CHAPTER 20. IDENTITY

                                    

                                          
*Author's note: Strong trigger warning! This book contains graphic depictions of violence with some disturbing scenes involving m*rder and the use of weapons, torture, domestic violence, including mental and physical abuse, sexual situations and mature language. It may trigger certain individuals who are sensitive to this subject matter. It is marked mature. You must be 17 or older to read this book.
The next morning I'm thrashing around in bed, trapped in a dream state and feel eerily disconnected from my own body. As I try to wake myself from the horrible nightmare, I hear someone off in the distance screaming out in agony. When I suddenly recognize the voice, it really shakes me, because it's my own. 
The internal battle to pull myself out of it is brutal, and when I'm finally able to break free, I sit up dazed, groggy as hell and so weak that I fall back hard against the headboard and crack my head. As I lean against it, trying to get my wits about me, I'm hyperventilating and start panting to try to catch my breath. The nightmare has emotionally drained me. My vision is blurry and keeps fading in and out with each breath that I take. I blink my eyes rapidly, trying my best to focus in on the furniture in the unfamiliar room until it finally clears. I try to remind myself that it was just a bad dream over and over, but my heart continues to pound, leaving me lethargic and dripping in sweat. The twisted sheets stick to my body as I stumble out of bed and finally peel myself away from them as I make a mad dash to the bathroom to be sick. 
I hover over the sink, splashing cold water across my face,  fighting the waves of nausea while trying to jog my brain so I can remember what happened last night. Once I'm able to get myself calmed down enough to focus, the nausea passes and I turn the shower on full blast and step in to the warm, inviting water, trying to focus my rattled brain on a simple task like washing myself. 
When I climb out of the shower, I'm finally relaxed and feeling refreshed. I drop my towel and decide to let myself drip dry while I run to the other room to grab my phone off the charger. I screech out with excitement when I see that Bryce left me a text message. 
I didn't want to wake you, so I slipped out. I had to be in surgery early this morning. I'll call you later when I can. Help yourself to anything in the fridge and make yourself at home. If you need to go anywhere, the keys to the cars are on the wall of the garage by the clock. The gate code is three zero three zero. Have a wonderful day! I'll see you tonight! 
When I'm finished reading his message, I collapse back onto the bed and squeal out at the top of my lungs. "Shit, I'm falling hard for you Bryce! Why'd you have to be so God damn charming?" 
Goosebumps sweep across my naked body as I quickly pull the covers up, lying here, reliving the glorious night we just spent together. Once we had said goodnight and I got settled into bed, I sent him a flirty text message to come join me, but once things got hot and heavy, I got cold feet again. Right in the middle of making out, I realized that I wasn't ready to take it there yet. I was really surprised when he was understanding and didn't get upset. He told me I was worth waiting for and then cuddled up next to me until I fell asleep. 
Believe me, my body was aching for it, but my mind kept reminding me it would ruin things if I had sex with him too soon. I made that mistake with Chase and we all know how that turned out. 
I realized something important about myself last night, too. The happier I am, the less control she seems to have over me and her intrusive, wretched thoughts go away. By controlling myself last night I may have inadvertently figured out a way to get rid of her for good and end the madness she has brought into my life. I have to admit, being back on my medication has helped a lot too. I should have never taken myself off of them. That's when my life started spiraling out of control.