Chapter 35

                                    

                                          
This chapter contains self-harm behavior and suicidal thoughts.
I didn't know where to go now. Poppy lived in London, but I didn't want to burden her with having to take me in while I was a complete disaster. She had enough on her own mind, and she and her grandmother were supposed to be caring for magical creatures together in Italy this summer.
I couldn't possibly go to Poppy, but I couldn't go to anyone else either. Imelda lived several hours away by train, and then I would have to find a way to cross the Irish Sea. I had my broom with me, but just flying off while Muggles could potentially spot me? Of course, it would have been an option to see my homeland again. I was born in Ireland, just like my parents before they emigrated to England.
No, Ireland was not an option.
The last option was Scotland. Back to the place I had just left. Back to Feldcroft, where I could hide and trust someone. But that would put Sebastian in danger, and I couldn't risk his life.
How was I supposed to return to Hogwarts in three months? Wouldn't wizards be looking for someone who had clearly not finished school yet? Would they visit my friends and try to find me there?
My mother had not been dead for long when I found her. I wasn't a medical expert, but I knew from everything I had experienced in my fifth year that rigor mortis only set in after about four hours.
I had to make sure my friends were safe. It didn't matter if the Muggles saw me. I would deal with that later.
I had shrunk my broom and stowed it in my bag, then dug it out. I was a good flier, not as talented as Imelda or as reckless as Sebastian, but I was good.
As I took off, it started to rain, and I only had the hood of my coat to protect me, but I flew straight into a storm.
I had to hurry. First to Poppy, to see if she was okay. Poppy had her grandmother, and she was already seventeen, so she could defend herself, but I still had to check on her. The trip by broom was nowhere near as long as it would have taken by carriage. 
The flight was uncomfortable because I had to work hard not to be swept off my broom by the wind, but it was over quickly.
I watched the house where they lived for about two hours. When I arrived, they were having dinner. Poppy looked happy. I hid in the shadow of the streetlights, they couldn't discover me. 
She was safe. For now.
Stay alive, Poppy.
When the last light in the window went out, I disappeared. I would see her again. I had experienced too much for a seventeen-year-old girl from a small suburb of London. It was too much for an ordinary Hogwarts student, but that was the problem. I wasn't an ordinary Hogwarts student. I was the girl with ancient magic. The girl who saved Hogwarts.
I was the girl who would go to the ends of the earth to protect those she loved.
My next stop was a bit further away, and I was tired, hungry, and my clothes were soaked with sweat. I smelled like damp earth, urine, and death. How long had I been awake? Certainly more than a whole day.
I needed to check on Imelda, but if I continued flying around without sleep or food, I would fall off my broom from exhaustion, and that wouldn't help anyone.
I looked around, I wasn't far from the road where the leaky cauldron was located, I could stay there for the night. Eat something and take a bath, I could wash my clothes, and then I would fly off first thing in the morning to check on Imelda.
I felt incredibly guilty as I placed the money for the room on the counter, every second I didn't use was uncertain if she was safe.
I wasn't worried about Natsai, Ominis, and Evangeline because they weren't even in the country and were with their families. The same went for Poppy and Imelda, but they were within reach. 
They were the first ones they would look for me, right?
The room I stayed in was small and dusty, it was on the west side and had only a small bed that creaked.
I peeled off my clothes and threw them into the bathtub in the bathroom attached to the room. The dirt washed out of the clothes as if they had never been washed, it was disgusting. I wrinkled my nose at the smell.
I hadn't dared to put on anything else because I didn't want it to get dirty too, so I stood naked in front of the bathtub and washed my clothes. Afterward, I hung them on the coat stand in the room.
My hair stuck to my chest and back as well as my forehead as I got into the bathtub after filling it with new water. I sat in the water for a long time before starting to wipe the dirt from under my fingernails. I stared at the scars on my legs for a long time, which now formed a pattern on my skin.
I was alone. Tears overpowered me again.
Just a few months ago, I had cried out of heartbreak, out of sadness over my broken heart, but this was different. I couldn't do anything about what had happened. Death was an insurmountable part that fate had given us, not to forget that life is there to be enjoyed, but unfortunately, it was also a pit that was sometimes too deep to get out of alone.
I let my head sink under the still warm water and washed the dirt out of my hair. I would have preferred not to resurface. I wanted to end it. If I wasn't alive anymore, it wouldn't matter anyway.
But would that change anything? Would my death ensure my friends' safety?
Are they all in danger just because I am alive?
Was I just a wolf in sheep's clothing? A monster that just didn't look like one? People were dying around me.
My father was dead, was it my fault? I just wanted to hear his voice one more time, as he gave me advice that I didn't ask for but still needed.
Eleazar was dead because he had protected me, it was my fault.
Now my mother was dead and I didn't know why. I suspected it was my fault because what else would wizards want from her, but I wasn't sure.
No. I couldn't do that. Not least because my body forced me to resurface from the water. It felt like my emotions were drowning me, but I couldn't let them stop me from finding out what had happened.
I couldn't completely break down now.
I got out of the bathtub when I was done, feeling like shit. 
I wanted to scream and break something, but at least I didn't look like it anymore. I didn't bother to put on anything for the night and lay down naked in bed after drying off.
The night was hell, I had trouble falling asleep and when I finally did, my nightmares haunted me again.
They screamed at me, asking why I had abandoned them, why I hadn't saved them. I might have slept for only 4 hours, but that had to be enough. 
Before the sun had fully emerged from behind the horizon, I checked out and disappeared from the leaky cauldron.
My things had been dried using household magic and I could simply put them on, but I exchanged the long skirt for dark pants so it would be easier to fly.
When I arrived at Imelda's, it wasn't even noon yet. Imelda lived in a large estate. I couldn't see anything, so I used a disillusionment charm to get closer safely.
Imelda was sitting in the family garden, apparently drinking tea. It was time for breakfast, they probably used it for that. A little girl came running out of the house and climbed onto Imelda's lap, and she began to play with her. That was Imelda's little sister Theodora, she was only 3 years old. Imelda had mentioned her a few times before. Imelda and her family were safe, no one would dare to attack them. Imelda's father was an auror, he probably could have become a famous Quidditch player if he hadn't been hit by a bludger on the knee.
I stood here for about an hour watching them, I couldn't help but envy Imelda for being able to play so weightlessly with her siblings. She was so lucky and didn't even know it.
The last stop before I had to go into hiding for a long time was Feldcroft. Sebastian.