The Silence

                                    

                                          
10. The Silence
.
.
.
Nothingness has several definitions, one, "it was the state or condition of being nothing; nonexistence"· Two, "it is the absence of consciousness or life"· Three, "it is complete insignificance or worthlessness". I have seen and felt this all at once since the past three years but there was another definition that I have not yet felt, nothingness as an egoless state of being in which one fully realizes one's own small part in the cosmos.
I was yet to discover the purpose of my entire existence in this world, or maybe I have, was my purpose in this world to suffer ?, to mourn and to never be happy, then I was truly nothing. 
The beeping sound ringing in my ears brought me back to the light, I carefully opened my eyes to get accustomed to the intensity of light in the room, I could hear voices around me but I was yet to name which belonged to which 
"What is wrong with her?" This is Kaden's voice, I am surprised that his voice sounded worried, was he worried about me?, my eyes was fully opened now and I see Kaden talking to a woman in her mid forties wearing a lab coat, she must be the pack doctor that would mean that I was in the pack's clinic, I had passed out from the changing, yet I had not completed the change 
"She is changing" the pack doctor said 
"Changing?, how is that possible everyone changes when they turn seventeen or eighteen at most and it is not as painful as what I just witnessed and she is twenty-one years old !" Kaden voice was louder than ever and it surprised me the more, he hated me why did he care if I was in pain, was that not what he wanted, the purpose of disgracing me in front of the pack. 
"She has been on strong amounts of wolfsbane for years I presume, but her wolf needs to come out soon or it dies" the pack doctor says and my eyes widens 
"Wha–what?" I choked gaining the attention of my mate and the pack doctor 
"You are awake, I will check your vitals now" the pack doctor said as she walked up to my bed, Kaden was staring deeply at him, a lot of mixed feelings in his eyes and I catch on to the regret dots in his eyes, it doesn't matter if he feels regret, I do not care, I just regret not being able to escape when I had the chance. 
"What do you mean by my wolf dies?" I ask the doctor, she smiles weakly at me 
"I am Hannah, the pack doctor. You see your connection with your wolf is severely severed, and your wolf is trying to bring it back. The amount of wolfsbane you had been consuming was quite substantial even the prisoners in the Great War where not given half the dose you were given. Your transformation back would be a lot harder and you might not make it but if you don't change soon, your wolf dies and you become human completely and forever" The doctor explained 
"Who fed you wolfsbane and how long?" Kaden asks in gritted teeth 
"I–" I stutter
"Answer me for goodness sakes!" He says in frustration 
"My pack, RedSand, Alpha Samuel had instructed it" 
"How long?" Hannah was the one to ask 
"Three years" I confessed
"Oh my dear " Hannah closed her mouth with her palms as she stared at me shocked, Kaden was silent, the silence I wanted while he soiled my name in the dining halls, now he was silent, I wanted to laugh but I didn't, he threatened to torture him when I had asked for permission to ease myself in the bush, he said he would give me pain worst than the own RedSand gave me. 
Wolfsbane was not only physically but emotionally painful, it had taken me up to a year to grow accustomed to it and by that time I had stopped feeling my wolf close to me, alpha Samuel had wanted me to feel alone and he went as far as making me feel alone in my head too, I know it was more than making me stop the mind-link with pack members, or make me shift, he wanted me to be alone and to eventually lose my wolf, that was all his plan all along and I had fully realized it until now.