~222~

                                    

                                          
work leave is nice
I have no idea how to act
but it's nice
I'd forgotten how much time I used to have in a day without those four hours of grinding at a database that brings absolutely no value to my life whatsoever
but it's the money
it's always the money
isn't it?
it's funny how I always position myself as the kind of person who puts the joy of work before everything else
as if the pay wasn't a priority to me
and yet
when I got a raise in January
I started working more than I did before
this is one of those things I would never admit out loud because I am ashamed of it
in other news
I have no idea how I'm going to make it this spring
we've only got a month left
less than that even
but there has been an unbearable weight to carry around every day for the past four months
and how it's already been so long and how I've just started to notice just how much I've paid for it
I miss home
I think about it in-between tests and presentations and HR matters
whenever I can really
son of a gun
that place has grown on me
well
not so much the place itself I guess 
more so the rituals
the rhythm of the days
the chicories and the malt
the stillness of it all
because that too has changed
and what hasn't really
on Christmas
in Dad's letter
I wrote that I hope I'll learn to call that place home one day
and now I've done it
and it's been so easy
and I find that I'm not even mad at myself
in that respect
I suppose I've lost my edge a little bit
I've been letting some air inside my prison cell
been cutting some chains loose
not always because I wanted to but because I've had to
bottom line
even I have limits to self-sabotage
I wouldn't call it love because that's crazy
who am I trying to fool here right?
but I guess
since I've been working out again
of all things
it's been easier to forgive myself for those couple of Duolingo and writing sessions I've switched up with doing a puzzle with my best friend
you see how it's been?
how it is still?
to some degree at least
it's easier when you actually want to get better at something
have I been forcing myself into loving myself all these years?
maybe
probably
but I can't blame myself for it because I needed it
especially after my last cut
I remember
there was a decision of sorts that I made
a kind of a promise
and promises I keep
I'll tell you that
there's no doubt that I'll make it
I'll do it no matter what
but this summer has to be good
August has to be good
then there's the lab of course
the absence of it
more like
the last four of my Augusts have belonged to the lab
and I have never wondered what better to do with that time because I don't think
from the bottom of my heart
that there is anything better
and was I not a hopeless linguist at heart
I would even say it's my favorite job
well it is my favorite job
of all the jobs I've had
but there are jobs yet to have
something that can't be said about working at the office
the lab was never about the money
not really
it was good money yes
the best I've ever had
but what it was really all about was that nothing existed inside the lab
my illness didn't exist in the lab
my depression didn't exist in the lab
it was just wheat rye barley and oats
ten hours a day
every day
I worshipped it
I couldn't get enough
there was something in the way the lab humbled me
the way it accepted me
the way it danced beneath my fingers
a time well spent
time
precious time
spent on grain
to this day
I haven't found anything more worthwhile than grain
the lab owns some of the saddest months of my life
I've never been good at augusts
but the lab
it made me good
it made me pull myself together
it made me work
it made time
the time I dreaded existing in
fly by like it never even happened
yes
for what it's worth
the lab saved me
I don't think I will go back
it's the city I think
I went just last week
and it hurt
drove by my old place and almost missed my turn
I didn't look up at the windows
thank god
because I would've ran a kid over
I really shouldn't be mad at a city because that's fucking ridiculous
but what can you do?
she didn't ask me to stay
she never told me not to go
she never said goodbye
she didn't fight for me the way I needed her to
and now I'm sad and I'm angry at a place
when in reality I was just horrible at leaving it
and hell
it wasn't a place that I left
it was people
it was memories
it was me
I left me there
and I miss her