entry # 10 - shesmovedon

                                    

                                          

'Erm... I... yes I am. Sorry'. I mumble, half confused and half disconnected, twiddling my thumbs and looking at Cock Soup the Cockatiel on my shoulder, like I'm asking of my bird to pull me out of this conversation. To give me a hint on how to keep this one going 'cause I can't do it on my own. I've reminisced about Mike and I pulling a manual of sex-like fuck in Tacoma, two weeks ago, and I don't feel a thing down there. I just feel weird. Overwhelmed and very, very awful. Two weeks ago, I was getting back home with a toothy grin on my lips and reddened cheeks, ready to talk about my sex engages to my girls. I spent a whole evening telling Bess and Chriss all the sordid details of my night of passion with Mike, singing his praises, telling them how well he'd gotten me off and, most importantly...  that I'd heard a change in his tone with me. Like I got the vibe that he was more serious with me, and I couldn't have been any more disillusioned about his feelings for me, at that point. They mattered to me no more. I seemed to have moved on, and I got further confirmation of that the day after, when I caught up with Mike again before he had to leave for another leg of his tour. And when he kissed me goodbye until next time, I didn't shed a tear like I would've usually done. 
All that my besties get from me nowadays is silly me shitting their nonexistent dicks by talking nonstop about a man who doesn't even know about his own whereabouts. A man I felt a spark with, but also a man I still haven't seen naked. I am pretty sure that Bessie and Chrissie think that my dating life is a joke, but they don't want to add salt to the wound and tell it to my face because I would low-key get offended. 
'I always want more of you, Tori. Y'know it, you mean a lot to me'. Mike adds, and I crumble internally at his words. That he always wants more of me, I know damn well. Once we're sharing the same oxygen and we're set in a motion, we are bound to fuck all night long and sleep in late all of the morning after. All cuddled up. We have a wonderful connection on all levels, and we really dig eachother. Once we decided to put our feelings aside,  aka when I decided to fall out of love with him and fuck him ignoring my previous feelings for him, our sex became better than ever. Then the feelin' loop started all over again, this time from his side. He spent all that hot Tacoma night telling me that I'm his, that I mean much more than just sex to him, that I'm special to him, that he can't go one day without thinking of me and missing me ... and that he wants to know I fuck another man while he's away. I told him that this level of low-key dependance doesn't make me feel comfortable, especially if it's only one sided. That I don't want a relationship with a man. Especially not with a man who's tuned my feelings down once already. He understood my reasons, and we sealed another deal to keep this affair going on as we're just best fuck buddies. But now he's taking a few steps backwards, making himself heard and telling me, all over again, that I mean a lot to him. As if I'd forgotten it. This, now that I've grown a fascination for another man. Ironic. Typical bad luck of me. 
'Mike? So you were saying... next week?' I ask my way back into the conversation, because all of this inner monologue and I'd almost forgotten that he asked me if I'm in town next week, to potentially catch up and fuck like always. Possibly, without feelings involved because all this sap is killing what's left of my libido for Mike. But if everything goes like the girls and I have planned, I will be on the road trying to pursue mr. small Phellus by then. So, no piece of me will be left for any other man. I lack dexterity with men, I am quite resilient... and also quite focused, when my paws are on the man I think is the right one for me. Sean could be it, he ticks all my boxes. I just need to catch up with him again and see if he would still give me the time of his life, while he's surrounded by much prettier girls than me. 
'Yes, baby. I'll arrange something for you... we're playing in California'. Mike answers, and my heart falls into my nonexistent stockings at his words. He isn't even playing in Washington, yet he wants me and he's ready and willing to arrange something for me so that I can catch up with him in California. And this would normally hype the hell out of me. It's a kind of attention that he's never really had towards me, feelings and not feelings involved. But now it doesn't hype me that much. Why? Because I feel like this is getting less and less coincidental by the second. Next week, California. I think I've heard this being mentioned as the plan of another band ... that one band with the elusive super good looking drummer I'm lusting. And this is starting to feel no good. But then I ask myself... what's Ozzy Osbourne got to do with Phellus in Chains? Probably little to nothing. You should stop overthinking, Victoria.