Chapter 22

                                    

                                          

                            

                                
                            
                              
                                  
                              
                              
                                
                                  
                                  
                                
                              
                             
                            
                            
                          
                          
(Trigger warning⚠️⚠️: panic attack)
I can feel my heart racing, my breaths coming too fast and shallow. Everything around me feels like it's closing in, suffocating me. The fluorescent lights overhead are blindingly bright, and the sound of water running is becoming overwhelming. I can feel sweat gathering on the back of my neck and the palms of my hands.
My chest feels like it's going to explode, like my ribs are caving in and my lungs are constricting. I try to focus on breathing, but it feels like there's a heavy weight on my chest and I can't draw in enough air. My hands start shaking, and I feel dizzy and nauseous. My breaths are coming out in short gasps now, and my chest tightening. Desperate to get out of here, I ignore Devon and run to the back of the house, making it to the porch before my legs give way and I fall to the ground.
I want to scream, but my voice is stuck in my throat. It feels like I'm drowning. And then it happens. The panic attack hits me like a ton of bricks. I can't breathe. My chest feels like it's on fire. I crumble into the floor, gasping for air. I hear footsteps approaching me, and a voice speaks to me, but it sounds distant and muffled. I can't make out the words. I'm trapped in my mind, and I can't escape. A hand touches my back and I flinch away from it as if it burns me. Tears are streaming out my eyes now and I can't control it. I hate this. I hate it so much.
Someone sits beside me, watching the pond ahead. I realize it's Devon and he soon begins speaking. "They are over thirty koi fishes in that pond and I named them all." Devon begins, staring at me. The ridiculousness of the statement causes me to look at him, confused.
"W-what?" I stutter, my voice still shaky.
"I named all of the fishes in that pond. Want to know their names?" He asks, his voice gentle. I stare at him, my brain still having a hard time understanding his words. Slowly, I  realize what he's doing. He's distracting me from my panic attack. I notice he's still talking so I focus my attention on him.
"There's Prickles, Rosalind, Stanley, Nala, Groot..." He trails off, glancing at me. " If you want, I could show them to you." He says, a hint of excitement in his voice. Once he notices that my shaking has subsided, he moves closer.
"It's okay. You're going to be okay. Just take some deep breaths. You can do this." He tells me and I try to follow his instructions and slowly, my breathing begins to regulate. The tightness in my chest eases, and my heart rate slows. The nausea subsides, and I feel like I might be able to stand up again. I make to do that but stumble and fall into his chest instead. Too exhausted to move, I just lay there, breathing him in. I feel his hands tighten around me as he pulls me into a hug, my tears still trickling down.
His warmth surrounds me and for a split second, I feel safe, protected from the world. The thought makes me want to my burrow myself deeper into his arms but my sense kicks in and I pull away instead. Devon notices and lets me go, but I don't move away immediately.
"You still need a moment." He says after a while as I sit with him. "Don't stand up yet. I'll get you a glass of water."  Standing up, I watch him go get me a glass of water. He returns with a cup and gently pushes it against my lips, I collect the glass from him and take a few sips before handing it back to him.
"How do you feel now?" He asks, staring at me with concern.
"Better,"  I reply, my voice hoarse. He nods his head but doesn't say anything else. The realization of what just happened dawns on me and I close my eyes in embarrassment.
"I'm sorry..." I start to speak but he cuts me off.
"It's nothing to be sorry about. It's fine." He tells me. I stare at him, hoping for signs that he's lying but there's that unwavering sincerity. And understanding too. I look away, biting my lips.
"I'll help you clean up the mess." He offers and walks back. I watch him leave before going after him. He's taken a broom already and is sweeping up the shattered pieces of the plate on the ground. Once again, my heart begins to hurt.
Why are you being so kind? Stop being so kind. Stay away from me, please. I wonder as I stare at him. Slowly I make my way toward the kitchen, still feeling embarrassed by what just happened. He notices me and pauses, walking towards me.
"You should rest. You must be exhausted."
"I'm fine. I'll just finish with what I was doing." I say and try to enter the kitchen but he stops me.
"I insist Jessica. You need to rest. I'll take care of things here." He says, his voice firm but gentle.
"If you don't want me anywhere, all you have to do is ask. In case you haven't noticed, I care about you so when something I do makes you uncomfortable, I want to know. Because I hate making you feel bad."
"I can't make you uncomfortable in your own house," I mumble, looking away. He turns my gaze back to him.
"It's my house as much as it's yours, at least for the next six, we should do our best to make it work. Don't you think?" Struck with those words, I slam my mouth shut. "I'll go inside now." 
"Yes, you do that." He tells me, letting out a small smile. Half embarrassed, I make my way up the stairs and into my room, closing the door behind me. Leaning my head against the door, I let out a groan, slumping to the ground. My heart is pounding again but it's not because of the panic attack.
It wasn't the dark chocolate last night, it's Devon. There's something about me that's causing all of these emotions to run to the surface. He's messing me up and I have no idea what to do about it. I stand to my feet and make to have a shower when a knock comes on my door. Thinking it's Emma, I immediately rush to open it. Except it's not Emma. Closing the door behind me, I step into the hallway.
"Hey..." He calls out meekly. I stare at his hands and notice he's carrying a tray with a steaming bowl of soup. Confused, I look back at him. "I noticed you barely ate at the dining I warmed up some soup for you. You should have this, it'll help you sleep better." 
I stare at the tray in his hand for the longest time before collecting it from him. "Thank you," I whisper, my voice barely audible.
"You're welcome." He whispers back, his eyes twinkling as he stares back at me. For a moment we just stand there, staring at each other before he takes the cue and leaves. I watch him go, still stunned. I take the tray into my room, drop it on the table, and stare at it. He noticed I didn't eat, was he watching me the entire time?
Gingerly, I open the warmer, and the savory smell of the Tomato soup I made hits my nostrils. Taking a spoonful, I scoop a little into my mouth, chewing on it carefully. It had tasted so bland when I first made it but now... It's delicious. Why is that?
It takes the droplets of water hitting the tray for me to realize I'm crying. Why? What's wrong with me? I feel a wave of panic wash over me. I don't know what this is but it can't continue any longer. I can't keep feeling this way whenever I'm around him. Solidifying my resolve, I take a deep breath.
I can't let myself fall for him.

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This b**tch!!! 😠😤
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Thanks for reading, see you in the next chapter!