Like the choice was made for him, or as if choosing had been automatic, without a doubt. Thing is, Reo has been weighing his options for so long he's forgotten how to make the decision and take accountability for its consequences. 
Fear was a natural reaction, a result of self-preservation. But it was also an obstacle. It also stopped him from taking a risk and perhaps even succeeding. 
The dilemma was solving itself bit by bit, its web of possibilities untangling progressively. He must have looked thoughtful, somewhere far into his mind because Shidou talked gently again, snapping him out of it. 
"I don't know what happened to you, Reo, or why you feel like you need to protect yourself so much. Or why you go out on walks in the middle of the night, or why you just stare instead of putting on your skates and giving it a shot. But if you want to join our team, ask yourself why. Maybe that's where the answers are." 
Slowly, Reo muttered, "Maybe." 
"Well, let's go to sleep," Shidou recommended, before giving him one last pat on the arm. "We need to leave early tomorrow if we want to get good seats."
Reo nodded, and he changed into his pajamas as silently as possible. What happened to him, really? He had too high expectations, he was too hard on himself, and he never took a break when his body was begging him to. He was too focused on being perfect to enjoy skating as it was, he was too focused on being the best because he had only ever exceeded in his short, limited life. 
Shidou was right, no one taught him to face defeat. I'm not perfect. Nobody is, so why was I punishing myself for not being it? 
A medal is just a medal, but skating is my life. It's not who I am, it's what I want. 
He might not be a good enough skater for his parents to find the hobby worth his time, or to keep Nagi and Ego's attention. He might not be much of a skater, much of a threat to the rest, or someone to admire. But if he tried to ignore that, and leave all those goals behind, perhaps he'd learn to be enough for himself.
That night, even if Seishiro had let him down for good, Reo slept better than he had in years.